To All the Single Ladies.....

Aleathia says:

This weekend at work was very testing. There was a fire, it was super busy and we worked short, and then the last day all the patients were dramatic and challenging. It about near sucked the life out of me. Each night before I go to sleep I scroll through the YouTube feed to see if anything interesting pops up. Sometimes I find great new music or an interesting TED talk. Sometimes I watch weird surveys or dance videos.

This weekend I came upon a video of a woman who was celebrating her 7th year of being single. Her definition of single being not in a dedicated, notated relationship that would be called a couple. She had gone on dates and had many situations, but still single. This woman was beautiful and thin and the first thing I thought was "I'm doomed". But rather than shut the video off, I kept watching to see WHY she was celebrating this milestone. She also has a website called The Problem with Dating.

She talked about having been in a string of ongoing or steady relationships for more than 10 years and all of which ended poorly. After the last one she realized that she had a lot of personal work to do on herself before she could be in a couple and maintain a healthy, functional relationship with another human being. She talked about how if you are wanting to be in a relationship to validate your existence in the world, you aren't ready. If you are in a relationship so you aren't lonely, you aren't ready. If you are in a relationship so you fit in with your friend's and family's expectations of you, you aren't ready.

This sort of hit me like a ton of bricks. I consider myself to be very observant and marginally intelligent. Why had I not thought of this before? How come I could not see this? It is very interesting to me how I could trick myself into thinking all my actions were valid in the past. I'm not going to be horrid to myself about it. I was young. I was without information that was vital to moving around in this world.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family and this isn't a singular badge. I know that so many of us do and in this day and age I'm sure dysfunction is the norm. But I also know that I grew up a child of trauma from living in a house that was full of alcohol and drugs and infidelity. There was little emotional money in our family. I learned to be invisible. I learned that being lonely is very painful. I learned that despite abuse you just shut up and take it because you don't want anyone else to know your business. This was the ammunition I left home with. It didn't feel natural or true, but it was all I had.

In all my relationships I think I have tried to show my true colors, but fear of rejection and abandonment have always loomed near the surface. All people want to be loved and accepted. If someone tells you otherwise then they are lying. Isolation is a defense mechanism. It takes away the opportunity for someone to hurt you because you are not present to be hurt.

This year has been emotionally challenging for me as many of you have read on this blog in previous posts. It takes a lot from me to be able to share my pain and my misgivings with whomever chooses to read about it and I put myself in this position because I want to grow. I do it because maybe I'm not alone in the world with the life I've lived and maybe, just maybe, I can help someone else not feel alone in their pain by sharing.

I have realized that I am not ready to be in a relationship. I really do have so much work to do on myself and that requires space and time. But the hopeful thing that woman said in her video was that she recognized in her journey of working on herself that she had attracted the most amazing and creative people in her life. That was something to be excited about and despite attracting all these great men, the one meant for her had not shown up yet.  I have always loved the quote "Good things come to those who wait." I don't take the waiting to be something idle, but more like a patient observation of the world; a gathering of information and self-education.

So I've been single for 16 months. I have learned a lot, but not quite enough to feel whole yet. Thank you to all who have read my posts and watch me melt down in a public forum. Thanks for coming back over and over again. I hope life treats you all kindly. Much love.

Aleathia

A Soup of Patience, a poem

Aleathia says:

I forego walking today,
my heart too heavy,
mind too full to push
this body forward.
It has forgotten everything
it knows about the laws of inertia.

In a silent house
I cook soup from my heritage
hoping it will bring my father's patience
to the surface and push back
the haunting whispers of my mother
saying “I told you so”.

The smell of onions fills the kitchen
and the warm sun falls on my back
as I lean against the sink.
The sky is blue and clear
and I am jealous of how easy
it seems to let go of its worries.
I have never been good at that.

But I will try again,
grow stronger and wiser,
to settle my mind.

To live in real time
with all its suffering and joy.
I can do this.
We can do this.
One moment at a time

Aleathia Drehmer 2016

OM-7/20/2014 Buddhism, Change

Aleathia says:

In 1997 I put a tattoo on my body that sort of embodies this idea.  It is the Ko from the I Ching and its representation is that of a cow hide split open to dry.  The understanding is that one can be transformed at any time into something new.  I would get this tattoo only a few months before I started practicing Buddhism.

When times are tough and I feel that sense that hope is lost or that I could just lay down everything, I look to that tattoo as a reminder that through all the other times when I felt all was lost, I found some way to get back up and recreate myself.  This requires patience and trust.  These are hard to learn, but two of the most valuable tools I have ever learned.

OM-5/18/2014 Buddhism, Anger and Patience

Aleathia says:

I this morning I wake to the blood curdling sound of our dog howling.  This isn't a cry of pain, but more of a hey guys are you getting up?  I have to pee.  I am hungry.

I am tucked nicely in my warm bed next to the man I love.  The house is quiet, save the dog, and the urge to just ignore my responsibility is great.  I get up and I am immediately disgruntled.  The dog and I had a rough time the day before.  He challenged me around every corner, made messes, whined for no reason, and would not leave me alone.  I carried around a resentment for him all day and night and woke with it this morning.

I suited up for the brisk morning air and put on his harness and leash.  I put my headphones on because I wanted to shut out the world.  I was in a grumpy ass mood because I had to walk this dog.  I wanted more time to rest, to be free from responsibility before the day started.  Then I heard this song:

Bonnie Prince Billy-I Came to Hear the Music

"The years become a moment in the ever-changing sand, Did God make time to keep it all from happening at once?"

Now I don't believe in God, but this particular line spoke miles to me.  It suddenly said to me "form is emptiness; emptiness is form".  I shut the music off and I said my morning prayer:

To the Buddha, the Dharma, and the Supreme Assembly

I go for refuge until enlightenment is reached.

May all beings have happiness and the root of happiness,

be free from suffering and the root of suffering,

May they never be separate from the great happiness,

devoid of suffering, 

May they live in equanimity 

free from passion aggression and partiality.

After this I noticed the sun bursting from behind the clouds after many days of rain; the burgeoning river; the trees coming to life and the smell of flowers; the dew on raspberry leaves.

I realized at that moment that my problem had not been with the dog yesterday or today, but more rooted in the anxiety of having our first official house guest in our new home.  I spent the day cleaning and prepping so the house would look perfect for people I have never met before.  I was worried about what they would think of me based on how I keep my house.  I had to laugh at myself because in the grand scheme of things in the world this is something that doesn't matter, not to anyone.  It should not matter to me.  It should not have had power to put me in such a foul mood for days masqueraded as anger at the dog.  He does nothing but love me and find ways to gain my attention which I apparently had forgotten to give.

So today's lesson is about the bigger picture and patience and freeing myself from the need to be thought well of in a manner of social class.  My life is good, as good as I make it.