I sit down to write this in the new year and know that I should make promises to blog more and keep up with this darn things, but I don't want to make promises I can't keep. I am going to put an effort in to sharing more.
2017 as a year in review is a painful one. Grief and sadness and death kept me from doing many of the things I hold dear to my heart, but instead of looking at it negatively, I am looking at the year as a transition period. The end of this year had me dispelling the last of my connections with my ex in the form of deleting all pictures of him and making a stand not to care no matter what the reason. It was killing me slowly and quietly because I am not good at letting things go if they are unanswered to a degree of great understanding. This in itself is a lesson to carry forward.
2017 was an interesting year for my creative side. After a very long dormant period, I rose from the ashes with a new found fury. I have taken on harder cross stitch projects (and even landed a commission), taught myself how to sew yoga bags and play mats, crocheted blankets and scarves and hats, rediscovered my love of collage, participated in photography projects, got asked to be in a fiction collection, wrote 3 poetry collections, designed some fine fabric art projects looking at mental illness, started a bullet journal, and rediscovered a love of drawing. When given the space and the time to focus on it my creativity soars.
I learned to be alone this year and discover the beautiful freedom of personality and individuality that comes with it. I do still have my daughter living at home, but I am alone in the intimate sense that one half of my bed is covered with art projects, books, and remotes rather than a man. This was challenging at first and so full of fear and loneliness, but now I can't ever see myself sharing this space again. Don't get me wrong, I love a good spooning session and affection, but at what cost does this come? I have spent a lifetime being someone that people wanted in just the way they wanted me. Now I get to be who I want to be for myself. This is by far the biggest lesson I have learned.
There has been a lot of yoga this year, though I have slacked a bit at the end, and it has done wonders for my sense of being centered. It has helped physically with my arthritis and has made me not feel so damned old all the time. It is often my mediation. My time alone. My one with the universe sessions. I hope to do more of it this year on a consistent basis and let it open my heart to being less closed off to opportunity and friendships.
Above all, this year has given me deep friendships. I have never been one to have a lot of girlfriends because most of the women I meet are a bit fake and backstabbing. It gets hard to trust them, so I have let only a few magnificent women in my life in the last 40 years. Usually if I make a female friend, I do so until they step away from me for good. I discovered what it means to be supported by another woman, to share of myself and be accepted, to find connection where I believed their would not be any. The circle of women in my life, including my daughter, is a treasure I never thought I would get to experience in my lifetime. I hope the coming year makes those bonds stronger and I can be a worthy friend.
In getting back to the roots of my personality, I bought myself a Tarot deck. I had one years ago when I had the most contact with my authentic identity...when I lived for me. Because I am older and a bit more tongue in cheek these days, I bought a Zombie deck. The art is quite fun and that is what I want my life to be about. I did a year spread to see how the months would unfold and there is much work ahead of me actually. 2017 may have been only the pre-transition year and 2018 will find me working through this transition with challenges and frustrations and things not moving along as fast as I would like, but with determination and good decision making, I will come out on top.
I know this post is long and attention spans are short. If you have made it this far, thank ye kindly. I hope to be bringing back posts of art and discovery. Music. Movies. Books! I am going for it this year. As always, thanks for sticking around these last few years while I fumble through life. It means a lot. Happy New Year. Let's make it our bitch.
Aleathia
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