I this morning I wake to the blood curdling sound of our dog howling. This isn't a cry of pain, but more of a hey guys are you getting up? I have to pee. I am hungry.
I am tucked nicely in my warm bed next to the man I love. The house is quiet, save the dog, and the urge to just ignore my responsibility is great. I get up and I am immediately disgruntled. The dog and I had a rough time the day before. He challenged me around every corner, made messes, whined for no reason, and would not leave me alone. I carried around a resentment for him all day and night and woke with it this morning.
I suited up for the brisk morning air and put on his harness and leash. I put my headphones on because I wanted to shut out the world. I was in a grumpy ass mood because I had to walk this dog. I wanted more time to rest, to be free from responsibility before the day started. Then I heard this song:
Bonnie Prince Billy-I Came to Hear the Music
"The years become a moment in the ever-changing sand, Did God make time to keep it all from happening at once?"
Now I don't believe in God, but this particular line spoke miles to me. It suddenly said to me "form is emptiness; emptiness is form". I shut the music off and I said my morning prayer:
To the Buddha, the Dharma, and the Supreme Assembly
I go for refuge until enlightenment is reached.
May all beings have happiness and the root of happiness,
be free from suffering and the root of suffering,
May they never be separate from the great happiness,
devoid of suffering,
May they live in equanimity
free from passion aggression and partiality.
After this I noticed the sun bursting from behind the clouds after many days of rain; the burgeoning river; the trees coming to life and the smell of flowers; the dew on raspberry leaves.
I realized at that moment that my problem had not been with the dog yesterday or today, but more rooted in the anxiety of having our first official house guest in our new home. I spent the day cleaning and prepping so the house would look perfect for people I have never met before. I was worried about what they would think of me based on how I keep my house. I had to laugh at myself because in the grand scheme of things in the world this is something that doesn't matter, not to anyone. It should not matter to me. It should not have had power to put me in such a foul mood for days masqueraded as anger at the dog. He does nothing but love me and find ways to gain my attention which I apparently had forgotten to give.
So today's lesson is about the bigger picture and patience and freeing myself from the need to be thought well of in a manner of social class. My life is good, as good as I make it.
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