What I am learning has little to do with food and so much to do with living a full life in the manner of your choosing. Growing up in small towns across America this is not the experience of the average child. You are indoctrinated with the idea that you are to conform with what adults believe. You sit and be quiet. You follow the rules at all times. You stay inside the lines. You are seen and rarely heard.
This was my life despite my parents wild ways. They were very do as I say, not as I do. It was uninspired living. There were moments of magic watching my mother draw or being allowed to help her cook. There were moments reading my father's poetry and walking in the woods listening, but the conforming nature prevailed through most of my life.
When I left home and moved to a big city it was a time of fear, but also a time of freedom. I met people who had lifestyles chosen by their own hands. Their minds we're not tethered to the poles of authority and rules. They fascinated me to no end. In this time, I tasted the roots of my soul. I climbed mountains, did drugs, and wandered the streets taking in a life I never knew existed. I began to fall in love with myself and life. For some reason I gave it up.
I went back to traditional living, my small frame of reference living, because it was expected of me. I have always chased love and the blanket of comfort I imagined it provided. I spent the next 24 years living in this manner. I had a child, I lost two pregnancies; I settled into what I thought parenting was. Earlier this year, I woke up from a torpor. I ran through fields of fear and loss and heartache. On the other side, I took my shoes off and walked through the wet grass. I felt the earth beneath my feet and wondered how I had missed it all those years.
On my 44th birthday I made a decision to open my heart and mind and live in the moment. This is proving to be one of the biggest and brighest decisions of my life. I am not free of responsibility, but I am learning to speak my mind and use the voice I was never allowed to share in all my history. I say no. I choose the path I walk on because it is good for me. I am learning to selectively bend when I have indifference and my non choice will provide joy to another. I have ceased to allow the expectations of others rooted in their conformity to color the way I walk my own path.
I laugh more. I create more. I breathe in the world that is at my fingertips.
I am three episodes into the chef's table and I have learned about the power of pushing boundaries and believing in dreams. I have learned that simplicity is almost always the better road to follow. I have learned that passion is kept alive in love by maintaining personal individuality and space; that I must surround myself with people I want to be near me... people that interest me and challenge me.
I look forward to more life lessons as the seasons unfold. The experiences of these chefs are not my own, but they inspire me to think about my own direction and how it will be colored by my choices and being aware of the talents and gifts of those around me. I don't know how much time in the world I have left, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let myself be chauffeured, existing in the back seat watching everything go by without being an integral part of it.
No comments:
Post a Comment