Balance: An Obsessive's Unicorn

Aleathia says:

So my friend said to me the other day..."you haven't written in awhile". Yes, I know. "It's brewing," I told him. It wasn't all together untrue, but I wasn't sure what I was brewing. I'm always brewing 12 things at once. Choosing is hard. Finishing is hard. Focusing often challenging.

Days before I started thinking about balance. As a Buddhist, balance is often on my mind. Finding the middle way the goal in all things. Just being can be more difficult than it sounds. One of the scariest things in Buddhism to me is "form is emptiness and emptiness is form". I am one of those people who loves things in little boxes or on lists or categories. It gives me a sense of purpose. It makes me feel safe. It is my woobie. But consumed by boxes, lists and categories one misses out on life and opportunity. I think this is in part why I chose Buddhism all those years ago. I recognized the lack of freedom in my life and the stand up nature to be brave enough to look at my own shortcomings and still maintain some loving kindness towards myself. This talk isn't about Buddhism, but about balance and discovery, though Buddhism is always present when these two things happen.

Anyway, I have been struggling through winter in Upstate NY. Grey, dark, cold, blah and repeat. February is a millstone and often my most isolated and the time when obsessive behaviors are their worst. To battle these issues, I have been listening to 2 Dope Queens comedy. They make me laugh and I can always use more of that. On one of their episodes they were bantering back and forth talking about exercise and noted that people who just talk about their workouts and exercising are so boring.

I stopped smiling immediately. Panic. Looking around in isolation. More panic. They were talking to me.

January was the start of my training for a section hike of the Appalachian Trail and it has been my obsession. I have tracked every work out. I talked about all my workouts so much so my kid retreats to her room every night instead of hanging out with me. I talked about it at work. When I was alone, I talked to my self about it and have spent much of my free time doing research. I make personalized oatmeals. In effect, I am going bat shit crazy in my house.

Having goals are so wonderful. It inspires ambition and gives direction, but when you have an obsessive personality things can derail very quickly.  I would not say I am OCD as it would be unfair to take such a label from those that are truly diagnosed. My house is a damn mess....an organized chaotic mess. I'm not overly concerned with germs. Everything does not have its own place. But I do have obsessive tendencies that can make me short sighted. I believe this comes from an early childhood of being hyper-vigilant and scared and having to grow up too fast. How many of your friends can say they were left in charge of a newborn baby with no parents in the house at 8 years old? I grew up real quick. I needed certain things to be in certain places for life to make sense. So at age 44 it is hard to begin to untangle the wiring.

So here I am having some balance and trying to not feel guilty about it. I skipped my evening workout tonight to take my kid to dinner and say goodbye to my future hiking partner and go to the bookstore. The two hours I would have spent at the gym were replaced with good food and laughter, hugs and smiles, and more fucking laughter. It was followed up with the nerd fest of non-fiction book reading with my 16 year old and exchanging information on the relationship of trees and the history of colors. That is a memory I get to keep. I wouldn't have remembered the workout past its notation in my training journal. I guess what I am saying is that balance is a struggle for me and always has been. But it's never too late.

Try something new. Give yourself a break from routine. Be nice to yourself when you don't reach goals when you planned to. Enjoy life. It sounds corny.  It is corny, but true. Oprah says "The most valuable thing you can give yourself is time." That's some gospel right there. Spring is almost here friends. We can make it....one obsessive day at a time.

Thanks for reading.
Aleathia

Chef's Table and the Essence of Life

Aleathia says:

What I am learning has little to do with food and so much to do with living a full life in the manner of your choosing. Growing up in small towns across America this is not the experience of the average child. You are indoctrinated with the idea that you are to conform with what adults believe. You sit and be quiet. You follow the rules at all times. You stay inside the lines. You are seen and rarely heard.

This was my life despite my parents wild ways. They were very do as I say, not as I do. It was uninspired living. There were moments of magic watching my mother draw or being allowed to help her cook. There were moments reading my father's poetry and walking in the woods listening, but the conforming nature prevailed through most of my life.

When I left home and moved to a big city it was a time of fear, but also a time of freedom. I met people who had lifestyles chosen by their own hands. Their minds we're not tethered to the poles of authority and rules. They fascinated me to no end. In this time, I tasted the roots of my soul. I climbed mountains, did drugs, and wandered the streets taking in a life I never knew existed. I began to fall in love with myself and life. For some reason I gave it up.

I went back to traditional living, my small frame of reference living, because it was expected of me. I have always chased love and the blanket of comfort I imagined it provided. I spent the next 24 years living in this manner. I had a child, I lost two pregnancies; I settled into what I thought parenting was. Earlier this year, I woke up from a torpor. I ran through fields of fear and loss and heartache. On the other side, I took my shoes off and walked through the wet grass. I felt the earth beneath my feet and wondered how I had missed it all those years.

On my 44th birthday I made a decision to open my heart and mind and live in the moment. This is proving to be one of the biggest and brighest decisions of my life. I am not free of responsibility, but I am learning to speak my mind and use the voice I was never allowed to share in all my history. I say no. I choose the path I walk on because it is good for me. I am learning to selectively bend when I have indifference and my non choice will provide joy to another. I have ceased to allow the expectations of others rooted in their conformity to color the way I walk my own path.

I laugh more. I create more. I breathe in the world that is at my fingertips.

I am three episodes into the chef's table and I have learned about the power of pushing boundaries and believing in dreams. I have learned that simplicity is almost always the better road to follow. I have learned that passion is kept alive in love by maintaining personal individuality and space; that I must surround myself with people I want to be near me... people that interest me and challenge me.

I look forward to more life lessons as the seasons unfold. The experiences of these chefs are not my own, but they inspire me to think about my own direction and how it will be colored by my choices and being aware of the talents and gifts of those around me. I don't know how much time in the world I have left, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let myself be chauffeured, existing in the back seat watching everything go by without being an integral part of it.

Kava tea and Musings on Mara

Aleathia says:





Last night my good friend Annette asked Chloe and I to go to Ithaca to visit a kava tea bar. I had never really investigated this place though I had seen people come in and out of there on nights when I drove there to go to a concert on a nearby street. The kava tender was very knowledgeable and gave us some history on the drink as well as the properties and what it was used for.

This stuff tastes like bitter dirt even when mixed in chocolate almond milk.  We shared a large bowl which was about 3 coconut half shells worth. This was enough to feel the effects of it which make you very relaxed and euphoric.  It was like being on a cross of Xanax and Ecstacy while also making your tongue and lips numb. This worked for the show they had going called Harmonic Temple which was a sort of band/DJ trance hippie sort of sound with a light show.

There were the usual types of very energetic hippie dancers...some all over the place, some spastic, some doing dreaming moves on the periphery and a few others scattered about. This was very entertaining to watch and we all felt like we were in a nice place. After a few hours, Annette got up and started dancing and I soon followed as did Chloe. We danced for a few hours letting the beats take us over, letting loose so many things. It was an enjoyable time and something I had not done in years.

The morning after is another situation. Both Chloe and I, who tend to have very high anxiety personalities, felt sluggish and irritated and clumsy today where as Annette who has less anxiety had a fabulous day. My theory is that the contrast between natural state and kava root induced state was just too wide for me and my kiddo. I sort of enjoy the frenetic nature of my soul and today I have felt like a shell of a human. I am accomplishing all the things I set out to do but not with any fervor or desire. I feel like an automaton. I can't say that I will ever drink that again, but I will go and enjoy regular tea and some booty shaking.

Earlier in the week I was approached by a younger man who had some interest in getting together. It was an intense day of flirting which put me on top of the world and made me feel desired. I had not felt this way in a long time even in a committed relationship. I practically floated on air. We were supposed to hook up today, but it never happened. He never called. I never called him either. I feel like this was a test.

In Buddhism, there is a figure in the literature called Mara who is a demon that in the stories sends his most beautiful daughters to lure Siddhartha from his path. This young man, under most circumstances, would have tempted my pants off...literally. But because I had time between the flirting and the possible get together, I realized that fulfilling the temptation would come at physical and mental costs I was not willing to pay. I chose self worth over self pleasure. This is a turning point for me because most of my life I have felt like I had no worth and that the worth I did have was rooted in whether or not someone chose to have sex with me.

This is an interesting time in my life where I am open to the lessons being placed in front of me and able to truly make decisions about the direction of my life. I am speaking truth to myself. It is kind of refreshing.

Aleathia

Painted Glass and the Meaning of Life, a poem

Aleathia says:

We walked to the museum in perfect weather.
It felt like an eternity since we had shared
something simple but important.

5 years looming on the horizon
and I’ve forgotten who I was before you arrived.

I contemplate the significance of this
in the grand scheme of life.

Have I lost myself?
Have we grown too comfortable?
What does that even mean?
But I say nothing.
Live in this moment, I tell myself.

We look at sculptures in the white, stark wing
and comment on pieces we love revisiting,
take note of new specimens.

The painted, hazy glass catches my attention.

I am alone in front of it, my body a blur in the center.
I feel lost in the world. You come and stand beside me,
the blur gets larger and changes shape.

It is something new. The piece is new, we are new.
I take our picture, a portrait, I say. You half smile
and say nothing.

I am home.
I am where I am supposed to be.

Aleathia Drehmer 2016

Fall Apart, Come Together

Aleathia says:

Yesterday was pretty interesting....unexpected.  My friend Vicki gave me a ride home from work because I wanted to make sure Michael had the car for his 5 am shift.  She drove me home after an uneventful shift at work and sitting in my driveway we had a good old fashioned bitch session. It didn't make me feel better or worse about what we were discussing until the end.

Vicki said to me that in the end we are not obligated to the manager or the senior leadership, in the end we are obligated to the patient.  We are obligated to take care of them and care for them.  I sat there with that a minute.  I took it with me while I ate breakfast, while I fed the dog, while I took a shower, and as I fell asleep.  It was there when I woke up.

That evening Chloe came home from her father's and was kind of douchey.  Before she went to bed I called her out on it and she told me that her father had wanted her to string the lights on the Christmas tree this year and she was super proud to be able to get to do it.  She told me that he proceeded to criticize how she did it and then in the end, in front of her, took down all the lights she had strung and put them back up himself.  She told me she went in the bathroom to cry and he picked on her.  His obligation as a parent is to nurture and love her.  His obligation is to take care of her.

We stood in the hallway having cleared the air and she went to bed more sure of herself and with the knowledge that our tree would be more fun and less stressful.

Later that night, Michael and I had a few beers and started talking.  I talked about what Vicki had said and about what happened to Chloe.  I told him I am at the point in my job where I hate going there.  I feel on edge and burnt out and brimming with compassion fatigue.  Michael was good enough to remind me that there must be something wrong with me, because the conditions at my job hardly ever change and that he notices sometimes when I am centered and feeling strong the job never matters, but when something is wrong, it matters a lot.

I sat there with it trying not to cry in the bar.

I love this man so much.  He never lets me fall on my face or take for granted that I have all the control in the world over how I see and move through the universe.  I feel lost and I am not sure why. I do know that I have jumped on the wheel of samsara again and so here I spin around and around getting no where.  It might just be time to jump off again and find a place to sit.

I Am A Mother of a Teenage Daughter...and I Love It.

Aleathia says:

Holy Hannah!  It has been over a month since I posted, but not without great reason.  Life has been happening people, lots and lots of life.  I have been taking online courses to further my education at work.  They aren't official classes in the sense I get credit for them, but what does that matter anyway if I learn and retain the knowledge?  Does it only count if I have a piece of paper?  Wouldn't it count more if I could actually use the knowledge at work and share it with others?

I am still running, or what I call running, despite a few muscle strains.  I run when I tell myself I can't.  I run when I want to and when I need to.  I don't go more than 2 miles most of the time, but each time I run more of that 2 miles is running rather than walking which I find to be an accomplishment.

We have been having dog problems of the worst kind.  Diarrhea in the house...repeatedly, which leads to anger which leads to the ugliest part of me pushing to the surface.  It really has showed me how easy it is to lose my compassion in the face of samsara.  I can hear myself yelling over things the dog cannot control.  I feel myself have guilt, but still not shut my mouth.  I had to go running the one day to think about things.  Marshall was abandoned and then imprisoned and we saved him.  It took him a long time to really trust that we were going to keep him.  It took a long time to show the physical extent of his separation anxiety which in the beginning was howling and a bit of pacing.  It is now full on loss of bodily functions.  Part of me wanted to take the easy road and take him back to the pound.  The other part of me understands what it is like to be abandoned and yelled at all the time for things you don't understand.  All he knows is that we are his pack and he is lonely when we aren't here.  I get that.  I am lonely when my family isn't around either.  So, we (more me) have come up with a plan: more activity, probiotics, and less vocalization one way or the other about good and bad. Bad attention is still attention as far as he is concerned.  It has been a journey...a messy, stinky journey.

I have been filling my life with work and sewing and reading and crafts.  It seems like there is not enough time in the day to squeeze all this life in.  In addition to that I am still trying to be a great girlfriend and a great mom.  I'm trying to not burn out at work, but feeling less successful at that then all the rest.  I have been doing the same thing for the last 8 years with the only change being it is getting busier and more stressful.  People are leaving and moving on.  I just don't want to get bitter in my job.  I love what I do, it is just overwhelming most of the time.

Which brings me to the topic of conversation....teenage daughter.  I have to tell you that through all the years I have heard mothers bitch about teenagers and how horrible it is to parent them.  I tried my best when I was a teenager to be good.  I am sure I added a few gray hairs to my mother's head, but for the most part I was good.  I worked, got good grades, didn't drink or do drugs, was involved in plays and choirs and sports, and I did volunteer work.  I had a messy room, but I did chores and at one point was a caregiver to my infirmed mother at the age of 14 when no one else would help.  In essence, I didn't have time to be a teenager.  I went from kid to adult, but it suited me for the most part.  I was always older and quieter in my heart.

I have spent all of Chloe's life trying to raise her with respect, honesty, kindness, and individuality. These were things not given to me as a child.  I was given fear, authority, loneliness, and a be like everyone else attitude.  I never had a voice or an opinion.  Chloe is different from the other kids at school.  She knows she is and in the beginning I thought she may have had a social disorder.  She had all the signs on paper, but in the end it was a case of late blooming.  She is turning into this wonderful young lady who is respectful, kind, smart, funny, and sometimes eager to move on to bigger and better things.  Michael has been a great influence on the shaping of my little girl.  He was and always will be the "cool kid" that I never was and has such a way of presenting the world that makes Chloe take notice.  She looks up to him and I love that.

I love this time in her life where she is blooming and growing and discovering what it is she wants out of life when she leaves here.  In history class, she has to pick current event topics and the things she chooses makes me proud...makes me know that she is listening when we have our dinner talks about what is going on in the world.  Most of all I am happy that she loves talking to me and sharing her world with me honestly and openly.  She gives me the opportunity to share my life experiences with her in a way that might influence how she makes decisions for her own future.  I have always been brutally honest with her and in my heart I feel like she respects me for that.

In a time when so many of my friends are having horror stories to share about their teenagers, I feel lucky and blessed and so happy that I made the choices I did when she was younger.  It is always a risk.  You never know if how your captain the ship will end in stormy weather or not.  I hope we stay the course and keep moving forward in positive ways.  Life isn't perfect and she makes mistakes, but I always tell her that it is the mistakes we make that give us the best opportunity to learn if we have the courage to look at it that way.  We are not perfect.  That is such an unattainable idea, but we do have in us the ability to give the best we can do right now.  Life is an ever changing journey.  There is a rotation between ups and downs and we have to not get too lost in either of them so that we see the wonder there is in both.