The weekend was long an crushing at work. The moon. Oh dear lord, that giant moon made everyone a little crazy. Exhaustion is a mild word for what I felt when I finally went horizontal last night. As per usual, I scrolled social media and then YouTube. When I'm tired I watch strange things like poorly made videos on MBTI personalities or people dancing or men doing stupid things to test out ideas. It's relaxing and helps me fall asleep.
Last night I came across a video in the feed titled (loosely) 5 things women do that make you look desperate by Kevin Hick. I bit the hook, because let's be real...I'm lousy at dating, especially dating at 45. I can't tell you how much my heart sunk. I didn't qualify on all five things, but I had two or three of these desperate actions in my back pocket. Do you know how awful it is to sit and watch a video about this sort of thing and have to shake your head up and down in agreement? It is sad, but if you are living your life you have to take this moments of truth and do something with them.
As background, I met this really cool guy. We were at a bar and had 3 hours of INTERESTING conversation ie I wasn't bored out of my mind. He gave me his number, I gave him mine. He asked me to go back to his place to hang out. I really don't do that sort of thing. I tend to be super cautious, but there were many mutual friends that connected us and my guard was down. I had a great time there too and though I stayed the night, there was no sex. I left his place still interested....and here is where it all went sideways.
I can be an intense person and I can get hyper focused. I know this about myself. This night was the first time anyone has shown me an affection or interest in a year. After life with a narcissist, I had really sworn off dating or letting anyone get that close to me again, especially someone who lives in my town. But this guy had something that made me start chucking bricks off the wall. Maybe it was the beautiful feeling that I could actually be attracted to another human again? Maybe it was the joy of physical sensation for the first time in a year? I'm not sure, but whoa, I went overboard.
I am realizing now that what I did looked really desperate. Like crazy ass bitch desperate. I felt like I was showing my heart, but maybe I was just showing my crazy. His response to all of this was "I don't have time for this" which of course pissed me off and made me feel like a very small being. I actually cried. But let's look at this closely! I hung out for one night. No sex was exchanged. No commitment made. Nothing but a nice time that I wanted to stay nice. I got angry and deleted his number from my phone. I deleted him on social media (but not from messenger) and then just had to see him around town and shoot random, strange messages.
I feel it is all so awkward now and it's sad because he is a very interesting person that I truly would like to hang out with, but I'm sure I soiled the ground where any seed could be planted for that to happen. The funny thing is that I'm not looking for a serious relationship in the sense that I want to be coupled or have a live in. There is still so much work (obviously) to be done on myself and that requires private space and time that I am afforded being single and having my own home. What I want is someone to have fun with, share some laughs, have deep conversations, and maybe travel with. I am not sure how that is accomplished in this day and age. When you spend your life being a serial monogamist it is hard to know what to do outside of that even when it isn't something you actually want.
So to all the ladies and gents out there hitting the bricks in your 40's, stay cool. Try not to over think it. Relax. Laugh more. Be yourself. And take life a little LESS seriously. I took one for the team on this one.
Thanks for reading,
Aleathia
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