Thanks Everyone!!

Aleathia says:

Sometime when I wasn't paying attention this good old blog crossed the 10,000 hits mark!  Thank you to everyone who reads this blog still.  It is sporadic, but that isn't unlike my current state of being. I appreciate you immensely for sharing in my interests, my life, and my emotional roller coaster. It is always nice to know you aren't alone even if it is distant friends and strangers keeping tabs.

Today I sat down to write about waking up and cleaning up.  The last few years have been especially rough for me as you know and though I thought I was handling it well, I can see that I did not fair as well as I imagined.  Maybe that was my armor for the grief and pain?  The last few months have found me waking up to living again...to enjoying all the greatness in my life.  This is what it is all about right?  Being thankful for what you have worked for and for the good graces you've been given?  These notions slip away from me from time to time.

A few neat things happened this week.  It is the town's annual Glass Fest and usually the signal that tourist season is starting and that we won't be able to walk the glass museum in peace nor will be able to go to dinner without a huge wait.  It does the small business owners a favor, it makes the locals kinda grumpy.  It just means I save money in the summer.  We braved the festival Friday night and had plans to eat out (had some great BBQ) and then go to our favorite bar (Hand + Foot) but it was packed to the gills.  There was no place to sit and really no place to stand, so we decided to pick up a new bourbon and sit in the AC and watch The Leftovers.

On our walk to the local liquor store, Michael saw someone he knows from his job and they were chatting a bit.  The man was telling us about this book he read by a Japanese woman about keeping a tidy house, essentially about getting rid of all the things that do not bring you joy.  After he talked about this and moved on to something else, I was stuck with this thought of all the things I have that clutter up my life which gives me anxiety.  I move them from pile to pile but never get rid of anything.

Later that night, we both talked about how beneficial it would be to do this and about how much more space we would have in the house.  Mostly, how free we would feel.  In the last few weeks, we have been having these talks about being more self-sustaining and about how much waste we generate.  Like most others, we get caught up in the typical American dream which consists of mass consumption and over consumption.  Growing up we both had little and now we can afford to have a lot, but we don't really need it....maybe only psychologically.  So in between episodes he put that book on hold at the library so that we might get some first hand details about the process.

I am impatient.  Today, without the book, I started on my own section of the closet and the drawers.  I am not sure any of my clothes bring me "joy".  If I got rid of things on this basis, I would be naked all the time and let me tell you, you don't want that.  I thought about it awhile to decide how I would pick which clothes to keep and which to get rid of.  A few days prior Michael had told me that he feels like I never let myself rest and that I always have to be moving as if I were not comfortable in my own skin.

There was never a truer statement in my whole life.  I have never felt comfortable in this body...even when it looked good.  I have always felt like it was a sloppy house where I stored all the great things in my life: love, generosity, caring, laughter, sorrow, creativity, intelligence.  When I look in the mirror I often don't understand why the outside of me looks like it does, because my vision is different.  When I am home I don't care much about what the outside looks like, but when I go places, I have nothing but fear and anxiety about how I look.  That people will wrongly judge the great things about me, because I am overweight or don't wear popular clothes.  I could spend every day in yoga pants and a t-shirt and have joy.

So when I started to sort the clothes I asked myself "am I comfortable in public in this?"  There was a lot of emotions happening in this process.  There was truth, honesty, and letting go.  There were options for re-purposing now that I know how to sew.  There were upcycling clothes to my kid.  In my closet and drawers I now have space.  Things aren't crammed together and the drawers aren't overflowing.  I can find what I wear all the time without having to upturn everything.  Don't get me wrong.  The struggle was real.  The truth that I am not and probably never will be as thin as I hope to be.  I love food.  It loves me.  To take away cooking and baking would really destroy something beautiful and heart-felt in my life.  So from this day forward I have to make better choices and not be so damn hard on myself about everything.

As of this posting, we have half of my daughter's room dug out of clothes.  She had items from the 3rd grade still circulating.  She is going into 9th.  See what I have created?

Thanks again for reading.  Thanks for being wonderful people.  Happy Memorial Day.  Remember some folks who gave their lives so that we could live ours.  We owe them that at least.

Aleathia

Happy Nurses Day and Happy Mother's Day

Aleathia says:

This week in Nurse's week.  I usually don't fall into much ado about it, but maybe I should.  In July, it will mark my 12th year as a nurse.  Two years on the surgical floor and 10 years in the ER.  All of these years have been spent working the night shift.

Night nurses are a different breed.  They are headstrong, opinionated, insane, hard-working, bare bones-by-the-seat-of-your-pants, take action, tell it like it is nurses.  They are full of compassion too, but above all they want what is right for you whether it is what you want to hear or not.  Healthcare isn't the drive-up at McDonald's.  What you want isn't always good for you.  If you come in at night, be prepared for the truth without sugar coating.

I have a wonderful team of nurses that I work with.  Some of them I have known my whole career and some just a few years, but in this span of time they have taught me so much about my job, about people, about healthcare, and about myself.  There isn't another group of people I would rather work with.  We save lives together.  We cry together. We laugh together.  We are delirious together.  And somehow, we don't judge each other in these states.  The job is hard emotionally, physically, and mentally.  We spend long shifts away from our families.  We miss games and concerts and holidays. Our families always miss us, but we come to work each day hoping to make a difference.

In my career so far, I have helped thousands of people, most of which will never remember me. This is ok.  I didn't become a nurse to be famous or recognized.  In my career, I have seen three children die and helped deliver a baby in the parking lot.  These are the deepest scars and joys of my life. They can still make me cry just thinking about them, so I don't.  But these wounds were never suffered alone.  We suffered as a team.  We held each other silently as we toughened our exteriors a little more.

On this Nurse's Day, I wanted to thank all the wonderful men and women I work with.  We are a team.  We are a family.  I am not sure I thank you all enough for everything that you do, but know that I would have never made it this far without your love and support and knowledge.  My ER group are some of the most intelligent, hard-working people I have ever met.  They do me proud every day.

Happy Nurse's Day.  I love you all.

Now for Mother's Day.

This will be the 3rd year without my mother and it is the one that hurts the worst.  It took me several years to stop being angry over her death....to stop blaming her and hating her.  There was so much unfinished business between us, so many things I wanted to share.  I simply wasn't ready.  I am not sure anyone ever is, but it was poof and she was gone.

I miss hearing her voice and her laugh.  I miss her smile.  I miss hearing her call me "Sweet Pea".

Today, Chloe and I planted our first tomatoes.  Both my mother and my father loved to grow them and this year we honor them with their planting.  Chloe loved to garden with my mother.  It is by far her most favorite memories of her and for this, I am so glad.

To all my friends who are mothers:

Thank you for being brave every day.  Thank you for raising good, nice, honest, intelligent children. I honestly believe their future starts in our hands.  We have to be good examples and I see all the wonderful work you are doing and it makes me smile.

To myself:

Go easy on yourself.  You are doing a good job.  You aren't perfect and that is a great thing to show your daughter.  Keep loving her even if she seems like she doesn't want you too.  Keep being tough in all the right places and soft in all the right places.  Show her the world.  Keep telling her the truth. Pat yourself on the back for finally giving her the life you always dreamed you could have yourself. Remember to let her be herself.  Remember to let her fail and be there to tell her she will get it right next time.  Cherish all moments.

Happy Mother's Day.