Life is such an interesting journey. It is just as hard to navigate if you have a good head on your shoulders than if you don't. One can never foresee all the possible permutations of each decision of each moment. If you break it down, if you really were cognizant of each decision you might go insane. This is awareness. This type of awareness of every thing in this moment, every choice, every breath is what is supposed to move you forward to enlightenment.
I have been sick since Saturday and I am the first to admit that I am a miserable cuss when I am ill. My poor family has had to suffer my own personal suffering this week. In hindsight I feel bad about it. I could have been more aware of my verbal actions and a little less "misery loves company". But an interesting thing happened. I walked the dog and came back miserable and short of breath and feeling a little angry that Michael didn't walk the dog for me because I was ill. Yes, it was my turn, but I was looking for sympathy. I came back to him watching a documentary on The Buddha. It was the story of Siddhartha's journey to enlightenment.
I remember learning this story when I first started studying Buddhism in 1997. It is a great story of struggle and understanding and of finding balance. Michael is our resident theologian. He is a man of deep thought and over his lifetime has explored more religions than I knew existed. He has practiced some of them as well. He is a fountain of wonder and knowledge to me. After the documentary was over we started talking about the Dalai Lama and how he has people in the world who hate him. We both could not understand the reasoning for it. Maybe those people have their own struggles which bring these types of feelings up. Michael was interested in the Dalai Lama's journey from Tibet though he wanted a perspective other than what I had to offer, but he gladly started reading the Dalai Lama's autobiography about his exile and his life.
I woke up today in severe pain after only sleeping 4 hours. My chest didn't hurt as bad but my hip was so painful I could barely move. I started thinking about how insignificant that pain is compared to what is happening in Nepal and Baltimore or any other place engulfed in suffering in the world. I cried in the shower, not from pain, but from the fact that I have let myself ride on the wheel of suffering so easily. The last year and a half has not been easy. So much was left without closure with my mother's sudden death. I have been fighting this battle by myself because I won't let anyone else stand by me. I have gotten so out of balance. I get angry easy, frustrated, and fly off the handle. I cry without warning. I have let myself go physically which causes two kinds of suffering.
This morning I said the refuge prayer and did prostrations and a mala of compassion prayers. I feel like I found an old friend. I feel like my best friend gave me back something wonderful when I needed it most. Maybe I was just ready to hear it again. Maybe I was tired of spinning uncontrollably. Whatever it may be, it is a start.
"When we are training in the art of peace, we are not given any promises that because of our noble intentions everything will be okay. In fact, there are no promises of fruition at all. Instead, we are encouraged to simply look deeply at joy and sorrow, at laughing and crying, at hoping and fearing, all all that lives and dies. We learn that what truly heals is gratitude and tenderness."--Pema Chodron
No comments:
Post a Comment