Light at the End of the Tunnel

Aleathia says:

It's been 5 months since I posted to this blog and that seems to be the fate of blogs in general, doesn't it? Daily maintenance is difficult and ambitious for even the most fastidious person. So much has happened in my life in this time both good and bad.

This post is a little recap and then I am moving forward. In the past I would have shut this blog down and started a new one to signify big changes or a "new" life, but I see no need to burn the bridge. My hope for this blog is that someday all the folks that wanted to be a part of it will somehow find time to contribute or that new folks will inquire to do participate. Though we all experience this journey of life in different contexts and pull from it different meaning, we can't deny that we are on the journey together.

The recap:

April sucked.  Seriously sucked. I lost my grandmother suddenly, though she was 84, but previously in decent health. My boyfriend/best friend cheated on my just shy of our 6 year anniversary and the week he moved out, I had to put my dog down. My kid was diagnosed with Lupus. Did I mention April sucked?

I'm not going to draw out the details of this embittered break up because in the end it was the best thing that could have happened to us. It was painful and I worked very hard to not fall into a deep and encompassing depression that I had already spent 3 long years in. This betrayal came on the same day that I felt like I "woke up" from the long, aforementioned depression. I realized that I had been isolating myself from everyone after my mother's death. I had tried counseling and the woman I saw checked her watch the entire session and then asked "do you think you need to see me again?" She never probed for more information or gave me any suggestions and I fear this is because I am smart and articulate and therefore it is assumed that I will just figure it out. If anyone knows me well, they know it is very difficult for me to reach out and ask for help. This woman was a disgrace to therapy.

I have to give props to my friends who held me together in so many ways. To Vicki, Annette, and Stephanie for being my village when I never thought I was part of one; when I never thought I could love a group of women as much as I love them. They made sure I didn't fall down the dark well, they let me cry, they let me propose poor decisions, they fed me, they made me get out of the house and smell fresh air.  Most of all, they stood like pillars as I cycled through poor choices (hold my beer emotional moments) knowing that in the end I would arrive at the right decision. You ladies are the rock I anchor my boat to. I love you.

To Brian and Michelle who I should pay large sums of money because they were my therapists for the last few months giving me the male and female perspectives on life and keeping me to my moral convictions. They were there for me at any moment of the day and their love and advice has been key to my mental, emotional, and physical survival. I owe them a sincere debt of gratitude and lots of hugs. I have a real therapist now so they are off the hook.

The fallout of my life has shown me some wonderful things. I realized that I had not really started living in my house since my mother died a month after I bought it. It was filled with stuff, but it wasn't lived in like I cared to be here. The transformation has begun...art is going up, curtains being made, and the stamp of my personality starting to shine through. I learned that I love living alone and that I am more than capable of doing it. I have been given a new opportunity to rediscover my art, Buddhism, yoga, cooking, and travel. It isn't to say that my relationship kept me from these things, but I have found that when I am in a relationship I give up all the best parts of me...probably the parts they fall in love with and eventually it all goes sideways. I am not getting in another relationship until I understand why I do this to myself over and over again. I have done it for 26 years. There is a lesson I'm not learning.

I want to thank my darling daughter Chloe for suffering the task of watching me pace the house in anxiety and crying my face off in depression. Your shoulder was always there and I hated to use it because this burden wasn't yours to carry, but your love has given me strength to move along this road to find solutions and better times.

Ok, enough of this mushy shit.  We all have better things to do with our life, right?  On the forefront will be art and book reviews (I'm reading again), spiritual discovery, and any manner of creativity I can get my hands into. If you are reading this, thanks for sticking with my inconsistent and wholly depressing life for the last 3 years. You all get a merit badge, a hug, and a kiss.

Aleathia

Clarity

Aleathia says:

This has been a very interesting time in my life. I am back to school working towards my Master's Degree in Nursing and I applied for the Supervisor position at work. I bought a new car and my once un-involved teenager is now active with after school programs.

All of this has come on the back of my friend and manager leaving our unit, the loss of family and friends, and an intermittently failing thyroid. There is a lot going on to say the least.

The thyroid problem has thrown a monkey wrench in to most of the happenings in my day. It makes me exhausted and lends a lack of ambition to life that can be upsetting. In this whirlwind of things going on, I decided that I was "bored" of my current tenure in the ER of 10 years and that I needed a change. So I applied for college in hopes of moving up the ladder starting with the Assistant Director of Nursing position. It all seemed well and good. I was excited about it.  And then, I wasn't.

I have been fortunate enough to have been afforded my job as a nurse straight out of school due to an internship and scholarship program, so effectively, I never had to fill out a resume or apply or interview for a job. I was expected to work my scholarship off as an employee. When I moved to the ER, I put my union bid in and down I went.  Again, no resume, no interview. In the last few weeks I found myself making a resume (stressful) and studying for an interview, yes, studying (even more stressful) while trying to be a mom, a girlfriend, a good employee, and a student.

Last week at the awards dinner for the hospital, I realized something.  I realized that I was right where I wanted to be sitting across the table from people who have been my family and my team for over 10 years. I didn't want to be at the leadership table. I wanted to be laughing and cracking inappropriate jokes and having a great time. I don't doubt that I would make a good supervisor. I know I can do it, but I had not stopped to ask myself if that was what I really wanted.

One of the supervisors on the evening shift was coaching me about the interview (before I had changed my mind) and she said they would ask where I saw myself in 5 years? I cannot lie.  I don't want to climb the big nursing ladder in the sky and sit in meetings and be a fake version of myself because I was leadership. I want to be me. It has taken me a long time to find out who that is and frankly, I am still learning. When I get my Master's I am thinking that maybe I would like to teach and help new nurses bridge the scary gap between theory and practice and to help them develop the confidence to recognize their abilities to thinking critically and make a difference in the world.  In the end, I want to make a difference. I want my legacy to be something more fulfilling than being good at organization and time management. I want to be remembered as someone who touched another's life and helped them find direction.

These changes were not fly by night. I have been thinking and stressing and thinking more about them for weeks. I have been meditating on it. I have been doing yoga and calming down enough to see beyond the fleeting joy of praise and the initial excitement of a new position that wears off as fast as scratching a losing lottery ticket. At this time in my life, after all the losses I have had, there is still much personal healing to be done. I want to get my education without having another added stress to the pile. I want to have more flexibility for my family and for myself.

Today, I called Human Resources and removed my bid for the job. I can't tell you how light and fantastic a feeling it was. I am blessed to have had these moments of clarity and be able to be brave enough to know when to make the right decisions for myself and not decisions other people want me to make. I love my night nurses and my team. They truly are a second family and they make me a better person every day. I'm just not ready to quit them yet.

Aleathia