Appalachian Trail Goals for 2019: White Mountains Here I Come!

Aleathia says:

This year my key word for myself is Open. Open heart, open mind, open to suggestions, opening doors, opening windows. Open everything. Does anyone understand how scary this is for a woman who can be outgoing, but really plays the cards close in every situation? It's like a panic attack having a panic attack.

A week or so ago a friend at work causally asked if I wanted to hike 280 miles of the Appalachian Trail this summer. I was like "uh, no". Because with that came so much opportunity to fail physically and mentally. I thought it was weird to be middle aged and overweight and be asked to take on a journey that in my current condition could not be done.  I went home and thought about it.

My father, after Vietnam, walked the entire Appalachian Trail. He has always been my hero. He was an outdoors man. He was always in a silent conversation with nature. He looked happiest in the woods or by the river. I feel this energy whenever I venture out into nature, but I still pull myself back into my shell of home. Maybe I am afraid of what I will find when I commune with the deepest parts of my life. It is hard to say. But being given the chance to walk part of the same trail my father did over 40 years ago is something I can't give up.

So, I committed to doing a different section of the trail in the summer of 2019 so I have time to train. We are doing 230 miles from New Hampshire to Vermont...the White Mountains. I thought cool.  I looked it up and it is one of the hardest parts of the trail, but with this challenge will come the best views and the best understanding of my human limits. I am a goal oriented type person. You give me a challenge and a time to beat it in and I will find a way to do it.  If you tell me it can't be done, I will put everything I have into proving you wrong. Sometimes that part of my personality is a pain in the ass, but it often propels me to new levels.

Last Saturday I started training. Rolling hill setting on the treadmill with inclines 3.5%-10%. As the weeks go on I will increase the level, the incline, and the time. This happens three days a week with a 4th cardio session of elliptical or rowing, bicycle, and treadmill at a higher speed. Two days a week are for weight lifting small weights for 20 reps for the first month and then I go to burnouts. There is one day off from this work out regime. Everyday there is yoga. In the future months, I may add Tai Chi and Boxing to be sure to mix up my muscle groups. In the spring, it will be time to hit the trails and start doing weighted backpack.

The trek will be 230 miles with serious elevation gains wearing a 60-70 pound pack. I feel a little crazy taking this on at 44, but I also feel stronger than I ever have in my life. This year is going to be the year I get my shit together. Being an independent woman is where I need to be. I might get buff in the process.

Thanks for reading.
Aleathia

The Meaning of Love

Aleathia says:

The last few months have made me acutely aware of the need to redefine the meaning of love and the body people called family. My life has been spent seeking love without knowing really what that means to me. The love I received as a child had so many strings attached to it as well heavy influences from my environment and the social circles around me. I had no control over the love I received or how it was given. I had little control over the love I wanted to give because in order to give love, someone has to want to be on the other end of it.

Love is abstract at best. We "love" pizza. We "love" going to the beach. I "love" you. In our language and in our time, it feels as if love is just another verb without much weight or meaning. To understand this is pretty disappointing especially if it has been your life's work trying to find a love that feels true.  In my experience that initial chemistry between two people is so very intense and over time fades into what most people label as "comfortable" and then is further transformed to mean "love".  I have been in a series of committed relationships over the last 26 years in which this very scenario has played out. In the end of each of them, love is the farthest thing from what was felt or experienced.

My existential crisis comes from trying to understand why it is socially acceptable for the fading of that chemistry between two humans into banality that is then labeled "love" or "they are good together"? Why do people stay together when they no longer have that fire in their belly for the other? What makes us settle for less than what we want or desire out of a relationship? Are we truly honest with our inner selves about what love means to us or what it looks like?

I have been listening to a lot of music lately and my friend turned me on to Alt-j. A line from one of their songs has really weighed heavy on me:

"I want to love you in my own language"

How significant is that? I say this line to myself every day in an attempt to wrap my mind around its meaning. If I love someone in the language of my own heart, it may not be a language their heart understands. Maybe love is finding another person whose heart speaks the same language as yours. I feel like that chemistry should not fade. I should be able to look at someone I love and it fill me with a certain joy that is only attainable with love. I feel like my body and my skin should respond to their unique touch and that if the love is there the other person would be observant enough to feel and read the response of the other. I know, you are saying, she is a dreamer. I have been called much worse in my lifetime, but it is not such a tall order to want to feel electrified and comfortable at the same time. Love should make you feel free.

Having made this definition of love for myself I found another line that has touched me. I was recently watching Sense 8 and one of the characters said:

"Art is love made public"

This idea has transformed my approach to art...the way I look at it, the way I respond to it, the way I make it. So if art is love made public then art is the feeling of being free in the face of strangers. This idea is profound to me and it is the place that I want to be...living in a free and open way; loving in a way that sets my skin on fire and brings me a comfort that allows me the freedom to be my own true self.

These last few months after the fallout of my relationship has given me boundless opportunity to connect with new people, reconnect with old friends, and connect with the true nature of my being. My perspective of the world is changing. I am growing into my own after living a life meant for others. I am reaching. I am taking it all in. I am finding joy in places where none existed before. I am placing no boundaries or judgments on people and things. I have never felt more alive as I do right now.