It's Ok to Be Weak

Aleathia says:

It has been a long time since I have posted.  There have been too many recent deaths, too many sicknesses in this house, and only so much energy for life to go around.  I have been pushing through and most everyone around me has not seen the deep and uncentered pain that runs my daily activity. Hanging around the theater department as a teenager afforded me great abilities at hiding behind a created character.

My father has been gone three months and I miss our phone calls every week.  I miss the sound of his impatience to get off the phone after 15 minutes which I always knew was an effort despite his love for me.  I miss his laugh.  Grieving his loss has been easier than my mother's.  He had a funeral and I got to spend some time with family who missed him just as much as me and who would remember all the wonderful things he taught them over their lives.  I got to say goodbye.  I was able to start that healing process in a positive way.

I woke up one day last month and realized that I had not allowed myself to grieve my mother's death. For two years I have been dragging my heart through the mud.  I have pretended to hate her and to be "relieved" she was gone.  I had such a hard time understanding her sudden death without a coroner's report or being able to say goodbye. There was so much about the ending that was disconnected, so much more I wanted to say to her.  Mostly, I wanted to tell her I loved her one more time.

I woke up knowing that I had to tell myself that I hated her to save my own life.  I could not let my heart feel that unsurmountable pain of loss.  I lost my mother at 40.  We had so much more history to make and wounds to heal and laughter to put out into the universe.  I can see now that I was protecting myself from her death.  It was the longest, darkest denial I have ever put myself through and I thank the heavens that I made it to the other side.

I am pulling down this wall brick by brick.  I wrote her the yearly letter I promised I would write.  I let myself cry for the loss of her when it comes over me without hatred or guilt.  I am not weak, but losing my mother nearly broke me.  No one really noticed I was dying inside, that I hated myself and life, that I didn't care too much if I woke up or not.  I'm glad that darkness is lifted.  I let myself be tired now.  I let my heart ache.  I let myself feel the love from my family and friends.

It has been a lonely two years and I did it to myself.  I am my toughest critic and have always been.

I am writing this post today for people who are going through a loss and a heavy grief.  Reach out to those people that love you.  They will love you through this ugly time; they will wipe your tears; they will hold your hand without judgment.  Don't go through it alone. Ask for help. No one is truly alone in the world.

Thank you to my love, Michael, for quietly waiting until I was ready to deal with life.  To my dear Chloe for being sensitive and for hugs when you just knew I needed them.  To my friends who listen and let me work things out at my own pace.  You are all dear to me.  This blog is going to be on an upswing from now on.  It has been hard to write them knowing my father wouldn't be reading them, but it is time to let that go too.

Stay tuned for a new blog on Helen Frankenthaler.  It is gonna be pretty.

Aleathia