Healing Anger (one minute at a time)

Aleathia says:

Today I had intentions of writing about the race, but something more important showed its face.  I was vacuuming the upstairs after bringing up the empty containers from Christmas decorating.  I vacuumed in front of my shrine and wondered why I haven't been sitting more.  The holidays are always hard.  They bring up so many good and bad memories.  They bring up anger when they shouldn't.

Michael told me the other day that he feels like sometimes I need to meditate more, that sometimes he notices things get away from me emotionally and I am all over the place.  These times shift the mood of the house.  I am well aware of my skill to diffuse the house with whatever problem I am holding inside.  It seeps through everything subversively.  At the time I might think I am doing a good job of hiding it, but in truth my family just steers clear of me.  Hell, sometimes, I want to steer clear of me.

So after I put the vacuum away, I stood there looking at the shrine again.  The house was empty and silent except for the noise I was making to keep myself distracted.  I pulled my cushion out and sat down.  I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to sit for long (hip is bad from running and attention span of a gnat).  I said my dedication prayer and one of my texts caught my eye...."Healing Anger" by The Dalai Lama.  There was one dog-eared page in the book so I flipped to it and started to read.

What I read smacked me in the face and made me tear up, because the truth often does that to you.  Here is what I read:

"Genuine peace of mind is rooted in affection and compassion.  There is a very high level of sensitivity and feeling involved.  So long as we lack inner discipline, an inner calmness of mind, then no matter what external facilities or conditions we may have, they will never give us the feeling of joy and happiness that we seek.  On the other hand, if we possess this inner quality, that is calmness of mind, a degree of stability within, then even if we lack various external facilities that are normally considered necessary for a happy and joyful life, it is still possible to live a happy and joyful life."--The Dalai Lama

Now this portion did not make me tear up.  This part was affirming to say the least.  Sometimes I forget the most basic principles of living a good life clouded by distractions, failed expectations, anger, and jealousy.  These are the things that make me human, but do not make me happy.  This next part is what slayed me:

"If we examine how anger or hateful thoughts arise in us, we will find that, generally speaking, they arise when we feel hurt, when we feel that we have been unfairly treated by someone against our expectations.  If in that instant we examine carefully the way anger arises, there is a sense that it comes as a protector, comes as a friend that would help our battle or in taking revenge against the person who has inflicted harm on us.  So the anger or hateful thought that arises appears to come as a shield or a protector.  But in reality that is an illusion.  It is a very delusory state of mind."--The Dalai Lama

I realized at that moment that I have been in a state of anger for several years.  It hasn't been harsh enough until recently for me to see it in myself, but it is there.  My mother died a few years ago and part of me is not sad that she is gone because she micro-managed me all the time.  She constantly made me feel like I wasn't doing good enough or being a good mom.  It was a horrible feeling and when she passed, I knew I would never have to feel like that again at her hand.  But I was angry too. She died suddenly, most likely of an accidental overdose combined with sleep apnea, and she had denied us all a funeral.  Mourning was solitary and painful and full of so many questions.  Sometimes I am angry at myself for not letting her come to visit that Christmas before she died when we first bought the house.  It would have been the last time I got to see her, instead the last time was at a funeral.

I have leaned very little on my faith over the last few years.  In part, I think I have wanted to punish myself...to not allow myself a way of understanding and healing for everything in my life.  I am not sure I can carry those burdens anymore.  My anger is evident to me.  My lack of compassion for the world is painful and unbecoming.

My anger has also come at work.  I have to say that I have felt betrayed in some way.  This could be real or imagined, but my state of mind at the time didn't help but to further the anger along.  Deep down I have been hurting and hiding.  This is something I learned long ago when no one was ever there for me when I had times of pain, sorrow, and disappointment.  I knew that I could count on myself...that I always had my own back.

But now I have people that love me.  Michael always has my back...and my heart in mind.  He is a strength that I rarely tap into, because I am afraid of how ugly my insides are sometimes.  It isn't fair to him or to my darling child to hide inside myself.  It isn't fair to my co-workers who have had to put up with my very disconnected attitude.  Healing always starts from within.  A person has to be willing to heal, willing to let people in, and decide to see the light in the world. I think this is my time.  I hope this is my time.

Thank you for listening.

Spinning Wheels

Aleathia says:

This Sunday was a hard shift...busy and acute and short handed, but this is nothing new.  Night shift is notorious for doing more with so much less.  Those of us who brave it, who commit to the lifestyle understand we are a different breed of human.  We sleep when the sun is up (if we sleep at all), we are bossy and courageous, we hardly get time to eat or go to the bathroom, and we often laugh away the pain we feel every second we are at work.  It is hard to explain to day people...to "normal" folk because it is something you have to live.  It sinks into your bones and replicates.

When I set out to be a nurse I had a plan for myself.  I started on the night shift because it was available and because I decided it afforded me the most time with my child.  I would miss the sleeping hours and the school hours.  For the last 12 years this has worked for me, but as my body gets older and my patience a little shorter, I find it harder and harder to work the shift.  I love the ER and I have really put my blood, sweat, and tears into the place.  My mind is always cranking out ideas on how we could make it better and more efficient....how it could be a better place for everyone that works there.

In the last few months, there was talk of maybe adding an assistant manager to the unit and that position would encompass much of the work I already do for my boss outside of my job duties.  I have loved doing this extra work because it meant I was helping my manager who really wants great things for us and it gave me a sense of passion about moving forward.  In my mind, I know I could do this position.  I have certain strengths that would elevate what my manager is already doing.  I have a certain gift for organization and numbers, but this morning, reality set in.

The position requires the person to be an RN, preferably a BSN, or on the degree track with attainment in a set amount of time.  I knew this a month ago, but I really had pulled the wool over my own eyes thinking the world was a different place and that the experience, passion, and groundwork already achieved would be enough.  It isn't.

It sort of crushed me today to realize that what I have to offer doesn't mean anything to upper management because I don't have a string of letters behind my name.  I could get a degree, but I don't want it just to make someone else happy.  I also don't want to be on the fast track to run the unit.  In this phase of my life I want to be working towards more time with my family, not less.  I cried a little today understanding that my inherent gifts can't be validated.

I have never been the one to fit in anyway.  I have been on the fringe of everything for my lifetime. I'm generally an observer and this time I threw myself out into the center ring.  Sometimes you have to jump.  Sometimes you fall.  My reactionary heart got the best of me today.  I was angry at so many things.  I wanted to quit my job.  I wanted to stop doing all the extra things I do and I still might.  I miss taking care of patients.  I miss having that little section of the unit that is my bubble and I can concentrate on giving great care instead of running around trying to keep the unit together.

I just want to have a full life...not full of just one thing over the other, but a well rounded and loving life.  In the end, as much as I would have wanted that position, it is a blessing to not be in the running for it.  This means I get to jump off the wheel a bit and keep focus on what truly matters....love and life and my two best people in the world who never let me down.

OM-5/18/2014 Buddhism, Anger and Patience

Aleathia says:

I this morning I wake to the blood curdling sound of our dog howling.  This isn't a cry of pain, but more of a hey guys are you getting up?  I have to pee.  I am hungry.

I am tucked nicely in my warm bed next to the man I love.  The house is quiet, save the dog, and the urge to just ignore my responsibility is great.  I get up and I am immediately disgruntled.  The dog and I had a rough time the day before.  He challenged me around every corner, made messes, whined for no reason, and would not leave me alone.  I carried around a resentment for him all day and night and woke with it this morning.

I suited up for the brisk morning air and put on his harness and leash.  I put my headphones on because I wanted to shut out the world.  I was in a grumpy ass mood because I had to walk this dog.  I wanted more time to rest, to be free from responsibility before the day started.  Then I heard this song:

Bonnie Prince Billy-I Came to Hear the Music

"The years become a moment in the ever-changing sand, Did God make time to keep it all from happening at once?"

Now I don't believe in God, but this particular line spoke miles to me.  It suddenly said to me "form is emptiness; emptiness is form".  I shut the music off and I said my morning prayer:

To the Buddha, the Dharma, and the Supreme Assembly

I go for refuge until enlightenment is reached.

May all beings have happiness and the root of happiness,

be free from suffering and the root of suffering,

May they never be separate from the great happiness,

devoid of suffering, 

May they live in equanimity 

free from passion aggression and partiality.

After this I noticed the sun bursting from behind the clouds after many days of rain; the burgeoning river; the trees coming to life and the smell of flowers; the dew on raspberry leaves.

I realized at that moment that my problem had not been with the dog yesterday or today, but more rooted in the anxiety of having our first official house guest in our new home.  I spent the day cleaning and prepping so the house would look perfect for people I have never met before.  I was worried about what they would think of me based on how I keep my house.  I had to laugh at myself because in the grand scheme of things in the world this is something that doesn't matter, not to anyone.  It should not matter to me.  It should not have had power to put me in such a foul mood for days masqueraded as anger at the dog.  He does nothing but love me and find ways to gain my attention which I apparently had forgotten to give.

So today's lesson is about the bigger picture and patience and freeing myself from the need to be thought well of in a manner of social class.  My life is good, as good as I make it.