2018 in Review

Aleathia says:

Here were the highlights of 2018 in no particular order:

Started making more fabric art and having ideas about it. Became determined that someday I would have my own show.

I tried bullet journaling and failed,but did have some cute take away ideas

Read books:

The Princess Bride by William Goldman
The Shell Collector by Anthony Doerr
Mouthful of Forevers by Clementine Von Radics
Walking by Henry David Thoreau
A Walk in the Woods by Bill Bryson
The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt
Taking the Leap by Pema Chodron
Bird Box by Josh Malerman
Misfit Manifesto by Lydia Yuknavitch
Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown
Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro
The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald
Hiking with Nietzsche by John Kaag
Dust on the Tracks by Nora Zeale Hurston

Tried preparing for a possible Appalachian trail hike in 2019, but failed. I did gain knowledge about hiking and camping and my body’s limits.

Started making my own oatmeal concoctions and continue because it is delish.

Bought myself flowers almost every week of the year

Learned that my child had been trying to kill herself in my home, while I was there, because she felt so alone. Since the age of about 6 she had felt like a boy, always seen herself as a boy, wanted to be a boy. In our home we did not provide gender stereotypical toys and clothes. You play with what interests you and you wear what is comfortable. At most I thought she was a tomboy. Around 4 th grade I could tell something had drastically changed, but I didn’t know what. The sparkle from her eyes had died. I kept watch, but there weren’t any real outward signs of what was wrong. School grades stayed high, continued to eat, participated in family activity...but something was off.  When I fell in love with my ex I became less aware of these differences and I own that as a mother. I should have dug deeper. February of this year I learned that not only had my darling daughter wanted to kill herself, but also wanted to be my darling son. This was a journey so miraculous and so painful and so life changing. The thought that my child would think I wouldn’t accept them because they wanted to be a boy, that it would be to hard for me to think outside the box, that I would spend one minute less loving him. This year has been about learning who he is. It has been learning about who I really am after a life of being what others want me to be. It has been a year of building my home and deciding exactly what sort of friends and family I want in it. For 16 years I had a daughter, and now I get to have a son without going through childbirth. Sweet sassy molassy this is great.

From this journey, I started being friends with my ex-husband again. We have known each other
half our lives….since we were 19 years old and now we are 45. For the last decade after the divorce, we didn’t talk much and only at exchanges of our child. But when we thought we had lost him we decided to be on the same page about everything and that meant keeping communication not only up but making it better between all of us. This is hard work. But from this hard work, we found our friendship again which to me had always been the best part of our relationship. It is funny to see how well we know each other in some places and how little in others. I am thankful for this friendship. He knows my life and I don’t have to explain it to make a point.


I did my first weaving project. I did my first applique/beading project.

We went to many concerts:

Red Hot Chili Pipers
Mountain Jam x3 days (Alt-j, Portugal the man, The Record Company, The Felice Brothers, Jenny Lewis, George Clinton and Parliament…..and so much more)
Weezer/Pixies/Wombats
Lake Street Dive


I started reading comic books again and love it.

I made many new kinds of food.

I had so many fun laughs with my kid.

I finished my first every crocheted blanket for my son’s queen size bed

My love of succulents turned into an obsession. I went from 8 to about 50. I took a class on propagating them. I joined an international group about them. I’m a crazy plant lady.

I embraced my CD collection this year and made it grow. I don’t even know with what. But god I love music.

I really got into MBTI thought. I got back into Tarot after not doing it since college.

I went to a beach in the Delaware Bay for the first time and stayed with friends and ended up losing those friends. Life is weird. I learned that I love the bay side of water rather than the ocean side. There is so much life to see in the bay.

I bought my first ever pair of Vans...light and dark blue checkerboard.

I made a cake for my ex-mother in law for her birthday...a 2 layer. I had not made one of those in a decade.

I started playing Disc Golf and got addicted. I didn’t play in the winter as planned, but I still love it.

I began writing a short story collection. I wrote two poetry collections. I thought about my novel for a minute.

I left a job I had for 15 years. I changed hospitals and shifts suddenly and it was the best decision I have made for a career. The work is challenging and rewarding and for the first time ever in my life I feel like I’m touching my patients lives in a positive way.

I painted a bunch of river rocks and left them on Market street to make people smile

Eventually figured out at the end of the year that drinking isn’t really my thing. I still have a drink now and then, but it is out of desire not out of escape or loneliness.

I played on a Music Trivia team and we won!

I collected aphorisms for my daily boosting. These were things that lifted me up and near the end of the year I knew I didn’t need them because I was lifting myself up without them.

I started making scarves for the needy and blankets for end of life comfort. These are part of my service goals at work, but also part of my heart. I am learning that this part of my life is about giving, about making smiles and getting nothing back but the feeling of joy.

I tried doing Inktober again and didn’t make it. I like drawing but not as much as I used to. I did do some fun drawings but realize that is not where my talent lies.

I hand made a Blue’s Clues costume with my son this year in 3 weeks. It was rad.

I got new glasses….horn rimmed glasses. I look dashing.

I ordered Lunarly box for fun. It’s nice to get surprises in the mail.

I learned my uncle Mike will probably die within the year from a glio. So damn sad.

I started making the coffee shop my haunt rather than the bars and I have met so many people. I feel more part of the community than before.

I got to experience the joy of my friend having her first baby after many years of trying. He’s so damn cute. I love his little face.

I went on my first ever wine tour with people from my new job. I played paintball for the first time ever in my life.

I put my christmas tree on the porch this year so it is the first and last thing we see when we come and go from the house.

We saw The Sound of Music live. Squeeee

I bought a ukelele and started playing….and then stopped.

I helped my son get his first ever job. Yay.

We did a reduced Christmas this year and it was the best one we ever had.

I got my hair dyed for the first time in 20 years by my best girlfriend’s daughter.

I have been purging the house of all things not of value. It is still going on but this house will be whole soon enough.

I started getting acupuncture again with great result.

I got my first every bonus from a job $850 take home.

I wrote my first every proposal to get a conference paid for to a Transgender wellness conference in Philadelphia.

I'm looking forward to bigger and better things this year. As always I do have good intentions of keeping up with this blog. I'm going to shoot for once a month since live is so much busier than it ever was. So here I am sliding in on the end of January. Have a blessed life. Keep your eyes open and your heart bright.

Thanks for reading.
Aleathia

Celebrating in Non Traditional Ways

Aleathia says:

This year, as a family, we decided to not celebrate the over-commercialized holiday of Christmas. I have been a Buddhist since 1997 and technically it isn't a holiday I need to observe but I have for the last 14 years with my daughter because that was the normal thing to do. She stopped believing in Santa a few years ago and the magic was gone for me. There was no surprise on Christmas morning, no sparkle of elation and wonder. It was just a lot of money wrapped in pretty paper. Chloe doesn't go to church, Michael doesn't go to church. Everyone in our house is free to choose what and who they want to believe in and if no one believes in Santa, then we are celebrating a religious holiday that none of us are party to. Religion was not the driving force behind our lack of celebrating Christmas this year, it was charity.

We have come to a place in our lives where we are comfortable. We have all the things that we want...more than we need. If we need something, we buy it through the year. In our house we use dinner time as a place to have in depth conversations about the world, where we see ourselves in it, where we want to be, our hopes and fears and dreams, and the kind of people we aspire to be. Michael and I both grew up poor. We hardly ever had new things and if we did they were cherished. Chloe has never been poor, but she is the most thoughtful and frugal teenager I have ever met. She worries about the burden of cost of things bought for her and is over-appreciative when something nice is done for her. This is they kind of child I have raised. I feel like I have done a good job.

Around Thanksgiving we decided this year we would buy a family gift for us to share. We got a second Xbox so we could play games together since that is the way games are designed today. We got another headset so we could talk and a few games. It was a several thousand dollar reduction from the year before. Michael and I got newer cars...reliable transportation. Chloe is going to Hawaii with school in the spring. We decided that this was Christmas enough for all of us. But we also decided that we needed to start thinking about how we could give back to the community and the world.

Chloe and I walked the Selfless Elf this year together. Our registration fees together went towards feeding 180 people in our community. Think about that. We walked 3 miles and fed nearly 200 people. That was a really nice feeling when we crossed the finish line together. We are going to walk this race every year together when we can.

The other charitable venture we are on is using all the crafts I make to sell for donations to the charities we have chosen this year. We are calling the venture Nothing Wasted and you can visit this page often to find out all the goodies I am making. So far this year we have raised $140 from the sales. We are also using all the money from our bottle returns at home and work to add to this fund and we have raised over $25 so far. All of this in one month.

I will say this Christmas season weighed heavy on me as I looked at all the beautiful photos of Christmas trees and family gatherings. I felt a bit of sadness and jealousy, but I didn't let it consume me.  My life has been non-traditional since I left home so many years ago. We build a new life everyday and though others have thought our new holiday tradition is strange, it feels good to all of us to know we are making a difference and opening our hearts.

Visit our charity page if you like. I hope to have some new items up in January. I sold the December items as fast as I made them so I didn't post anything. Thank you for reading and we hope your holidays have been filled with love and family.

Aleathia

Clarity

Aleathia says:

This has been a very interesting time in my life. I am back to school working towards my Master's Degree in Nursing and I applied for the Supervisor position at work. I bought a new car and my once un-involved teenager is now active with after school programs.

All of this has come on the back of my friend and manager leaving our unit, the loss of family and friends, and an intermittently failing thyroid. There is a lot going on to say the least.

The thyroid problem has thrown a monkey wrench in to most of the happenings in my day. It makes me exhausted and lends a lack of ambition to life that can be upsetting. In this whirlwind of things going on, I decided that I was "bored" of my current tenure in the ER of 10 years and that I needed a change. So I applied for college in hopes of moving up the ladder starting with the Assistant Director of Nursing position. It all seemed well and good. I was excited about it.  And then, I wasn't.

I have been fortunate enough to have been afforded my job as a nurse straight out of school due to an internship and scholarship program, so effectively, I never had to fill out a resume or apply or interview for a job. I was expected to work my scholarship off as an employee. When I moved to the ER, I put my union bid in and down I went.  Again, no resume, no interview. In the last few weeks I found myself making a resume (stressful) and studying for an interview, yes, studying (even more stressful) while trying to be a mom, a girlfriend, a good employee, and a student.

Last week at the awards dinner for the hospital, I realized something.  I realized that I was right where I wanted to be sitting across the table from people who have been my family and my team for over 10 years. I didn't want to be at the leadership table. I wanted to be laughing and cracking inappropriate jokes and having a great time. I don't doubt that I would make a good supervisor. I know I can do it, but I had not stopped to ask myself if that was what I really wanted.

One of the supervisors on the evening shift was coaching me about the interview (before I had changed my mind) and she said they would ask where I saw myself in 5 years? I cannot lie.  I don't want to climb the big nursing ladder in the sky and sit in meetings and be a fake version of myself because I was leadership. I want to be me. It has taken me a long time to find out who that is and frankly, I am still learning. When I get my Master's I am thinking that maybe I would like to teach and help new nurses bridge the scary gap between theory and practice and to help them develop the confidence to recognize their abilities to thinking critically and make a difference in the world.  In the end, I want to make a difference. I want my legacy to be something more fulfilling than being good at organization and time management. I want to be remembered as someone who touched another's life and helped them find direction.

These changes were not fly by night. I have been thinking and stressing and thinking more about them for weeks. I have been meditating on it. I have been doing yoga and calming down enough to see beyond the fleeting joy of praise and the initial excitement of a new position that wears off as fast as scratching a losing lottery ticket. At this time in my life, after all the losses I have had, there is still much personal healing to be done. I want to get my education without having another added stress to the pile. I want to have more flexibility for my family and for myself.

Today, I called Human Resources and removed my bid for the job. I can't tell you how light and fantastic a feeling it was. I am blessed to have had these moments of clarity and be able to be brave enough to know when to make the right decisions for myself and not decisions other people want me to make. I love my night nurses and my team. They truly are a second family and they make me a better person every day. I'm just not ready to quit them yet.

Aleathia

6/4/2015 Proud Mama Moments and Taking Charge of My Life

Aleathia says:

This has been a very busy time of year for me.  It seems that my little girl has grown up some and the events of her life have been taking up my time.  She recently got her braces removed.  I haven't seen her smile in two years and when I saw it I thought I was going to drop out.  The orthodontist did a great job, but more importantly, she did a great job.  Her teeth were not stained at the end and she made it a full two years without ever breaking a wire or needing a repair.  I was definitely impressed.

Chloe also participated in robotics this year.  It was the first time she ever came to me and asked, no told me, she was going to join a group.  It has been many years of encouraging and pushing for her to be a part of SOMETHING.  Her group started out with 4 students and 2 of them backed out leaving her and her partner to complete all the competition tasks themselves...this included building the robot, programming it, teaching it how to move, creating dance moves to music, and then countless time testing and readjusting until it was right.  Their hard work paid off and they placed 3rd overall out of all the participating teams which included high school students.

This same week she was inducted into the National Junior Honor Society for her academics, character, and service in the community.  It was very hard for me to keep from crying as they called her name.  Yes, I am a proud parent, but there are so many times that I have doubted myself and my approach to parenting.  I am by no means a Tiger mom.  I encourage and I make sure she endures whatever she signs up for, but I don't make her join things she does not enjoy just to satisfy my own needs for her to be "normal" or to "fit in".  She even dressed up for the event in a skirt, wore makeup, and allowed me to touch her hair long enough to put it in a bun.  These are milestones in their own right.

During all of this, I have been working feverishly on my Relay for Life projects.  I have suffered another loss in my family.  This time my 42 year old cousin passed away and I got word from my father that my Aunt Lilly's cancer has spread to her bones and she is not looking well.  My life has been a closely knit series of deaths over the last 5 years.  I wish it were getting easier, but I think the older you get the more your own mortality becomes apparent, especially when the ones dying are your age or younger.

Last month, in the midst of all of these things, I made a decision to change.  Since my mother's death I have slowly let myself go.  I was depressed, moody, and definitely comforting myself with food.  I woke up on day and looked in the mirror and started crying.  What had I let myself become?  I just kept eating and eating until I didn't care about my anger or my pain.  I am smart enough to know that this is no way to deal with my emotions.  I was self-medicating.  It may not seem dangerous but in this day in age when the looming threat of diabetes hovers over everyone, it is dangerous.

I knew I needed to make a change, but the thought of dieting creates so many problems for me.  Having been a survivor of an eating disorder the line between healthy dieting and obsessiveness is very, very thin.  The problem with most diets (as with religions) you feel like you are starving and if you have something you like it is considered "cheating" which really makes you feel even worse about yourself.  Even the lauded Weight Watchers gives me this feeling.  I cannot express how emotionally stressful this is to feel like you are the scum of the earth for having a brownie.

I set out to find something I could work with and in the age of apps I finally found one that works for me. Lose It! makes me  responsible to myself.  The program is simple. I set a goal for myself.  In this case I wanted to lose 1 pound a week to lose a total of 30 pounds.  That is not stressful, right? So, I eat food and I record the nutrients.  I am honest with myself.  I look at the actual portions and then eat a portion.  This is not stressful.  Over the last month I have reduced the size of my stomach again so when I am hungry, an actual serving size FILLS ME UP.

I have added exercise.  I walk or use the Wii to Just Dance or Wii Fit.  I try to purposefully move at least 30 minutes a day.  But what happens is I like food so when I want to eat something "naughty" I make choices in the day to eat less in other places or exercise more to gain calories back.  I have been on a 2150 calorie diet for a month and not once have I starved or felt bad about myself or thought "this is a problem".  If anything, I exercise more to feel better and enjoy the foods I love.  I eat pizza, pie, cheeseburgers, chips, and drink beer.  I do them in moderation which as we all know is the key to just about everything.

Today is my one month check in:

I have lost 12 pounds

I have lost 3.5 inches off my waist

I have lost 2.5 inches off my thighs

I have lost 1.5 inches off my hips (damn hips)

I have done this without starving or feeling completely obsessive.  My family does feel like my recording calories is ridiculous and they are tired of it, but for the first time in my life I feel like I'm in real and honest control of my life and the food in it.  It has always been a struggle for me, a shame, a dirty secret, a reason to keep people away from me.  Layers of fat provide protection both physically and emotionally, but what it also does is kill me with threats of diabetes, heart disease, and back problems.

Thanks for bearing with me in my lack of posts.  Life sometimes overturns art.  This, I cannot help.

Aleathia