The Greedy Hands of Addiction, RIP Ted Cicci

Aleathia:

Addiction is a cruel habit. It is a millstone around an individuals neck and around the necks of everyone who cares for that person. Inside, the addicted person knows right from wrong. There are choices they wish to make, but are unable. Sometimes the places we escape to are more powerful than reality and this is a certain truth.

Sadly this week I lost my Uncle Ted to a drug overdose. He was nearly 70 and it gripped him for most of his life. It kept him from his family, from experiencing the world he loved so much, from a first person point of view. My heart goes out to what little family I have left. We have all suffered so much loss, anger, and grief.

But today, I want to share my memories of Ted as he was intelligent, funny, creative, and such a bright light. We all go through life a bit lost hoping to be found. We are not all so lucky.

Ted was my step-father's oldest brother. He was a clown. One of the funniest people I have ever met. I became included into this large Italian family at the age of 6 and spent a good amount of my youth at family gatherings and playing with cousins. I was the oldest and watching my young cousins often fell on me. Ted's children, Josh and Jerica, are two of my favorite beings. Josh funny and talented, Jerica sweet and loving. In our days in the desert, we were all inseparable. My brother was about 1-2 years old then and they all followed me around like ducklings. I loved them all as if they were my own children.

In those days, we were lonely children as all of our parents were addicted to something. We had each other. We had collective pain and joy. We had each other. I cannot speak of Ted without thinking of these two great humans. In all their trials and tribulations with Ted, they have managed to lead productive lives. They are survivors. They are champions.

Ted was incarcerated several times for his addiction. I remember the first time he was released, he came home to Upstate NY. Much of the family was here and it was our hope to look after him as he re-entered the world. I remember at 15 years old, instead of hanging out with my friends, I would go to AA meetings with him because no one else would. I wanted him to be successful. I had missed how he treated me like I had my own opinions in the world, opinions that mattered. But one drink leads to another and as the barrier of caring got lower, drugs got closer. He stayed awhile longer in NY before moving out with other family in Arizona. Here, he was incarcerated for the same thing as before.

Over the years of his last incarceration we became good friends. I wrote him letters, he wrote me back. We talked of politics and literature and poetry. I sent him books by James Baldwin. We talked about family. I shared my life with him. In my days of publishing in the small press, I even published an article by him. I would send him books. He read every issue of Durable Goods and passed them along in prison. We had a nice friendship.

In 2009, my daughter and I went to Arizona to visit Josh and Jerica and other family. While we were there, I made arrangements to visit Ted in prison. I brought my 8 year old there with me. I got a lot of flack from family and friends for exposing her to such a place, but despite those people's crimes, do you think they don't want to be loved? I brought her there for many reasons. I wanted her to see what crime gets you both physically and emotionally. I wanted her to see that despite Ted's crime, he was a warm and loving man with so much to say. I remember on the shuttle bus from the entrance to the visiting area, as we left the bus, my child looked at the driver (an inmate) and said "thank you sir and have a nice day". The driver's eyes got misty. When was the last time someone recognized him as a man, as a human being? These things would tell me much of her character later in life.

As I write this, it dawns on me that the time my daughter met Ted in prison was the only time she ever saw him in her life. She remembers that visit with fondness and any time after if I spoke of him, her face would light up. They had a small time together and he talked to her like he had always talked to me. This was important to a small girl as it is to everyone. We all want to be seen.

After Ted's current release, he got his own place for the first time in 18 years. He had started to build his relationships back with his children and grandchild. He was learning the world of Facebook and reconnecting with long lost school mates and friends. Before his death, he had a new job working with plants which he loved and things seemed to be moving forward. But addiction is hard. You are never really cured of it whether you are addicted to drugs, alcohol, food, sex, or doing something the same way every time. It takes a tremendous strength to win. You have to want it more than anything.

My heart goes out to Josh and Jerica and their family. I know this loss. It is painful. Love each other fully everyday. The cliche that is time is fleeting isn't untrue. Ask yourself what really matters to you. Do the things you always dreamed of before it's too late.

If you know someone with addiction let them know there is someone always ready to listen:

Addiction and Alcohol Hotline 1-844-244-3171

Thanks for reading.

Aleathia

Clarity

Aleathia says:

This has been a very interesting time in my life. I am back to school working towards my Master's Degree in Nursing and I applied for the Supervisor position at work. I bought a new car and my once un-involved teenager is now active with after school programs.

All of this has come on the back of my friend and manager leaving our unit, the loss of family and friends, and an intermittently failing thyroid. There is a lot going on to say the least.

The thyroid problem has thrown a monkey wrench in to most of the happenings in my day. It makes me exhausted and lends a lack of ambition to life that can be upsetting. In this whirlwind of things going on, I decided that I was "bored" of my current tenure in the ER of 10 years and that I needed a change. So I applied for college in hopes of moving up the ladder starting with the Assistant Director of Nursing position. It all seemed well and good. I was excited about it.  And then, I wasn't.

I have been fortunate enough to have been afforded my job as a nurse straight out of school due to an internship and scholarship program, so effectively, I never had to fill out a resume or apply or interview for a job. I was expected to work my scholarship off as an employee. When I moved to the ER, I put my union bid in and down I went.  Again, no resume, no interview. In the last few weeks I found myself making a resume (stressful) and studying for an interview, yes, studying (even more stressful) while trying to be a mom, a girlfriend, a good employee, and a student.

Last week at the awards dinner for the hospital, I realized something.  I realized that I was right where I wanted to be sitting across the table from people who have been my family and my team for over 10 years. I didn't want to be at the leadership table. I wanted to be laughing and cracking inappropriate jokes and having a great time. I don't doubt that I would make a good supervisor. I know I can do it, but I had not stopped to ask myself if that was what I really wanted.

One of the supervisors on the evening shift was coaching me about the interview (before I had changed my mind) and she said they would ask where I saw myself in 5 years? I cannot lie.  I don't want to climb the big nursing ladder in the sky and sit in meetings and be a fake version of myself because I was leadership. I want to be me. It has taken me a long time to find out who that is and frankly, I am still learning. When I get my Master's I am thinking that maybe I would like to teach and help new nurses bridge the scary gap between theory and practice and to help them develop the confidence to recognize their abilities to thinking critically and make a difference in the world.  In the end, I want to make a difference. I want my legacy to be something more fulfilling than being good at organization and time management. I want to be remembered as someone who touched another's life and helped them find direction.

These changes were not fly by night. I have been thinking and stressing and thinking more about them for weeks. I have been meditating on it. I have been doing yoga and calming down enough to see beyond the fleeting joy of praise and the initial excitement of a new position that wears off as fast as scratching a losing lottery ticket. At this time in my life, after all the losses I have had, there is still much personal healing to be done. I want to get my education without having another added stress to the pile. I want to have more flexibility for my family and for myself.

Today, I called Human Resources and removed my bid for the job. I can't tell you how light and fantastic a feeling it was. I am blessed to have had these moments of clarity and be able to be brave enough to know when to make the right decisions for myself and not decisions other people want me to make. I love my night nurses and my team. They truly are a second family and they make me a better person every day. I'm just not ready to quit them yet.

Aleathia

Catch Me If You Can, I'm the Gingerbread Man

Aleathia says:

My first ever 5k race is quickly approaching.  This summer I started out with a couch to 5k program because for my whole life, even as a kid, I did not like running.  Why bother to run you ask?  This is a great question.

I had to think about it for a long time.  Why after a lifetime of not running do I want to start running at age 42?  I think there were a lot of subversive reasons for starting.  So many of my co-workers run and go off to events with each other.  They have this whole other life that I was not included in because I didn't run.  Most of the time I am not a joiner.  I have been a go at my own pace, loner type person for a long time.  Deep down like every other human in the world, I desire to belong to something.  I want acceptance.  I want to fit in.  Also as I age I am beginning to find that I am facing potential health problems that if not taken care of now, will render me pretty poor in the future.

I have rheumatoid arthritis, a thyroid problem, an ovarian problem, and a weight problem.  This combination creates pain of all kinds, blood pressure problems, and systemic stresses.  I hate taking medication and with all of these problems the medicines have started to find their way into my life and my body.  Frankly, it gives me the creeps.  I know, I work in the healthcare field, and maybe this is why it bothers me so much.  I see people younger than me who have just let life go and are on 20 medications.  It isn't the life I want to set before me.

I also wanted to prove something to myself.  For years I have told myself that I CAN'T run.  I'm too old or too fat or too arthritic.  This is not the attitude I was raised to have.  This is not the attitude I want to raise my daughter with.....if it's too hard, just give up.  This is not an option.

When I started running I was afraid of many things.  I was afraid I would have a stroke.  I was afraid of pain.  I was afraid people would judge me.  I was afraid to be secretly made fun of.  I was afraid of giving up under the pressure of it all.  But something amazing happened.

My running family at work is just that....a family.  Never once did they look at me funny when I started running.  Every one of them was there to encourage me to keep going, to keep trying.  I have lacked this sort of faithful encouragement my whole life.  If you look at me, I am not a runner, but never did the seasoned runners at work say a bad word.  If anything, they gave me hope.

Runners are a different breed of human.  They have to love and hate themselves at the same time because running hurts.  You use muscles you never knew you had.  The pain is sometimes so unbearable yet I find myself saying "one more block" or "five more minutes" because that is what Michelle would do or Stephanie would do or Karen would do.  They have been my champions. They have helped me fall in love with something that is teaching me about my own body, about my strengths and weaknesses, about my mental health, and how to be together with a history of people while still being very alone.

When I run, no matter where I run, people say things like "keep it up" or "great job".  It makes me want to push harder and achieve more.  It gives me a strength of spirit that I never expected.  Every run is a learning experience.  Every run I find my groove, sort of like Stella, but in a different way.

The Selfless Elf 5K is to benefit the Food Bank of the Southern Tier and as of today it has over 800 runners signed up.  We will be running to feed the people of our community and I can't think of a better thing to run for.  If you run or walk, you can still sign up to participate.

OM-8/31/2014 High Expectations, Failed Perspective

Aleathia says:

I realized this morning after a long, hard night at work that I can only do as much as I can do.  I place a lot of expectations on myself to be the best that I can be.  This leaves me with a severe character sometimes and basically makes me "unfun".  I think I put these expectations on my 12 year old and in some way it doesn't allow her to be a kid when she needs to most.

The tween years of childhood have been difficult for me.  She is distant and then close.  I am important but not important.  I am confused.  There is no straight lines to draw, no dots to connect and this is hard on a person with expectations of herself.  Sometimes I will just have to let go and leave it to the hands of fate and keep a watchful eye knowing I may not be able to control the situation.

In the end most everything works itself out.  I have to believe this.  I have to remember this or I will live out my days in anxiety and a self-imposed misery that does not need to be there.  Basically, shit happens.  I have to learn to step over it.