The Greedy Hands of Addiction, RIP Ted Cicci

Aleathia:

Addiction is a cruel habit. It is a millstone around an individuals neck and around the necks of everyone who cares for that person. Inside, the addicted person knows right from wrong. There are choices they wish to make, but are unable. Sometimes the places we escape to are more powerful than reality and this is a certain truth.

Sadly this week I lost my Uncle Ted to a drug overdose. He was nearly 70 and it gripped him for most of his life. It kept him from his family, from experiencing the world he loved so much, from a first person point of view. My heart goes out to what little family I have left. We have all suffered so much loss, anger, and grief.

But today, I want to share my memories of Ted as he was intelligent, funny, creative, and such a bright light. We all go through life a bit lost hoping to be found. We are not all so lucky.

Ted was my step-father's oldest brother. He was a clown. One of the funniest people I have ever met. I became included into this large Italian family at the age of 6 and spent a good amount of my youth at family gatherings and playing with cousins. I was the oldest and watching my young cousins often fell on me. Ted's children, Josh and Jerica, are two of my favorite beings. Josh funny and talented, Jerica sweet and loving. In our days in the desert, we were all inseparable. My brother was about 1-2 years old then and they all followed me around like ducklings. I loved them all as if they were my own children.

In those days, we were lonely children as all of our parents were addicted to something. We had each other. We had collective pain and joy. We had each other. I cannot speak of Ted without thinking of these two great humans. In all their trials and tribulations with Ted, they have managed to lead productive lives. They are survivors. They are champions.

Ted was incarcerated several times for his addiction. I remember the first time he was released, he came home to Upstate NY. Much of the family was here and it was our hope to look after him as he re-entered the world. I remember at 15 years old, instead of hanging out with my friends, I would go to AA meetings with him because no one else would. I wanted him to be successful. I had missed how he treated me like I had my own opinions in the world, opinions that mattered. But one drink leads to another and as the barrier of caring got lower, drugs got closer. He stayed awhile longer in NY before moving out with other family in Arizona. Here, he was incarcerated for the same thing as before.

Over the years of his last incarceration we became good friends. I wrote him letters, he wrote me back. We talked of politics and literature and poetry. I sent him books by James Baldwin. We talked about family. I shared my life with him. In my days of publishing in the small press, I even published an article by him. I would send him books. He read every issue of Durable Goods and passed them along in prison. We had a nice friendship.

In 2009, my daughter and I went to Arizona to visit Josh and Jerica and other family. While we were there, I made arrangements to visit Ted in prison. I brought my 8 year old there with me. I got a lot of flack from family and friends for exposing her to such a place, but despite those people's crimes, do you think they don't want to be loved? I brought her there for many reasons. I wanted her to see what crime gets you both physically and emotionally. I wanted her to see that despite Ted's crime, he was a warm and loving man with so much to say. I remember on the shuttle bus from the entrance to the visiting area, as we left the bus, my child looked at the driver (an inmate) and said "thank you sir and have a nice day". The driver's eyes got misty. When was the last time someone recognized him as a man, as a human being? These things would tell me much of her character later in life.

As I write this, it dawns on me that the time my daughter met Ted in prison was the only time she ever saw him in her life. She remembers that visit with fondness and any time after if I spoke of him, her face would light up. They had a small time together and he talked to her like he had always talked to me. This was important to a small girl as it is to everyone. We all want to be seen.

After Ted's current release, he got his own place for the first time in 18 years. He had started to build his relationships back with his children and grandchild. He was learning the world of Facebook and reconnecting with long lost school mates and friends. Before his death, he had a new job working with plants which he loved and things seemed to be moving forward. But addiction is hard. You are never really cured of it whether you are addicted to drugs, alcohol, food, sex, or doing something the same way every time. It takes a tremendous strength to win. You have to want it more than anything.

My heart goes out to Josh and Jerica and their family. I know this loss. It is painful. Love each other fully everyday. The cliche that is time is fleeting isn't untrue. Ask yourself what really matters to you. Do the things you always dreamed of before it's too late.

If you know someone with addiction let them know there is someone always ready to listen:

Addiction and Alcohol Hotline 1-844-244-3171

Thanks for reading.

Aleathia

OM-1/25/2015 Time Does Not Heal All Wounds

Aleathia says:

 I wasn't going to blog today because I didn't feel like I had anything to share but the cloud of sadness that has been hovering over me for the last week.  The anniversary of my mother's death is in a few days.  I have been trying to hold strong and not be a blubbering baby, but I must admit that at night, when I am alone, I sit here and cry silently.  I have unanswered questions that will never find relief.  I have a string of regrets sewn together with the tendrils of  the ephemeral why.  There was so much more we had to say to each other now that I had found love and happiness; now that I knew, in essence, who I really was supposed to be.  That was taken away from me.  Some days are better than others.  I'm a sentimental git so the weepy, heartbreaking days are hard to let go of.

Through all of this Michael quietly waits for me to be ok.  Sometimes he hugs me while I'm crying and washing the dishes.  He doesn't have to say anything, because I know what he will say.  I know he understands this pain as we have both lost our mothers at a young age.  Men deal with things differently.  He got angry and drank.  I have been sullen and distant.  Neither of them cure what ails us.  Time doesn't heal the wounds, I have found, but I think somewhere it gives you perspective.  He is almost 4 years out from losing his mom and he only made the turn around last year.  I know there is hope for me yet.  Stay busy.  Don't bury it.  But most of all, keep loving.

I was reading "All The King's Men" this morning and there is a passage I would like to share.  In a round about way it was why I turned the computer on today.  It was a passage about how love changes a person.  After reading it I knew that I had to share it because without love, without how Michael makes me feel about the world, I would not be able to stand up in the face of everything that happens in a day.  I am strong, but he makes me stronger.  For that, I am forever grateful.

"So maybe she was up in the room trying to discover what her new self was, for when you get in love you are made all over again. The person who loves you has picked you out of the great masses of uncreated clay which is humanity to make something out of, and the poor lumpish clay which is you wants to find out what it has been made into.  But at the same time, you, in the act of loving somebody, become real, cease to be a part of the continuum of the uncreated clay and get the breath of life in you and rise up.So you create yourself by creating another person, who, however, has also created you, picked up the you-chunk of clay out of the mass.  So there are two you's, the one you yourself create by loving and the one the beloved creates by loving you. The farther those two you's are apart the more the world grinds and grudges on its axis.  But if you loved and were loved perfectly then there wouldn't be any difference between the two you's or any distance between them. They would coincide perfectly, there would be a perfect focus, as when a stereoscope gets the twin images on the card into perfect alignment."  --Robert Penn Warren

Thank you Michael for finding me; for allowing the life I always dreamed I would have.  You are a fine man and an incredible human being.  I love you.

OM-6/29/2014 The Importance of Pain

Aleathia says:

The Importance of Pain

"Before we can know what natural warmth really is, often we must experience loss.  We go along for years moving through our days, propelled by habit, taking life pretty much for granted.  Then we or someone dear to us has an accident or gets seriously ill, and it's as if blinders have been removed from our eyes.  We see the meaninglessness of so much of what we do and the emptiness of so much we cling to.

When my mother died and I was asked to go through her personal belongings, this awareness hit me hard.  She had kept boxes of papers and trinkets that she treasured, things that she held on to through her many moves to smaller and smaller accommodations.  They had represented security and comfort for her, and she had been unable to let them go.  Now they were just boxes of stuff, things that held no meaning and represented no comfort or security to anyone.  For me these were just empty objects, yet she had clung to them.  Seeing this made me sad, and also thoughtful.  After that I could never look at my own treasured objects in the same way.  I had seen that things themselves are just what they are, neither precious nor worthless, and that all the labels, all our views and opinions about them, are arbitrary."

Pema Chodron, Taking the Leap

This passage was especially helpful to me when my own mother passed and I faced looking through her things.  Many of the items sent to me were of no meaning to me, not like they were to my mother, but I could sense she loved them.  Loss is the great equalizer.  It sets the balance in the world and it wakes you up. There are still moments that catch me off guard for no apparent reason and I am put to tears.  Life is precious. Be thankful every day for the world around you.

We Meet at the Forked Road

Welcome to The Forked Road.  This is going to be a journey that neither of us really know where it will end up, but are sharing it in hopes that it will not only bring us closer together as friends and women, but maybe help inspire people to be creative in whatever capacity they have and to share lessons in life as we learn them from two different perspectives.

In the last month, I have been really losing my brains over the death of my mother and Michelle has gone through the loss of a relationship.  Both of us searching for a way to make the pain stop and to somehow quit walking the same damn circle over and over and over again.  We wanted to be present in our lives, not just existing...barely.

The both of us are intelligent women.  We know what we want in the world, we are kind, we are funny, we are creative, and we have in some way been abused.  Many of us have.  This abuse does not make us special, but it is how we approach our lives after abuse that speaks to our nature.

17 years ago I met a man named Daniel in Seattle and got invited to a Tibetan New Year festival.  I went not knowing what to expect and had an experience that changed my life.  I started studying Buddhism and practicing with a teacher.  I went on a 10 day retreat in the woods and was headed, quite possibly, for a path that was mired deep in spirituality so much so that I was considering abandoning my life at the time in devotion.  Then, I got pregnant and my path changed.  Buddhism stayed with me, but I moved to a rural community that was primarily Christian so my practice came from books and solitary understanding.  In the last year or so, I have been lost.

Last week, Michelle sent me a video of a Buddhist therapist going over the very basics of The Four Noble Truths.  I had learned them so many years ago.  They are the basis of everything and I had forgotten their power to center.

Four Noble Truths: Buddha's Psychology of Freedom by Dr. Miles Neale

Aleathia: I listened to this video on my phone, shortly after sunrise, while walking the dog.  It really crushed me and had me in tears by the end.  I had forgotten everything.  I had let myself get spun in the wheel without any notice and I was tangled deep and drowning.  I have been to that place many times and thought I had fully gotten out each time, but that morning I realized that I had left one foot in wheel all the time.  This video has set me back on track to where I need to be.  It will be a long journey, but one I am ready to start again.

Michelle: A friend suggested I watch this video a few weeks ago when I was waist deep despair. I haven't been the same since that night. I started a strict meditation practice a few months ago and it was this information that I was missing. This basic understanding was what I lacked even though I read countless books on Buddhism. It's refreshing to hear the breakdown, in an endearing way, while linking the psychology/neuroscience at the root of study. I immediately felt empowered and immensely grateful. "Don't take for granted your perception of reality", he states.

Heartbroken, living out of a suitcase, life in a storage unit, negative thoughts swirling around my head, searching for refuge in my soul. Then it was clear, all this can change. I decided to be committed to myself, maybe for the first time in my life. I am excited and grateful to be on this journey.


Aleathia's current spiritual reading material:

This book has really supported what the teaching on the Four Noble Truths reminded me of.  I am not finished with it, but it has helped to make me more mindful in this time of change when everything in my life has been altered and I am learning to flow with the changes instead of crumble. Having a book to reference makes all the groundless moments seem possible to tread.



Michelle's current spiritual reading material:

I read this book 2 years ago and after viewing this video I went out immediately and started it again. I have found amazing strength within that I was not tapping into. This book gets deep within the processes of how the brain effects thought, strategies for rewiring your head, meditations, tips for calming the body, explaining how this is a neuroscience, all while using Buddhist teachings as a guide.

I have found myself feeling more in control of thoughts and have been practicing everyday to change my perception about what pops into my head. When have a thought like "my life is a mess, my relationship is over, I am so sad and angry", I replace it with an antidote immediately. I think of how I am not in that relationship anymore and that I'm facing a new direction. I think about the wonderful people I have in my life, and how they know all my parts and love me. I make my brain think of all the things that are beautiful in my life right at that moment. The list is long. Practicing the skill of replacing negative with positive is making new grooves in my gray matter. It is a disciplined practice and we are all worth the effort. It is life changing.

Thanks for reading and we hope you enjoy the video and feel compelled to check out a few books.  Blessings.

Aleathia and Michelle