Winter and "Call the Midwife"

Aleathia says:

In winter I feel the roots of my heritage take hold. Polish, Yugoslavia, Russian....possible Romanian. Throw in French Canadian and you have a recipe for hibernation. We are a somewhat contemplative, stoic bunch around strangers; full of vibrant life around those we trust and love. when ice and snow take over the land it begins a time of inner discovery.

Personally, I love the snow and quite enjoy a brisk walk in the winter sun. From my warm couch I can see the skeletal remains of trees on the hills, the ground blanketed in snow, the palest of blue skies, and ice flowing down the river. I sit here a lot and do nothing but think.

Winter is also the time when I binge watch television at night when my bones are aching and cold and the only comfort from pain I get is the distraction of needlework and television. There are some shows I put on for noise to ease the winter loneliness. The sound of conversations I don't have to engage in are a pleasure and the cadence of them makes the crocheting go faster. But once in a while I find a show that pierces the heart of me.

This week I wanted a break from my usual British crime series, so I stuck with the British theme and dove into "Call the Midwife". I have anxiety for when the series will be done. I have consumed 4 seasons already. I have cried nearly every episode.  It is not often that this happens. I admit to being an old softie, but this show has struck something deeper for me.



I am a nurse, so the show is relative to me in this sense. When I was first in nursing school I wanted to work in OB and help deliver babies. I had this unrealistic dream of how I would feel about such a thing. I felt my sensitive nature would make me perfect for the job. One evening during clinical I was able to witness the births of two babies. I am not sure I ever cried so much in my life. The screaming, the blood, the first sound of a baby crying, the look on the mother's face when she first sees her baby...these things are devastatingly beautiful. I decided that night that I could never do the job. I would need to be stronger if things went wrong and I wasn't sure that I wouldn't cry every time a baby was born. I went into the cut and dry of surgical floor nursing and then to emergency medicine where I have spent more than a decade.

"Call the Midwife" is more than strong women in the poor conditions of London's East End in the 50's and 60's. It is about finding faith in  your work, about friendship and love; losses suffered on a personal nature and ones suffered because you are in the same room. It is about standing up for patient's rights, for women having a voice in a time when they weren't supposed to, and about building your own identity from the ground up.

I had a conversation with my teenage daughter after she mentioned how much the show makes me cry. She said "maybe you get so emotional since you had a c-section instead of giving birth?" She sent this in a text from her room and I was glad of it, because I sat there crying again. Yes, maybe it was that. My body robbed me of that moment to see her after all the hard work I had done. 20 hours of labor, 6 hours of pushing, a failed epidural when it was time for surgery and having to have general anesthetic which left me unconscious for over 8 hours. Everyone in the family and all the staff had seen my baby before me. It is truly the only regretted moment of my life. The rest I chalk up to experience, but I missed the one perfect moment in life a mother can be given.

"You have to be brave to be in love, don't you? Knowing your heart will get broken at sometime."

This was a line from the show and it struck me so terribly hard. I sat there nodding, because it is one of the truest things I have ever heard. My heart has been broken so many times. My poor heart spent so much time on my sleeve where people could abuse it and do with it what they wanted. This last year has been sad and somewhat loveless for me. The bond with my daughter the only thing that got stronger besides the will to find myself again. Life is about the chances you take, about dealing with the consequences of your choices, and learning from the mistakes as much as the triumphs.

Never be afraid to dream big and fall short. Get back up again and do it all over. Cherish those small, perfect moments in life...never take them for granted. Don't let the world distract you from the daily wins and the opportunity to open new doors.

Thanks for reading
Aleathia

Appalachian Trail Goals for 2019: White Mountains Here I Come!

Aleathia says:

This year my key word for myself is Open. Open heart, open mind, open to suggestions, opening doors, opening windows. Open everything. Does anyone understand how scary this is for a woman who can be outgoing, but really plays the cards close in every situation? It's like a panic attack having a panic attack.

A week or so ago a friend at work causally asked if I wanted to hike 280 miles of the Appalachian Trail this summer. I was like "uh, no". Because with that came so much opportunity to fail physically and mentally. I thought it was weird to be middle aged and overweight and be asked to take on a journey that in my current condition could not be done.  I went home and thought about it.

My father, after Vietnam, walked the entire Appalachian Trail. He has always been my hero. He was an outdoors man. He was always in a silent conversation with nature. He looked happiest in the woods or by the river. I feel this energy whenever I venture out into nature, but I still pull myself back into my shell of home. Maybe I am afraid of what I will find when I commune with the deepest parts of my life. It is hard to say. But being given the chance to walk part of the same trail my father did over 40 years ago is something I can't give up.

So, I committed to doing a different section of the trail in the summer of 2019 so I have time to train. We are doing 230 miles from New Hampshire to Vermont...the White Mountains. I thought cool.  I looked it up and it is one of the hardest parts of the trail, but with this challenge will come the best views and the best understanding of my human limits. I am a goal oriented type person. You give me a challenge and a time to beat it in and I will find a way to do it.  If you tell me it can't be done, I will put everything I have into proving you wrong. Sometimes that part of my personality is a pain in the ass, but it often propels me to new levels.

Last Saturday I started training. Rolling hill setting on the treadmill with inclines 3.5%-10%. As the weeks go on I will increase the level, the incline, and the time. This happens three days a week with a 4th cardio session of elliptical or rowing, bicycle, and treadmill at a higher speed. Two days a week are for weight lifting small weights for 20 reps for the first month and then I go to burnouts. There is one day off from this work out regime. Everyday there is yoga. In the future months, I may add Tai Chi and Boxing to be sure to mix up my muscle groups. In the spring, it will be time to hit the trails and start doing weighted backpack.

The trek will be 230 miles with serious elevation gains wearing a 60-70 pound pack. I feel a little crazy taking this on at 44, but I also feel stronger than I ever have in my life. This year is going to be the year I get my shit together. Being an independent woman is where I need to be. I might get buff in the process.

Thanks for reading.
Aleathia

Quills and Frills-9/27/2014 Createspace

Aleathia says:

For years, since I started publishing in the small press in 2006, I absolutely abhorred the idea of self-publishing.  I really thought that if someone else cannot see the quality in your work then it must be pretty terrible.

After being an editor for many years of various small press zines it was easy to back that knowledge up.  Having to read gobs and gobs of poetry that did not move me a millimeter was tough and often left me less likely to want to produce any work myself, let alone self publish.

Enter my friend Josh Olsen's book "Such a Good Boy" which he made on Createspace (an Amazon company).  I have yet to order the book but I know his work always stands up to a certain credibility so I will be ordering it.  I was curious the process for Createspace so I looked it up.  It is pretty simple.  You upload the work and the cover art, you choose how much you want to sell it for and if you want it to be available as an e-book (you get higher royalty) and if you want it available internationally.  They even give you a calculator that will show you exactly in each form how much royalty you will get for each book.  I was pretty impressed.  The best thing is that they will set up space for you in their online stores so all you have to do is drop links.

I have been contemplating putting out several books this way.  In the last three years I could give a hot steamy crap about being published and getting semi-not-really famous.  I gave up on the game so to speak, but I would like to have collected works available to friends and family that want them. The cool thing is that I don't have to promote them if I don't want to or I can try and make a little money. Either way, I'm not out money or any significant amount of time.

I'm pretty sure the first book I will be working on is one called "Reasons for Never Sitting Still" and it will have this cover: