Last night my good friend Annette asked Chloe and I to go to Ithaca to visit a kava tea bar. I had never really investigated this place though I had seen people come in and out of there on nights when I drove there to go to a concert on a nearby street. The kava tender was very knowledgeable and gave us some history on the drink as well as the properties and what it was used for.
This stuff tastes like bitter dirt even when mixed in chocolate almond milk. We shared a large bowl which was about 3 coconut half shells worth. This was enough to feel the effects of it which make you very relaxed and euphoric. It was like being on a cross of Xanax and Ecstacy while also making your tongue and lips numb. This worked for the show they had going called Harmonic Temple which was a sort of band/DJ trance hippie sort of sound with a light show.
There were the usual types of very energetic hippie dancers...some all over the place, some spastic, some doing dreaming moves on the periphery and a few others scattered about. This was very entertaining to watch and we all felt like we were in a nice place. After a few hours, Annette got up and started dancing and I soon followed as did Chloe. We danced for a few hours letting the beats take us over, letting loose so many things. It was an enjoyable time and something I had not done in years.
The morning after is another situation. Both Chloe and I, who tend to have very high anxiety personalities, felt sluggish and irritated and clumsy today where as Annette who has less anxiety had a fabulous day. My theory is that the contrast between natural state and kava root induced state was just too wide for me and my kiddo. I sort of enjoy the frenetic nature of my soul and today I have felt like a shell of a human. I am accomplishing all the things I set out to do but not with any fervor or desire. I feel like an automaton. I can't say that I will ever drink that again, but I will go and enjoy regular tea and some booty shaking.
Earlier in the week I was approached by a younger man who had some interest in getting together. It was an intense day of flirting which put me on top of the world and made me feel desired. I had not felt this way in a long time even in a committed relationship. I practically floated on air. We were supposed to hook up today, but it never happened. He never called. I never called him either. I feel like this was a test.
In Buddhism, there is a figure in the literature called Mara who is a demon that in the stories sends his most beautiful daughters to lure Siddhartha from his path. This young man, under most circumstances, would have tempted my pants off...literally. But because I had time between the flirting and the possible get together, I realized that fulfilling the temptation would come at physical and mental costs I was not willing to pay. I chose self worth over self pleasure. This is a turning point for me because most of my life I have felt like I had no worth and that the worth I did have was rooted in whether or not someone chose to have sex with me.
This is an interesting time in my life where I am open to the lessons being placed in front of me and able to truly make decisions about the direction of my life. I am speaking truth to myself. It is kind of refreshing.
Aleathia
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