Balance: An Obsessive's Unicorn

Aleathia says:

So my friend said to me the other day..."you haven't written in awhile". Yes, I know. "It's brewing," I told him. It wasn't all together untrue, but I wasn't sure what I was brewing. I'm always brewing 12 things at once. Choosing is hard. Finishing is hard. Focusing often challenging.

Days before I started thinking about balance. As a Buddhist, balance is often on my mind. Finding the middle way the goal in all things. Just being can be more difficult than it sounds. One of the scariest things in Buddhism to me is "form is emptiness and emptiness is form". I am one of those people who loves things in little boxes or on lists or categories. It gives me a sense of purpose. It makes me feel safe. It is my woobie. But consumed by boxes, lists and categories one misses out on life and opportunity. I think this is in part why I chose Buddhism all those years ago. I recognized the lack of freedom in my life and the stand up nature to be brave enough to look at my own shortcomings and still maintain some loving kindness towards myself. This talk isn't about Buddhism, but about balance and discovery, though Buddhism is always present when these two things happen.

Anyway, I have been struggling through winter in Upstate NY. Grey, dark, cold, blah and repeat. February is a millstone and often my most isolated and the time when obsessive behaviors are their worst. To battle these issues, I have been listening to 2 Dope Queens comedy. They make me laugh and I can always use more of that. On one of their episodes they were bantering back and forth talking about exercise and noted that people who just talk about their workouts and exercising are so boring.

I stopped smiling immediately. Panic. Looking around in isolation. More panic. They were talking to me.

January was the start of my training for a section hike of the Appalachian Trail and it has been my obsession. I have tracked every work out. I talked about all my workouts so much so my kid retreats to her room every night instead of hanging out with me. I talked about it at work. When I was alone, I talked to my self about it and have spent much of my free time doing research. I make personalized oatmeals. In effect, I am going bat shit crazy in my house.

Having goals are so wonderful. It inspires ambition and gives direction, but when you have an obsessive personality things can derail very quickly.  I would not say I am OCD as it would be unfair to take such a label from those that are truly diagnosed. My house is a damn mess....an organized chaotic mess. I'm not overly concerned with germs. Everything does not have its own place. But I do have obsessive tendencies that can make me short sighted. I believe this comes from an early childhood of being hyper-vigilant and scared and having to grow up too fast. How many of your friends can say they were left in charge of a newborn baby with no parents in the house at 8 years old? I grew up real quick. I needed certain things to be in certain places for life to make sense. So at age 44 it is hard to begin to untangle the wiring.

So here I am having some balance and trying to not feel guilty about it. I skipped my evening workout tonight to take my kid to dinner and say goodbye to my future hiking partner and go to the bookstore. The two hours I would have spent at the gym were replaced with good food and laughter, hugs and smiles, and more fucking laughter. It was followed up with the nerd fest of non-fiction book reading with my 16 year old and exchanging information on the relationship of trees and the history of colors. That is a memory I get to keep. I wouldn't have remembered the workout past its notation in my training journal. I guess what I am saying is that balance is a struggle for me and always has been. But it's never too late.

Try something new. Give yourself a break from routine. Be nice to yourself when you don't reach goals when you planned to. Enjoy life. It sounds corny.  It is corny, but true. Oprah says "The most valuable thing you can give yourself is time." That's some gospel right there. Spring is almost here friends. We can make it....one obsessive day at a time.

Thanks for reading.
Aleathia

3/25/2015 Parenting Surprises

Aleathia says:

Yesterday the sun was shining and it was actually warm enough where I didn't have to wear a coat, hat and scarf.  It has been a damn long winter and any flash of light is pretty pleasing.

I picked up my kid from her Robotics Club after school and she was abuzz about how they learned to program the dance moves that the robot would do and how they had picked a portion of the 1812 Overture as well as some new music from Imagine Dragons to splice together.  Next week they will learn how to program their dance moves together to sync up with the music and make that robot get funky.

We laughed together as we were both clacking....me from espresso and her from sugar.  We had a full on squirrel moment and couldn't stop laughing.  I have to say all those people who said that having a teenager would suck, lied.  Maybe they just can't remember what it was like to be a teenager.  That, my friends, is sad.

When I went to the local coffee shop to get my espresso I saw several of Chloe's classmates there.  They were in a gaggle which is typical for teenage girls and all had their smart phones and Vera Bradley bags and trendy clothes.  For a minute my heart sort of sunk.  I had a huge amount of doubt about what kind of life my daughter was leading.  She didn't have friends like this.  She doesn't go to coffee shops and talk about boys or clothes or shoes.  In some way I felt like a parenting failure because she seems so outside the box.

That changed when I picked her up from Robotics.  That changed when she asked me to go for a walk with her and we talked about real life and dreams and our plans for a fun summer.  Half way through the walk I told her about what I had seen at the coffee shop (leaving out the doubt and guilt part) and she stopped me in my tracks.  She told me that she felt I was a really cool mom even though I had to punish her sometimes and make rules.  She said at least she knows that I support her in her own identity and style and that I am nice to her and listen to what she has to say.

I really had to keep myself from crying.  It is a rare moment that a mother gets a validation like this with no strings attached.  She didn't want anything from me except my company on a fine spring day.

I love that all these years of talking to her like a human being instead of a little kid has paid off.  She is growing up into a wonderful, very outside the box, young lady.  She is kind and artistic and funny.  She is sensitive, but also learning to thicken up her skin so she doesn't get hurt by the evil that lingers in middle school and high school.

I thanked her for being patient with me as I learn to let go of control of everything and deal with her need for independence and freedom.  She knows it is the hardest thing in the world for me to do and she could have rebelled and cut me to the quick with meanness and hatred, but instead, she waited until I was ready to deal with it in my own time.  It feels really good to be a mother and to see that all the long, hard years spent expressing morals and values have rooted to make a great base for my child as she moves forward in the world.

Cherish the great days as well as the hard days.  There are lessons in each of them and joys within the sorrows if you look at them right.