This has been a very busy time of year for me. It seems that my little girl has grown up some and the events of her life have been taking up my time. She recently got her braces removed. I haven't seen her smile in two years and when I saw it I thought I was going to drop out. The orthodontist did a great job, but more importantly, she did a great job. Her teeth were not stained at the end and she made it a full two years without ever breaking a wire or needing a repair. I was definitely impressed.
Chloe also participated in robotics this year. It was the first time she ever came to me and asked, no told me, she was going to join a group. It has been many years of encouraging and pushing for her to be a part of SOMETHING. Her group started out with 4 students and 2 of them backed out leaving her and her partner to complete all the competition tasks themselves...this included building the robot, programming it, teaching it how to move, creating dance moves to music, and then countless time testing and readjusting until it was right. Their hard work paid off and they placed 3rd overall out of all the participating teams which included high school students.
This same week she was inducted into the National Junior Honor Society for her academics, character, and service in the community. It was very hard for me to keep from crying as they called her name. Yes, I am a proud parent, but there are so many times that I have doubted myself and my approach to parenting. I am by no means a Tiger mom. I encourage and I make sure she endures whatever she signs up for, but I don't make her join things she does not enjoy just to satisfy my own needs for her to be "normal" or to "fit in". She even dressed up for the event in a skirt, wore makeup, and allowed me to touch her hair long enough to put it in a bun. These are milestones in their own right.
During all of this, I have been working feverishly on my Relay for Life projects. I have suffered another loss in my family. This time my 42 year old cousin passed away and I got word from my father that my Aunt Lilly's cancer has spread to her bones and she is not looking well. My life has been a closely knit series of deaths over the last 5 years. I wish it were getting easier, but I think the older you get the more your own mortality becomes apparent, especially when the ones dying are your age or younger.
Last month, in the midst of all of these things, I made a decision to change. Since my mother's death I have slowly let myself go. I was depressed, moody, and definitely comforting myself with food. I woke up on day and looked in the mirror and started crying. What had I let myself become? I just kept eating and eating until I didn't care about my anger or my pain. I am smart enough to know that this is no way to deal with my emotions. I was self-medicating. It may not seem dangerous but in this day in age when the looming threat of diabetes hovers over everyone, it is dangerous.
I knew I needed to make a change, but the thought of dieting creates so many problems for me. Having been a survivor of an eating disorder the line between healthy dieting and obsessiveness is very, very thin. The problem with most diets (as with religions) you feel like you are starving and if you have something you like it is considered "cheating" which really makes you feel even worse about yourself. Even the lauded Weight Watchers gives me this feeling. I cannot express how emotionally stressful this is to feel like you are the scum of the earth for having a brownie.
I set out to find something I could work with and in the age of apps I finally found one that works for me. Lose It! makes me responsible to myself. The program is simple. I set a goal for myself. In this case I wanted to lose 1 pound a week to lose a total of 30 pounds. That is not stressful, right? So, I eat food and I record the nutrients. I am honest with myself. I look at the actual portions and then eat a portion. This is not stressful. Over the last month I have reduced the size of my stomach again so when I am hungry, an actual serving size FILLS ME UP.
I have added exercise. I walk or use the Wii to Just Dance or Wii Fit. I try to purposefully move at least 30 minutes a day. But what happens is I like food so when I want to eat something "naughty" I make choices in the day to eat less in other places or exercise more to gain calories back. I have been on a 2150 calorie diet for a month and not once have I starved or felt bad about myself or thought "this is a problem". If anything, I exercise more to feel better and enjoy the foods I love. I eat pizza, pie, cheeseburgers, chips, and drink beer. I do them in moderation which as we all know is the key to just about everything.
Today is my one month check in:
I have lost 12 pounds
I have lost 3.5 inches off my waist
I have lost 2.5 inches off my thighs
I have lost 1.5 inches off my hips (damn hips)
I have done this without starving or feeling completely obsessive. My family does feel like my recording calories is ridiculous and they are tired of it, but for the first time in my life I feel like I'm in real and honest control of my life and the food in it. It has always been a struggle for me, a shame, a dirty secret, a reason to keep people away from me. Layers of fat provide protection both physically and emotionally, but what it also does is kill me with threats of diabetes, heart disease, and back problems.
Thanks for bearing with me in my lack of posts. Life sometimes overturns art. This, I cannot help.
Aleathia
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