Goodbye 2017

Aleathia says:

I sit down to write this in the new year and know that I should make promises to blog more and keep up with this darn things, but I don't want to make promises I can't keep.  I am going to put an effort in to sharing more.

2017 as a year in review is a painful one. Grief and sadness and death kept me from doing many of the things I hold dear to my heart, but instead of looking at it negatively, I am looking at the year as a transition period. The end of this year had me dispelling the last of my connections with my ex in the form of deleting all pictures of him and making a stand not to care no matter what the reason. It was killing me slowly and quietly because I am not good at letting things go if they are unanswered to a degree of great understanding. This in itself is a lesson to carry forward.

2017 was an interesting year for my creative side. After a very long dormant period, I rose from the ashes with a new found fury. I have taken on harder cross stitch projects (and even landed a commission), taught myself how to sew yoga bags and play mats, crocheted blankets and scarves and hats, rediscovered my love of collage, participated in photography projects, got asked to be in a fiction collection, wrote 3 poetry collections, designed some fine fabric art projects looking at mental illness, started a bullet journal, and rediscovered a love of drawing. When given the space and the time to focus on it my creativity soars.

I learned to be alone this year and discover the beautiful freedom of personality and individuality that comes with it. I do still have my daughter living at home, but I am alone in the intimate sense that one half of my bed is covered with art projects, books, and remotes rather than a man. This was challenging at first and so full of fear and loneliness, but now I can't ever see myself sharing this space again. Don't get me wrong, I love a good spooning session and affection, but at what cost does this come? I have spent a lifetime being someone that people wanted in just the way they wanted me. Now I get to be who I want to be for myself. This is by far the biggest lesson I have learned.

There has been a lot of yoga this year, though I have slacked a bit at the end, and it has done wonders for my sense of being centered. It has helped physically with my arthritis and has made me not feel so damned old all the time. It is often my mediation. My time alone. My one with the universe sessions. I hope to do more of it this year on a consistent basis and let it open my heart to being less closed off to opportunity and friendships.

Above all, this year has given me deep friendships. I have never been one to have a lot of girlfriends because most of the women I meet are a bit fake and backstabbing. It gets hard to trust them, so I have let only a few magnificent women in my life in the last 40 years. Usually if I make a female friend, I do so until they step away from me for good. I discovered what it means to be supported by another woman, to share of myself and be accepted, to find connection where I believed their would not be any. The circle of women in my life, including my daughter, is a treasure I never thought I would get to experience in my lifetime. I hope the coming year makes those bonds stronger and I can be a worthy friend.

In getting back to the roots of my personality, I bought myself a Tarot deck. I had one years ago when I had the most contact with my authentic identity...when I lived for me. Because I am older and a bit more tongue in cheek these days, I bought a Zombie deck. The art is quite fun and that is what I want my life to be about. I did a year spread to see how the months would unfold and there is much work ahead of me actually. 2017 may have been only the pre-transition year and 2018 will find me working through this transition with challenges and frustrations and things not moving along as fast as I would like, but with determination and good decision making, I will come out on top.

I know this post is long and attention spans are short. If you have made it this far, thank ye kindly. I hope to be bringing back posts of art and discovery. Music. Movies. Books! I am going for it this year. As always, thanks for sticking around these last few years while I fumble through life. It means a lot. Happy New Year. Let's make it our bitch.

Aleathia

3/25/2015 Parenting Surprises

Aleathia says:

Yesterday the sun was shining and it was actually warm enough where I didn't have to wear a coat, hat and scarf.  It has been a damn long winter and any flash of light is pretty pleasing.

I picked up my kid from her Robotics Club after school and she was abuzz about how they learned to program the dance moves that the robot would do and how they had picked a portion of the 1812 Overture as well as some new music from Imagine Dragons to splice together.  Next week they will learn how to program their dance moves together to sync up with the music and make that robot get funky.

We laughed together as we were both clacking....me from espresso and her from sugar.  We had a full on squirrel moment and couldn't stop laughing.  I have to say all those people who said that having a teenager would suck, lied.  Maybe they just can't remember what it was like to be a teenager.  That, my friends, is sad.

When I went to the local coffee shop to get my espresso I saw several of Chloe's classmates there.  They were in a gaggle which is typical for teenage girls and all had their smart phones and Vera Bradley bags and trendy clothes.  For a minute my heart sort of sunk.  I had a huge amount of doubt about what kind of life my daughter was leading.  She didn't have friends like this.  She doesn't go to coffee shops and talk about boys or clothes or shoes.  In some way I felt like a parenting failure because she seems so outside the box.

That changed when I picked her up from Robotics.  That changed when she asked me to go for a walk with her and we talked about real life and dreams and our plans for a fun summer.  Half way through the walk I told her about what I had seen at the coffee shop (leaving out the doubt and guilt part) and she stopped me in my tracks.  She told me that she felt I was a really cool mom even though I had to punish her sometimes and make rules.  She said at least she knows that I support her in her own identity and style and that I am nice to her and listen to what she has to say.

I really had to keep myself from crying.  It is a rare moment that a mother gets a validation like this with no strings attached.  She didn't want anything from me except my company on a fine spring day.

I love that all these years of talking to her like a human being instead of a little kid has paid off.  She is growing up into a wonderful, very outside the box, young lady.  She is kind and artistic and funny.  She is sensitive, but also learning to thicken up her skin so she doesn't get hurt by the evil that lingers in middle school and high school.

I thanked her for being patient with me as I learn to let go of control of everything and deal with her need for independence and freedom.  She knows it is the hardest thing in the world for me to do and she could have rebelled and cut me to the quick with meanness and hatred, but instead, she waited until I was ready to deal with it in my own time.  It feels really good to be a mother and to see that all the long, hard years spent expressing morals and values have rooted to make a great base for my child as she moves forward in the world.

Cherish the great days as well as the hard days.  There are lessons in each of them and joys within the sorrows if you look at them right.