I wasn't going to blog today because I didn't feel like I had anything to share but the cloud of sadness that has been hovering over me for the last week. The anniversary of my mother's death is in a few days. I have been trying to hold strong and not be a blubbering baby, but I must admit that at night, when I am alone, I sit here and cry silently. I have unanswered questions that will never find relief. I have a string of regrets sewn together with the tendrils of the ephemeral why. There was so much more we had to say to each other now that I had found love and happiness; now that I knew, in essence, who I really was supposed to be. That was taken away from me. Some days are better than others. I'm a sentimental git so the weepy, heartbreaking days are hard to let go of.
Through all of this Michael quietly waits for me to be ok. Sometimes he hugs me while I'm crying and washing the dishes. He doesn't have to say anything, because I know what he will say. I know he understands this pain as we have both lost our mothers at a young age. Men deal with things differently. He got angry and drank. I have been sullen and distant. Neither of them cure what ails us. Time doesn't heal the wounds, I have found, but I think somewhere it gives you perspective. He is almost 4 years out from losing his mom and he only made the turn around last year. I know there is hope for me yet. Stay busy. Don't bury it. But most of all, keep loving.
I was reading "All The King's Men" this morning and there is a passage I would like to share. In a round about way it was why I turned the computer on today. It was a passage about how love changes a person. After reading it I knew that I had to share it because without love, without how Michael makes me feel about the world, I would not be able to stand up in the face of everything that happens in a day. I am strong, but he makes me stronger. For that, I am forever grateful.
"So maybe she was up in the room trying to discover what her new self was, for when you get in love you are made all over again. The person who loves you has picked you out of the great masses of uncreated clay which is humanity to make something out of, and the poor lumpish clay which is you wants to find out what it has been made into. But at the same time, you, in the act of loving somebody, become real, cease to be a part of the continuum of the uncreated clay and get the breath of life in you and rise up.So you create yourself by creating another person, who, however, has also created you, picked up the you-chunk of clay out of the mass. So there are two you's, the one you yourself create by loving and the one the beloved creates by loving you. The farther those two you's are apart the more the world grinds and grudges on its axis. But if you loved and were loved perfectly then there wouldn't be any difference between the two you's or any distance between them. They would coincide perfectly, there would be a perfect focus, as when a stereoscope gets the twin images on the card into perfect alignment." --Robert Penn Warren
Thank you Michael for finding me; for allowing the life I always dreamed I would have. You are a fine man and an incredible human being. I love you.
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