This has been a very interesting time in my life. I am back to school working towards my Master's Degree in Nursing and I applied for the Supervisor position at work. I bought a new car and my once un-involved teenager is now active with after school programs.
All of this has come on the back of my friend and manager leaving our unit, the loss of family and friends, and an intermittently failing thyroid. There is a lot going on to say the least.
The thyroid problem has thrown a monkey wrench in to most of the happenings in my day. It makes me exhausted and lends a lack of ambition to life that can be upsetting. In this whirlwind of things going on, I decided that I was "bored" of my current tenure in the ER of 10 years and that I needed a change. So I applied for college in hopes of moving up the ladder starting with the Assistant Director of Nursing position. It all seemed well and good. I was excited about it. And then, I wasn't.
I have been fortunate enough to have been afforded my job as a nurse straight out of school due to an internship and scholarship program, so effectively, I never had to fill out a resume or apply or interview for a job. I was expected to work my scholarship off as an employee. When I moved to the ER, I put my union bid in and down I went. Again, no resume, no interview. In the last few weeks I found myself making a resume (stressful) and studying for an interview, yes, studying (even more stressful) while trying to be a mom, a girlfriend, a good employee, and a student.
Last week at the awards dinner for the hospital, I realized something. I realized that I was right where I wanted to be sitting across the table from people who have been my family and my team for over 10 years. I didn't want to be at the leadership table. I wanted to be laughing and cracking inappropriate jokes and having a great time. I don't doubt that I would make a good supervisor. I know I can do it, but I had not stopped to ask myself if that was what I really wanted.
One of the supervisors on the evening shift was coaching me about the interview (before I had changed my mind) and she said they would ask where I saw myself in 5 years? I cannot lie. I don't want to climb the big nursing ladder in the sky and sit in meetings and be a fake version of myself because I was leadership. I want to be me. It has taken me a long time to find out who that is and frankly, I am still learning. When I get my Master's I am thinking that maybe I would like to teach and help new nurses bridge the scary gap between theory and practice and to help them develop the confidence to recognize their abilities to thinking critically and make a difference in the world. In the end, I want to make a difference. I want my legacy to be something more fulfilling than being good at organization and time management. I want to be remembered as someone who touched another's life and helped them find direction.
These changes were not fly by night. I have been thinking and stressing and thinking more about them for weeks. I have been meditating on it. I have been doing yoga and calming down enough to see beyond the fleeting joy of praise and the initial excitement of a new position that wears off as fast as scratching a losing lottery ticket. At this time in my life, after all the losses I have had, there is still much personal healing to be done. I want to get my education without having another added stress to the pile. I want to have more flexibility for my family and for myself.
Today, I called Human Resources and removed my bid for the job. I can't tell you how light and fantastic a feeling it was. I am blessed to have had these moments of clarity and be able to be brave enough to know when to make the right decisions for myself and not decisions other people want me to make. I love my night nurses and my team. They truly are a second family and they make me a better person every day. I'm just not ready to quit them yet.
Aleathia
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