Come to the Light, Carol Anne

Aleathia says:

     After my vacation in August I returned to work. Back in the ER for the 13th year. To say the least, it has become monotonous save the time I get to teach new nurses how to work in the ER. On my vacation, I enjoyed doing yoga and meditation daily, writing and sewing, and various other creative endeavors. My life has been about self-care and this journey to do something more meaningful.

     Going back to work in the ER felt like a prison sentence. I'm good at what I do and it isn't like the work doesn't have an element of excitement, but it is also very taxing emotionally to be "on" 12 hours a day, so I applied for a new job at Planned Parenthood. In my 20's, this organization saved my life when they found pre-cancer of the cervix and I was able to have surgery to remove it before it spread. At the time, I was working two minimum wage jobs with no insurance and had put off going to the doctor for five years until my boyfriend at the time, dragged me down there because he was tired of seeing me in pain. I had been looking for a way to repay this debt for 20 years.

     There had been several coincidental signs that pushed me toward applying at PP. I set about inquiring about financial things to see if I could even afford to make a change. I would have lost a substantial amount of money, but what I thought I would gain was time everyday to do yoga and meditation, daily writing time, a chance to participate in local things on weekends, holidays off, less driving and shorter shifts. This was all appealing. The only thing I thought I'd miss was my writer's group on Thursdays because I would have to work late in Hornell that night.

     I sent a resume and was emailed in an hour to set up a phone interview the next day. By the next week, I had a face to face interview. This interview changed my life.

     Let me set some background. I have been a Buddhist since 1997. I have been a nurse since 2004. Both of these things lend to the betterment of human kind. They are in service of uplifting life and having compassionate care for other human beings. These are distinct choices I have made in my life. I did not go in blind to this interview about the nature of abortion at the clinic. But I have long been a firm believer in women having the choice over their own bodies. Who am I to stand in the way of that based on my own belief systems? No one. I thought that I could handle such practices with all the death and tragedy I have seen in the ER in my lifetime. I said I could handle it, but there were a few things said in the interview that sat with me funny.

     I would have been responsible for things I could not have lived with in the termination of a fetus at 24 weeks. I'm not going to get into details because this post isn't about abortion, it's about choice and realization of limits. One of the interviewers said that helping women through that particular procedure was "rewarding." Excuse me? I don't know. Maybe the writer in me frowned at that word choice, but it jarred me and I couldn't get it out of my head. But they also asked me what I liked about my current job and I talked about this role I have as a Preceptor of new nurses and students. One of the other women asked me why I would leave that? I didn't have a great answer.

Here is what I learned:

Though I am tired of the daily grind in the ER, it is still important work. WE SAVE LIVES...as a team.

The stress of being on point all day is less heavy than the stress of knowing you'd taken lives instead of saved them.

I have a moral limit to the things that I am willing to do professionally. My heart is bigger and more tender than I give it credit for.

If I need to, I can live on less, but I don't need to.

I can make my life more simple by not running away from my responsibilities.

I could not have lived without my writer's group. They have given me back my love of writing. They teach me things both as a writer and as a human being. They are my friends. They are a second family.

I am a lucky and blessed woman.

I have an amazing boss who let me spread my wings towards a dream I thought I had and didn't try to stop me or make me feel bad. And when I found it wasn't the dream I had thought, she welcomed me back into the fold, knowing, someday there would be another dream.


This whole process was extremely emotional for me, but sometimes we need to take bold leaps to get a good look at the place we were just standing in. Sometimes we can see our nose in spite of our face.

Thanks for reading. Be kind to each other.

Aleathia

To All the Single Ladies.....

Aleathia says:

This weekend at work was very testing. There was a fire, it was super busy and we worked short, and then the last day all the patients were dramatic and challenging. It about near sucked the life out of me. Each night before I go to sleep I scroll through the YouTube feed to see if anything interesting pops up. Sometimes I find great new music or an interesting TED talk. Sometimes I watch weird surveys or dance videos.

This weekend I came upon a video of a woman who was celebrating her 7th year of being single. Her definition of single being not in a dedicated, notated relationship that would be called a couple. She had gone on dates and had many situations, but still single. This woman was beautiful and thin and the first thing I thought was "I'm doomed". But rather than shut the video off, I kept watching to see WHY she was celebrating this milestone. She also has a website called The Problem with Dating.

She talked about having been in a string of ongoing or steady relationships for more than 10 years and all of which ended poorly. After the last one she realized that she had a lot of personal work to do on herself before she could be in a couple and maintain a healthy, functional relationship with another human being. She talked about how if you are wanting to be in a relationship to validate your existence in the world, you aren't ready. If you are in a relationship so you aren't lonely, you aren't ready. If you are in a relationship so you fit in with your friend's and family's expectations of you, you aren't ready.

This sort of hit me like a ton of bricks. I consider myself to be very observant and marginally intelligent. Why had I not thought of this before? How come I could not see this? It is very interesting to me how I could trick myself into thinking all my actions were valid in the past. I'm not going to be horrid to myself about it. I was young. I was without information that was vital to moving around in this world.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family and this isn't a singular badge. I know that so many of us do and in this day and age I'm sure dysfunction is the norm. But I also know that I grew up a child of trauma from living in a house that was full of alcohol and drugs and infidelity. There was little emotional money in our family. I learned to be invisible. I learned that being lonely is very painful. I learned that despite abuse you just shut up and take it because you don't want anyone else to know your business. This was the ammunition I left home with. It didn't feel natural or true, but it was all I had.

In all my relationships I think I have tried to show my true colors, but fear of rejection and abandonment have always loomed near the surface. All people want to be loved and accepted. If someone tells you otherwise then they are lying. Isolation is a defense mechanism. It takes away the opportunity for someone to hurt you because you are not present to be hurt.

This year has been emotionally challenging for me as many of you have read on this blog in previous posts. It takes a lot from me to be able to share my pain and my misgivings with whomever chooses to read about it and I put myself in this position because I want to grow. I do it because maybe I'm not alone in the world with the life I've lived and maybe, just maybe, I can help someone else not feel alone in their pain by sharing.

I have realized that I am not ready to be in a relationship. I really do have so much work to do on myself and that requires space and time. But the hopeful thing that woman said in her video was that she recognized in her journey of working on herself that she had attracted the most amazing and creative people in her life. That was something to be excited about and despite attracting all these great men, the one meant for her had not shown up yet.  I have always loved the quote "Good things come to those who wait." I don't take the waiting to be something idle, but more like a patient observation of the world; a gathering of information and self-education.

So I've been single for 16 months. I have learned a lot, but not quite enough to feel whole yet. Thank you to all who have read my posts and watch me melt down in a public forum. Thanks for coming back over and over again. I hope life treats you all kindly. Much love.

Aleathia

And the Lessons Keep Rolling In....

Aleathia says:

The weekend was long an crushing at work. The moon.  Oh dear lord, that giant moon made everyone a little crazy. Exhaustion is a mild word for what I felt when I finally went horizontal last night. As per usual, I scrolled social media and then YouTube. When I'm tired I watch strange things like poorly made videos on MBTI personalities or people dancing or men doing stupid things to test out ideas. It's relaxing and helps me fall asleep.

Last night I came across a video in the feed titled (loosely) 5 things women do that make you look desperate by Kevin Hick. I bit the hook, because let's be real...I'm lousy at dating, especially dating at 45. I can't tell you how much my heart sunk. I didn't qualify on all five things, but I had two or three of these desperate actions in my back pocket. Do you know how awful it is to sit and watch a video about this sort of thing and have to shake your head up and down in agreement? It is sad, but if you are living your life you have to take this moments of truth and do something with them.

As background, I met this really cool guy. We were at a bar and had 3 hours of INTERESTING conversation ie I wasn't bored out of my mind. He gave me his number, I gave him mine. He asked me to go back to his place to hang out. I really don't do that sort of thing. I tend to be super cautious, but there were many mutual friends that connected us and my guard was down. I had a great time there too and though I stayed the night, there was no sex. I left his place still interested....and here is where it all went sideways.

I can be an intense person and I can get hyper focused. I know this about myself. This night was the first time anyone has shown me an affection or interest in a year. After life with a narcissist, I had really sworn off dating or letting anyone get that close to me again, especially someone who lives in my town. But this guy had something that made me start chucking bricks off the wall. Maybe it was the beautiful feeling that I could actually be attracted to another human again? Maybe it was the joy of physical sensation for the first time in a year? I'm not sure, but whoa, I went overboard.

I am realizing now that what I did looked really desperate. Like crazy ass bitch desperate. I felt like I was showing my heart, but maybe I was just showing my crazy. His response to all of this was "I don't have time for this" which of course pissed me off and made me feel like a very small being. I actually cried. But let's look at this closely! I hung out for one night. No sex was exchanged. No commitment made. Nothing but a nice time that I wanted to stay nice. I got angry and deleted his number from my phone. I deleted him on social media (but not from messenger) and then just had to see him around town and shoot random, strange messages.

I feel it is all so awkward now and it's sad because he is a very interesting person that I truly would like to hang out with, but I'm sure I soiled the ground where any seed could be planted for that to happen. The funny thing is that I'm not looking for a serious relationship in the sense that I want to be coupled or have a live in. There is still so much work (obviously) to be done on myself and that requires private space and time that I am afforded being single and having my own home. What I want is someone to have fun with, share some laughs, have deep conversations, and maybe travel with. I am not sure how that is accomplished in this day and age. When you spend your life being a serial monogamist it is hard to know what to do outside of that even when it isn't something you actually want.

So to all the ladies and gents out there hitting the bricks in your 40's, stay cool. Try not to over think it. Relax. Laugh more. Be yourself. And take life a little LESS seriously. I took one for the team on this one.

Thanks for reading,
Aleathia