Light at the End of the Tunnel

Aleathia says:

It's been 5 months since I posted to this blog and that seems to be the fate of blogs in general, doesn't it? Daily maintenance is difficult and ambitious for even the most fastidious person. So much has happened in my life in this time both good and bad.

This post is a little recap and then I am moving forward. In the past I would have shut this blog down and started a new one to signify big changes or a "new" life, but I see no need to burn the bridge. My hope for this blog is that someday all the folks that wanted to be a part of it will somehow find time to contribute or that new folks will inquire to do participate. Though we all experience this journey of life in different contexts and pull from it different meaning, we can't deny that we are on the journey together.

The recap:

April sucked.  Seriously sucked. I lost my grandmother suddenly, though she was 84, but previously in decent health. My boyfriend/best friend cheated on my just shy of our 6 year anniversary and the week he moved out, I had to put my dog down. My kid was diagnosed with Lupus. Did I mention April sucked?

I'm not going to draw out the details of this embittered break up because in the end it was the best thing that could have happened to us. It was painful and I worked very hard to not fall into a deep and encompassing depression that I had already spent 3 long years in. This betrayal came on the same day that I felt like I "woke up" from the long, aforementioned depression. I realized that I had been isolating myself from everyone after my mother's death. I had tried counseling and the woman I saw checked her watch the entire session and then asked "do you think you need to see me again?" She never probed for more information or gave me any suggestions and I fear this is because I am smart and articulate and therefore it is assumed that I will just figure it out. If anyone knows me well, they know it is very difficult for me to reach out and ask for help. This woman was a disgrace to therapy.

I have to give props to my friends who held me together in so many ways. To Vicki, Annette, and Stephanie for being my village when I never thought I was part of one; when I never thought I could love a group of women as much as I love them. They made sure I didn't fall down the dark well, they let me cry, they let me propose poor decisions, they fed me, they made me get out of the house and smell fresh air.  Most of all, they stood like pillars as I cycled through poor choices (hold my beer emotional moments) knowing that in the end I would arrive at the right decision. You ladies are the rock I anchor my boat to. I love you.

To Brian and Michelle who I should pay large sums of money because they were my therapists for the last few months giving me the male and female perspectives on life and keeping me to my moral convictions. They were there for me at any moment of the day and their love and advice has been key to my mental, emotional, and physical survival. I owe them a sincere debt of gratitude and lots of hugs. I have a real therapist now so they are off the hook.

The fallout of my life has shown me some wonderful things. I realized that I had not really started living in my house since my mother died a month after I bought it. It was filled with stuff, but it wasn't lived in like I cared to be here. The transformation has begun...art is going up, curtains being made, and the stamp of my personality starting to shine through. I learned that I love living alone and that I am more than capable of doing it. I have been given a new opportunity to rediscover my art, Buddhism, yoga, cooking, and travel. It isn't to say that my relationship kept me from these things, but I have found that when I am in a relationship I give up all the best parts of me...probably the parts they fall in love with and eventually it all goes sideways. I am not getting in another relationship until I understand why I do this to myself over and over again. I have done it for 26 years. There is a lesson I'm not learning.

I want to thank my darling daughter Chloe for suffering the task of watching me pace the house in anxiety and crying my face off in depression. Your shoulder was always there and I hated to use it because this burden wasn't yours to carry, but your love has given me strength to move along this road to find solutions and better times.

Ok, enough of this mushy shit.  We all have better things to do with our life, right?  On the forefront will be art and book reviews (I'm reading again), spiritual discovery, and any manner of creativity I can get my hands into. If you are reading this, thanks for sticking with my inconsistent and wholly depressing life for the last 3 years. You all get a merit badge, a hug, and a kiss.

Aleathia

Space, No Time

Aleathia says:

The other morning, after a long shift at work, I had a great conversation with my friend Tim as we waited for our time at work to be over.  I can't remember how we managed to slide onto the subject of concepts of time, but we did.

Tim talked about how on a daily basis, for just about all his life, he has had no concept of time.  He understands time counted, but its regimentation is lost to him.  He is one of those people that lives in space, not in time.  Further into the conversation he talked about how this made him feel like an outsider and how it challenged him to see things the way others see them.  Tim said he needed solid relationships to ground him to time.

My interjection to this conversation came from a Buddhist perspective.  In Buddhism, there is a base function of "form is emptiness; emptiness is form".  This is a simple sentence, but a drastically hard concept to swallow on a daily basis.  It requires one to let go of time and even sometimes space to live in a place that is built on the fluid idea that everything is connected, there is no beginning and no end.  Everything exists and does not exist simultaneously.

It seemed to me that those of us who try to live in some amount of awareness have a goal to live in a way that comes naturally to Tim.  He lives in the present with little worry of the past or the future.  I am one of those, for most of my life, who has been grounded too much in what was and what will be. When you live in such a place you have little time to be present with the life happening before you. You can miss the simplicity of clouds moving across the sky, bird song, laughter, small beauties and sorrows, and what other people are trying to tell or show you.

The American culture is one of having more....all the time.  We must go faster, get more, live harder. It is not difficult to get caught up in this or with people telling what you should achieve in your life. How many of us get bullied into living someone else's dream or expectation of us?

This idea of living in the present has been an achievement of mine. It has been an expectation that I want to live up to. Today I sat down to meditate and flipped to a page in the Dalai Lama's "The Art of Happiness" and came to this passage, aptly:

"Dealing with expectations is really a tricky issue. If you have excessive expectations without a proper foundation, then that usually leads to problems.  On the other hand, without expectation and hope, without aspiration, there can be no progress. Some hope is essential. So finding the proper balance is not easy. One needs to judge each situation on the spot."--Dalai Lama

To me, being able to have enough balance in which to achieve expectations comes from the balance and awareness of time and space.  Too much time leads to not being able to live in the present.  Too much space leads to lack of awareness.

This idea of time and space that Tim brought up has really struck a cord in me.  I was glad I was present in that moment and soaked in what he had to say. We all need more moments like that where we share the higher, spiritual knowledge that we house in our bodies.  It gives perspective and openness.

Aleathia