Chef's Table and the Essence of Life

Aleathia says:

What I am learning has little to do with food and so much to do with living a full life in the manner of your choosing. Growing up in small towns across America this is not the experience of the average child. You are indoctrinated with the idea that you are to conform with what adults believe. You sit and be quiet. You follow the rules at all times. You stay inside the lines. You are seen and rarely heard.

This was my life despite my parents wild ways. They were very do as I say, not as I do. It was uninspired living. There were moments of magic watching my mother draw or being allowed to help her cook. There were moments reading my father's poetry and walking in the woods listening, but the conforming nature prevailed through most of my life.

When I left home and moved to a big city it was a time of fear, but also a time of freedom. I met people who had lifestyles chosen by their own hands. Their minds we're not tethered to the poles of authority and rules. They fascinated me to no end. In this time, I tasted the roots of my soul. I climbed mountains, did drugs, and wandered the streets taking in a life I never knew existed. I began to fall in love with myself and life. For some reason I gave it up.

I went back to traditional living, my small frame of reference living, because it was expected of me. I have always chased love and the blanket of comfort I imagined it provided. I spent the next 24 years living in this manner. I had a child, I lost two pregnancies; I settled into what I thought parenting was. Earlier this year, I woke up from a torpor. I ran through fields of fear and loss and heartache. On the other side, I took my shoes off and walked through the wet grass. I felt the earth beneath my feet and wondered how I had missed it all those years.

On my 44th birthday I made a decision to open my heart and mind and live in the moment. This is proving to be one of the biggest and brighest decisions of my life. I am not free of responsibility, but I am learning to speak my mind and use the voice I was never allowed to share in all my history. I say no. I choose the path I walk on because it is good for me. I am learning to selectively bend when I have indifference and my non choice will provide joy to another. I have ceased to allow the expectations of others rooted in their conformity to color the way I walk my own path.

I laugh more. I create more. I breathe in the world that is at my fingertips.

I am three episodes into the chef's table and I have learned about the power of pushing boundaries and believing in dreams. I have learned that simplicity is almost always the better road to follow. I have learned that passion is kept alive in love by maintaining personal individuality and space; that I must surround myself with people I want to be near me... people that interest me and challenge me.

I look forward to more life lessons as the seasons unfold. The experiences of these chefs are not my own, but they inspire me to think about my own direction and how it will be colored by my choices and being aware of the talents and gifts of those around me. I don't know how much time in the world I have left, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let myself be chauffeured, existing in the back seat watching everything go by without being an integral part of it.

The Reset Button

Aleathia says:

I had the pleasure of camping with my friend Annette this week. She is a wonderful woman who brings out some great qualities in me and helps me to stay true to the important things in my life like yoga, meditation, a good diet, tea, and being aware of the world around me. Earlier in the summer we took a road trip together...13 hours on the road each way and not once did we want to kill each other. That is a good traveling partner.

Life has been stressful in the last few months and the both of us are settling into defining how we want to live life right now and learning what our dreams hold for the future. On a whim I had asked her if she wanted to go camping for a few days and she was excited to. Neither of us had camped in a long time and a nature reset was just what we needed.

Annette is a raw vegan. I am a swarthy meat eater. We get along because we don't make it political. It is just life choices. I decided that this trip I would eat her diet for several reasons. I was having stomach trouble and eating raw meant that I didn't have to bring the usual 10 tubs of cooking gear to manage outdoor meal time. I was leery about whether or not I would feel like I was starving, but even with over 25 miles of walking and hiking, I wasn't weak or dizzy once. This really showed me what my body is made of and what it can do with different kinds of fuel.

Now this wasn't a teetotaler sort of trip. We drank rum like it was going out of style and indulged in some fancy s'mores. We had deep conversations as we walked and drank. We laughed by the fire and even had some tears. We looked at stars and waterfalls and everything green. What we did was get to know each other outside of work just a little better.

In the mornings, we did yoga by the waterfall. This was an other worldly experience to have such a connection with nature and do our individual practices. The sound of rushing water like a mantra that spoke to us in different ways.

We made a dedication to hike the entire gorge loop starting with the Gorge Trail  up to Lucifer Falls and back down on the Rim Trail which overlooks the lower falls. This hike was full of steep elevations and crazy sets of stairs. One false move and over the cliff you could go to a most certain sort of death. We met so many people along the way each of them in different stages of physical health and hiking ability. The great thing was that both Annette and I have the same hiking pace. What a rare happening to find a hiking partner on the first try!

When we reached the bridge to the Rim Trail I had doubts as to whether or not I wanted to climb more stairs to Lucifer Falls. I was getting tired, my hips were hurting, and I was feeling a little defeated. I said fuck it and up we went. If I didn't get to the top I would have regretted it greatly. Once up there we looked at the falls and had a snack. We rested for about 20 minutes and then I felt great again. We made our way down the other side of the gorge and what a glorious feeling to breech that last gate and know that you've accomplished something you had tried to do several times before but could not.

This camping trip was good for the soul. It truly was a reset button for me. It has given me new direction in my life and a more positive perspective about my future and all the dreams it holds. Always reach for the distance. It's so beautiful when you get there.

The Meaning of Love

Aleathia says:

The last few months have made me acutely aware of the need to redefine the meaning of love and the body people called family. My life has been spent seeking love without knowing really what that means to me. The love I received as a child had so many strings attached to it as well heavy influences from my environment and the social circles around me. I had no control over the love I received or how it was given. I had little control over the love I wanted to give because in order to give love, someone has to want to be on the other end of it.

Love is abstract at best. We "love" pizza. We "love" going to the beach. I "love" you. In our language and in our time, it feels as if love is just another verb without much weight or meaning. To understand this is pretty disappointing especially if it has been your life's work trying to find a love that feels true.  In my experience that initial chemistry between two people is so very intense and over time fades into what most people label as "comfortable" and then is further transformed to mean "love".  I have been in a series of committed relationships over the last 26 years in which this very scenario has played out. In the end of each of them, love is the farthest thing from what was felt or experienced.

My existential crisis comes from trying to understand why it is socially acceptable for the fading of that chemistry between two humans into banality that is then labeled "love" or "they are good together"? Why do people stay together when they no longer have that fire in their belly for the other? What makes us settle for less than what we want or desire out of a relationship? Are we truly honest with our inner selves about what love means to us or what it looks like?

I have been listening to a lot of music lately and my friend turned me on to Alt-j. A line from one of their songs has really weighed heavy on me:

"I want to love you in my own language"

How significant is that? I say this line to myself every day in an attempt to wrap my mind around its meaning. If I love someone in the language of my own heart, it may not be a language their heart understands. Maybe love is finding another person whose heart speaks the same language as yours. I feel like that chemistry should not fade. I should be able to look at someone I love and it fill me with a certain joy that is only attainable with love. I feel like my body and my skin should respond to their unique touch and that if the love is there the other person would be observant enough to feel and read the response of the other. I know, you are saying, she is a dreamer. I have been called much worse in my lifetime, but it is not such a tall order to want to feel electrified and comfortable at the same time. Love should make you feel free.

Having made this definition of love for myself I found another line that has touched me. I was recently watching Sense 8 and one of the characters said:

"Art is love made public"

This idea has transformed my approach to art...the way I look at it, the way I respond to it, the way I make it. So if art is love made public then art is the feeling of being free in the face of strangers. This idea is profound to me and it is the place that I want to be...living in a free and open way; loving in a way that sets my skin on fire and brings me a comfort that allows me the freedom to be my own true self.

These last few months after the fallout of my relationship has given me boundless opportunity to connect with new people, reconnect with old friends, and connect with the true nature of my being. My perspective of the world is changing. I am growing into my own after living a life meant for others. I am reaching. I am taking it all in. I am finding joy in places where none existed before. I am placing no boundaries or judgments on people and things. I have never felt more alive as I do right now.