A Fruitful Season

Aleathia says:

Wow.  It has been a good long time since I have sat down to write on this old blog.  It isn't because I don't love it, but I have been super busy. There have been concerts, Pokemon Go, work, gardening, and prepping to go back to school.

Today I was picking tomatoes from my garden and thinking about my parents.  Both of them are gone now and it breaks my heart on the daily, but I can't go back and change time.  It just isn't possible. What I have loved about this summer has been these damn tomatoes.  For years I could never grow them.  They wouldn't come up from seed and if I bought plants they would give me one sad tomato or the animals would eat the flowers at night. I had decided that I was never going to grow them again, but then my parents passed away. Though they had not been together for over 30 years or more, they were both fantastic at growing tomatoes. I was envious of this talent. I can grow so many things, but why not tomatoes?

This year Chloe helped me plant everything. Over our seedlings we talked about when she was little and she helped her Nana in the garden and how she would let her sneak warm cherry tomatoes from the vine. I caught her doing this just yesterday and she always looks so happy when she is eating them. We also remembered our time with Grandpa Jim when, for a week, she helped him water the tomatoes every night just the two of them. I wanted to grow tomatoes this year for Chloe. I guess I wanted to grow them for me too.

Every day I am out there watering them, yelling at them for not standing up straight, thinking about my parents, and smiling in my heart at the fact that they actually came to fruit. It gives me time everyday to think of my parents in a good way, to not have such a heavy heart. As I write this, my little Tasty Treat tomatoes are on the dehydrator because there are so damn many they are coming out my ears.  This way I will have them through the year for sauces and pasta dishes and sun-dried tomato pesto.

I had wanted to get a tattoo to tribute my love for my mom and dad. It has been hard trying to decide if I wanted something separate to honor them as individuals or something collective.  I have decided on something simple.  One cherry tomato...nice and red with its green leaves.  It is something for the both of them.  Something they both loved to grow.  Something that gave them peace in their hearts when they were doing it.

Life is moving forward.  I am sad still, but there is so much more in the world to see and do. As Pema Chodron said in a talk on fear and fearlessness:

"Every moment is fresh. You can never go back to the moment before."

Aleathia

Spinning Wheels

Aleathia says:

This Sunday was a hard shift...busy and acute and short handed, but this is nothing new.  Night shift is notorious for doing more with so much less.  Those of us who brave it, who commit to the lifestyle understand we are a different breed of human.  We sleep when the sun is up (if we sleep at all), we are bossy and courageous, we hardly get time to eat or go to the bathroom, and we often laugh away the pain we feel every second we are at work.  It is hard to explain to day people...to "normal" folk because it is something you have to live.  It sinks into your bones and replicates.

When I set out to be a nurse I had a plan for myself.  I started on the night shift because it was available and because I decided it afforded me the most time with my child.  I would miss the sleeping hours and the school hours.  For the last 12 years this has worked for me, but as my body gets older and my patience a little shorter, I find it harder and harder to work the shift.  I love the ER and I have really put my blood, sweat, and tears into the place.  My mind is always cranking out ideas on how we could make it better and more efficient....how it could be a better place for everyone that works there.

In the last few months, there was talk of maybe adding an assistant manager to the unit and that position would encompass much of the work I already do for my boss outside of my job duties.  I have loved doing this extra work because it meant I was helping my manager who really wants great things for us and it gave me a sense of passion about moving forward.  In my mind, I know I could do this position.  I have certain strengths that would elevate what my manager is already doing.  I have a certain gift for organization and numbers, but this morning, reality set in.

The position requires the person to be an RN, preferably a BSN, or on the degree track with attainment in a set amount of time.  I knew this a month ago, but I really had pulled the wool over my own eyes thinking the world was a different place and that the experience, passion, and groundwork already achieved would be enough.  It isn't.

It sort of crushed me today to realize that what I have to offer doesn't mean anything to upper management because I don't have a string of letters behind my name.  I could get a degree, but I don't want it just to make someone else happy.  I also don't want to be on the fast track to run the unit.  In this phase of my life I want to be working towards more time with my family, not less.  I cried a little today understanding that my inherent gifts can't be validated.

I have never been the one to fit in anyway.  I have been on the fringe of everything for my lifetime. I'm generally an observer and this time I threw myself out into the center ring.  Sometimes you have to jump.  Sometimes you fall.  My reactionary heart got the best of me today.  I was angry at so many things.  I wanted to quit my job.  I wanted to stop doing all the extra things I do and I still might.  I miss taking care of patients.  I miss having that little section of the unit that is my bubble and I can concentrate on giving great care instead of running around trying to keep the unit together.

I just want to have a full life...not full of just one thing over the other, but a well rounded and loving life.  In the end, as much as I would have wanted that position, it is a blessing to not be in the running for it.  This means I get to jump off the wheel a bit and keep focus on what truly matters....love and life and my two best people in the world who never let me down.