Let's Go Somewhere-12/23/2014 Home Is Where the Heart Is

Aleathia says:

I have been on the move since before I was born.  Always moving on to the next bigger and better thing.  This was my mother's life which I had no choice, but to be a part of.  I adapted the best I could to the continual change of scenery, children's faces, and schools.  I never questioned it until was a teenager.  I wanted to stay in one damn place for a change.  She honored this and I am sure she was unhappy and I think this was so because the longer she stayed still the more she drank and she gave up her hobbies that brought her joy.  As an adult, I feel a bit selfish about it, but honestly it was the best thing she could have done for me.

I spent 7th grade to my senior year in Upstate NY (Elmira, NY) and then a few years in Corning, NY before I picked up where she left off.  I went traipsing off to Seattle and then to Atlanta and eventually back here to Corning under a certain amount of duress.  I had a baby and ended a marriage.  I had a few failed relationships and the desire to run away was pretty strong.  I understood my mother more than I ever had at that time.  If you keep moving, the pain doesn't feel quite so bad. I'm sure drinking and drugs also help that all go away, but that was never my strong suit.  I'm not an angel by any means, but I never saw the point of making it a life long career.  It isn't a coping mechanism by any stretch of the imagination.

If anything, my mother gave me New York.

In 2011, I drove Michael back to Corning with me from Cleveland where he flew in from California. He was jaw dropping excited about how beautiful this state was as we drove through hills that I never paid attention to anymore.  He saw this world for the first time, something I had stared at for a large part of my life and hated, and he found something to treasure.  I was resistant at first.  I thought he was a bit crazy, but over the last three years I have embraced this state as my forever home.  We have so many things to see in this one state.  It will take my life time to see them all.

His genuine nature, his love, his brutal reality made me love New York.  He opened the door for it being ok to set down roots; to take the risks in stride that come with being in one place.  I am sure I have not been too pleasant in this transition, but I am truly happy.  I stand on our porch and look out at the hills....the river...and think of how blessed we are to have found each other in this place.  

So today, I'm not going anywhere but here.  Home.  It  is where the heart is no matter how far away you run, or how you try to escape.  There is something beautiful about having a love affair with the landscape that holds all of your memories.  Thanks Corning, for the memories and the long years ahead.  Stay cool.

OM-6/29/2014 The Importance of Pain

Aleathia says:

The Importance of Pain

"Before we can know what natural warmth really is, often we must experience loss.  We go along for years moving through our days, propelled by habit, taking life pretty much for granted.  Then we or someone dear to us has an accident or gets seriously ill, and it's as if blinders have been removed from our eyes.  We see the meaninglessness of so much of what we do and the emptiness of so much we cling to.

When my mother died and I was asked to go through her personal belongings, this awareness hit me hard.  She had kept boxes of papers and trinkets that she treasured, things that she held on to through her many moves to smaller and smaller accommodations.  They had represented security and comfort for her, and she had been unable to let them go.  Now they were just boxes of stuff, things that held no meaning and represented no comfort or security to anyone.  For me these were just empty objects, yet she had clung to them.  Seeing this made me sad, and also thoughtful.  After that I could never look at my own treasured objects in the same way.  I had seen that things themselves are just what they are, neither precious nor worthless, and that all the labels, all our views and opinions about them, are arbitrary."

Pema Chodron, Taking the Leap

This passage was especially helpful to me when my own mother passed and I faced looking through her things.  Many of the items sent to me were of no meaning to me, not like they were to my mother, but I could sense she loved them.  Loss is the great equalizer.  It sets the balance in the world and it wakes you up. There are still moments that catch me off guard for no apparent reason and I am put to tears.  Life is precious. Be thankful every day for the world around you.