Space, No Time

Aleathia says:

The other morning, after a long shift at work, I had a great conversation with my friend Tim as we waited for our time at work to be over.  I can't remember how we managed to slide onto the subject of concepts of time, but we did.

Tim talked about how on a daily basis, for just about all his life, he has had no concept of time.  He understands time counted, but its regimentation is lost to him.  He is one of those people that lives in space, not in time.  Further into the conversation he talked about how this made him feel like an outsider and how it challenged him to see things the way others see them.  Tim said he needed solid relationships to ground him to time.

My interjection to this conversation came from a Buddhist perspective.  In Buddhism, there is a base function of "form is emptiness; emptiness is form".  This is a simple sentence, but a drastically hard concept to swallow on a daily basis.  It requires one to let go of time and even sometimes space to live in a place that is built on the fluid idea that everything is connected, there is no beginning and no end.  Everything exists and does not exist simultaneously.

It seemed to me that those of us who try to live in some amount of awareness have a goal to live in a way that comes naturally to Tim.  He lives in the present with little worry of the past or the future.  I am one of those, for most of my life, who has been grounded too much in what was and what will be. When you live in such a place you have little time to be present with the life happening before you. You can miss the simplicity of clouds moving across the sky, bird song, laughter, small beauties and sorrows, and what other people are trying to tell or show you.

The American culture is one of having more....all the time.  We must go faster, get more, live harder. It is not difficult to get caught up in this or with people telling what you should achieve in your life. How many of us get bullied into living someone else's dream or expectation of us?

This idea of living in the present has been an achievement of mine. It has been an expectation that I want to live up to. Today I sat down to meditate and flipped to a page in the Dalai Lama's "The Art of Happiness" and came to this passage, aptly:

"Dealing with expectations is really a tricky issue. If you have excessive expectations without a proper foundation, then that usually leads to problems.  On the other hand, without expectation and hope, without aspiration, there can be no progress. Some hope is essential. So finding the proper balance is not easy. One needs to judge each situation on the spot."--Dalai Lama

To me, being able to have enough balance in which to achieve expectations comes from the balance and awareness of time and space.  Too much time leads to not being able to live in the present.  Too much space leads to lack of awareness.

This idea of time and space that Tim brought up has really struck a cord in me.  I was glad I was present in that moment and soaked in what he had to say. We all need more moments like that where we share the higher, spiritual knowledge that we house in our bodies.  It gives perspective and openness.

Aleathia

Healing Anger (one minute at a time)

Aleathia says:

Today I had intentions of writing about the race, but something more important showed its face.  I was vacuuming the upstairs after bringing up the empty containers from Christmas decorating.  I vacuumed in front of my shrine and wondered why I haven't been sitting more.  The holidays are always hard.  They bring up so many good and bad memories.  They bring up anger when they shouldn't.

Michael told me the other day that he feels like sometimes I need to meditate more, that sometimes he notices things get away from me emotionally and I am all over the place.  These times shift the mood of the house.  I am well aware of my skill to diffuse the house with whatever problem I am holding inside.  It seeps through everything subversively.  At the time I might think I am doing a good job of hiding it, but in truth my family just steers clear of me.  Hell, sometimes, I want to steer clear of me.

So after I put the vacuum away, I stood there looking at the shrine again.  The house was empty and silent except for the noise I was making to keep myself distracted.  I pulled my cushion out and sat down.  I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to sit for long (hip is bad from running and attention span of a gnat).  I said my dedication prayer and one of my texts caught my eye...."Healing Anger" by The Dalai Lama.  There was one dog-eared page in the book so I flipped to it and started to read.

What I read smacked me in the face and made me tear up, because the truth often does that to you.  Here is what I read:

"Genuine peace of mind is rooted in affection and compassion.  There is a very high level of sensitivity and feeling involved.  So long as we lack inner discipline, an inner calmness of mind, then no matter what external facilities or conditions we may have, they will never give us the feeling of joy and happiness that we seek.  On the other hand, if we possess this inner quality, that is calmness of mind, a degree of stability within, then even if we lack various external facilities that are normally considered necessary for a happy and joyful life, it is still possible to live a happy and joyful life."--The Dalai Lama

Now this portion did not make me tear up.  This part was affirming to say the least.  Sometimes I forget the most basic principles of living a good life clouded by distractions, failed expectations, anger, and jealousy.  These are the things that make me human, but do not make me happy.  This next part is what slayed me:

"If we examine how anger or hateful thoughts arise in us, we will find that, generally speaking, they arise when we feel hurt, when we feel that we have been unfairly treated by someone against our expectations.  If in that instant we examine carefully the way anger arises, there is a sense that it comes as a protector, comes as a friend that would help our battle or in taking revenge against the person who has inflicted harm on us.  So the anger or hateful thought that arises appears to come as a shield or a protector.  But in reality that is an illusion.  It is a very delusory state of mind."--The Dalai Lama

I realized at that moment that I have been in a state of anger for several years.  It hasn't been harsh enough until recently for me to see it in myself, but it is there.  My mother died a few years ago and part of me is not sad that she is gone because she micro-managed me all the time.  She constantly made me feel like I wasn't doing good enough or being a good mom.  It was a horrible feeling and when she passed, I knew I would never have to feel like that again at her hand.  But I was angry too. She died suddenly, most likely of an accidental overdose combined with sleep apnea, and she had denied us all a funeral.  Mourning was solitary and painful and full of so many questions.  Sometimes I am angry at myself for not letting her come to visit that Christmas before she died when we first bought the house.  It would have been the last time I got to see her, instead the last time was at a funeral.

I have leaned very little on my faith over the last few years.  In part, I think I have wanted to punish myself...to not allow myself a way of understanding and healing for everything in my life.  I am not sure I can carry those burdens anymore.  My anger is evident to me.  My lack of compassion for the world is painful and unbecoming.

My anger has also come at work.  I have to say that I have felt betrayed in some way.  This could be real or imagined, but my state of mind at the time didn't help but to further the anger along.  Deep down I have been hurting and hiding.  This is something I learned long ago when no one was ever there for me when I had times of pain, sorrow, and disappointment.  I knew that I could count on myself...that I always had my own back.

But now I have people that love me.  Michael always has my back...and my heart in mind.  He is a strength that I rarely tap into, because I am afraid of how ugly my insides are sometimes.  It isn't fair to him or to my darling child to hide inside myself.  It isn't fair to my co-workers who have had to put up with my very disconnected attitude.  Healing always starts from within.  A person has to be willing to heal, willing to let people in, and decide to see the light in the world. I think this is my time.  I hope this is my time.

Thank you for listening.

6/28/2015 The World is but a Stage

Aleathia says:

"Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.” --H.H. Dalai Lama

This weekend I celebrated my 42nd birthday.  I have essentially, if I maintain good health, have lived half my possible life already.  It has been filled with so many events both sorrowful and joyful.  In the last 4 years I have been lucky enough to have Michael in my life helping me grow as a human, as a woman, and as a mother.

We have birthdays one day apart so we usually go away together to a cabin and celebrate life while also mourning the loss of his mother who took her own life on his birthday.  It has been my mission since I met him to help him find some sense of peace and happiness on his birthday again.  My life would be so much less without him.  This year was the first year his sorrow did not outweigh the grace of his birthday.

On these special weekends we have time to really talk uninterrupted, laugh, cry, make fools of ourselves without worry, and rejoice in the beauty of the lives we have created around us.  I find these trips vital to our friendship and our relationship.  He has said to me on many occasions that relationships are work and if they fall apart then not enough effort was put into it.  Each of us brings challenges to the table and both of us have had to find some zen in our hearts to bear the other on occasion, but never has it seemed like too much work.  Our relationship is always worth the effort.

My birthday consisted of torrential downpour from the time we woke up until the time we went to bed.  We were essentially cabin bound and the plans for hiking the woods thwarted, but we made the best of it.  Later in the evening he began to tell me that he felt our relationship was special because until he met me he felt as if he had never been truly loved by anyone.  I stood there in the kitchen with my heart breaking at this thought.  He is so talented and charming and funny.  He is a man of morals and a great thinker.  It was probably the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.  It was the best birthday present I have ever gotten.

To know you have made someone feel loved, loved so much they have to love you back in the same way is the most wonderful thing imaginable.  I am a lucky woman.  We are lucky in love.  I thank my stars for that every day.

4/30/2015 The Light of Day

Aleathia says:

Life is such an interesting journey.  It is just as hard to navigate if you have a good head on your shoulders than if you don't.  One can never foresee all the possible permutations of each decision of each moment.  If you break it down, if you really were cognizant of each decision you might go insane.  This is awareness.  This type of awareness of every thing in this moment, every choice, every breath is what is supposed to move you forward to enlightenment.

I have been sick since Saturday and I am the first to admit that I am a miserable cuss when I am ill.  My poor family has had to suffer my own personal suffering this week.  In hindsight I feel bad about it.  I could have been more aware of my verbal actions and a little less "misery loves company".  But an interesting thing happened.  I walked the dog and came back miserable and short of breath and feeling a little angry that Michael didn't walk the dog for me because I was ill.  Yes, it was my turn, but I was looking for sympathy.  I came back to him watching a documentary on The Buddha.  It was the story of Siddhartha's journey to enlightenment.

I remember learning this story when I first started studying Buddhism in 1997.  It is a great story of struggle and understanding and of finding balance.  Michael is our resident theologian.  He is a man of deep thought and over his lifetime has explored more religions than I knew existed.  He has practiced some of them as well.  He is a fountain of wonder and knowledge to me.  After the documentary was over we started talking about the Dalai Lama and how he has people in the world who hate him.  We both could not understand the reasoning for it.  Maybe those people have their own struggles which bring these types of feelings up.  Michael was interested in the Dalai Lama's journey from Tibet though he wanted a perspective other than what I had to offer, but he gladly started reading the Dalai Lama's autobiography about his exile and his life.

I woke up today in severe pain after only sleeping 4 hours.  My chest didn't hurt as bad but my hip was so painful I could barely move.  I started thinking about how insignificant that pain is compared to what is happening in Nepal and Baltimore or any other place engulfed in suffering in the world.  I cried in the shower, not from pain, but from the fact that I have let myself ride on the wheel of suffering so easily.  The last year and a half has not been easy.  So much was left without closure with my mother's sudden death.  I have been fighting this battle by myself because I won't let anyone else stand by me.  I have gotten so out of balance.  I get angry easy, frustrated, and fly off the handle.  I cry without warning.  I have let myself go physically which causes two kinds of suffering.

This morning I said the refuge prayer and did prostrations and a mala of compassion prayers.  I feel like I found an old friend.  I feel like my best friend gave me back something wonderful when I needed it most.  Maybe I was just ready to hear it again.  Maybe I was tired of spinning uncontrollably.  Whatever it may be, it is a start.

"When we are training in the art of peace, we are not given any promises that because of our noble intentions everything will be okay.  In fact, there are no promises of fruition at all.  Instead, we are encouraged to simply look deeply at joy and sorrow, at laughing and crying, at hoping and fearing, all all that lives and dies.  We learn that what truly heals is gratitude and tenderness."--Pema Chodron

OM-12/7/2014 Worrying Changes Very Little, Dalai Lama

Aleathia says:

Everyday is a learning experience.  Every moment I understand who I am in this life.  The navigation is difficult despite trying to make it smooth; despite best efforts.  I often turn to my faith when I feel the wheel of suffering spinning.  It spins constantly, but sometimes I have run so fast in circles that I notice it and have to stop.  I have to grab the brass ring and get off the go round.

"Because of our worries and our grieving and our self-inflicted torment, God takes away nothing at all.  We must pray about it."--Paul Gerhardt, German poet.

Dalai Lama:

"That is a beautiful thought.  For us, this means: if there are worries that we can do something about, then there is no reason to despair.  But if there is nothing we can change, then despair will not help.  So why should we worry if a problem can be solved?  If there is a solution, then we don't have to be afraid.  But when something cannot be changed, then we must yield to it.  Worrying just takes away necessary strength.  It is useless.  I usually follow this rule:  hope for the best and be prepared for the worst......When a hope is not fulfilled, this is not a catastrophe.  Life with its many possibilities goes on, and other wishes are fulfilled.  If we put all our eggs in one basket, then a failure may cause us to fall into a deep despair and depression, or we may even take our life out of disappointment.  But with the right attitude, no one needs to be this hopeless."

OM-6/22/2014 Suffering and Happiness

Aleathia says:

"Suffering and Happiness" by the Dalai Lama

"We are each the center of our own universe.  We establish east, west, north, and south, as well as up and down, all in relation to our own location.  The self can be seen as the fundamental framework by which we understand and relate to the whole of existence.

Suffering, which we can think of as our own individual samsara, and happiness, which is our freedom from that suffering, stem ultimately from our notion of self.  My suffering results from my indulgence in self-centered behavior.  And that behavior propels me to act in ways that cause me more suffering.  I seem to go round and round within the cycle of rebirths which constitute my samsara.  My pursuit of happiness arises from my wish to be free from suffering."