Sometime when I wasn't paying attention this good old blog crossed the 10,000 hits mark! Thank you to everyone who reads this blog still. It is sporadic, but that isn't unlike my current state of being. I appreciate you immensely for sharing in my interests, my life, and my emotional roller coaster. It is always nice to know you aren't alone even if it is distant friends and strangers keeping tabs.
Today I sat down to write about waking up and cleaning up. The last few years have been especially rough for me as you know and though I thought I was handling it well, I can see that I did not fair as well as I imagined. Maybe that was my armor for the grief and pain? The last few months have found me waking up to living again...to enjoying all the greatness in my life. This is what it is all about right? Being thankful for what you have worked for and for the good graces you've been given? These notions slip away from me from time to time.
A few neat things happened this week. It is the town's annual Glass Fest and usually the signal that tourist season is starting and that we won't be able to walk the glass museum in peace nor will be able to go to dinner without a huge wait. It does the small business owners a favor, it makes the locals kinda grumpy. It just means I save money in the summer. We braved the festival Friday night and had plans to eat out (had some great BBQ) and then go to our favorite bar (Hand + Foot) but it was packed to the gills. There was no place to sit and really no place to stand, so we decided to pick up a new bourbon and sit in the AC and watch The Leftovers.
On our walk to the local liquor store, Michael saw someone he knows from his job and they were chatting a bit. The man was telling us about this book he read by a Japanese woman about keeping a tidy house, essentially about getting rid of all the things that do not bring you joy. After he talked about this and moved on to something else, I was stuck with this thought of all the things I have that clutter up my life which gives me anxiety. I move them from pile to pile but never get rid of anything.
Later that night, we both talked about how beneficial it would be to do this and about how much more space we would have in the house. Mostly, how free we would feel. In the last few weeks, we have been having these talks about being more self-sustaining and about how much waste we generate. Like most others, we get caught up in the typical American dream which consists of mass consumption and over consumption. Growing up we both had little and now we can afford to have a lot, but we don't really need it....maybe only psychologically. So in between episodes he put that book on hold at the library so that we might get some first hand details about the process.
I am impatient. Today, without the book, I started on my own section of the closet and the drawers. I am not sure any of my clothes bring me "joy". If I got rid of things on this basis, I would be naked all the time and let me tell you, you don't want that. I thought about it awhile to decide how I would pick which clothes to keep and which to get rid of. A few days prior Michael had told me that he feels like I never let myself rest and that I always have to be moving as if I were not comfortable in my own skin.
There was never a truer statement in my whole life. I have never felt comfortable in this body...even when it looked good. I have always felt like it was a sloppy house where I stored all the great things in my life: love, generosity, caring, laughter, sorrow, creativity, intelligence. When I look in the mirror I often don't understand why the outside of me looks like it does, because my vision is different. When I am home I don't care much about what the outside looks like, but when I go places, I have nothing but fear and anxiety about how I look. That people will wrongly judge the great things about me, because I am overweight or don't wear popular clothes. I could spend every day in yoga pants and a t-shirt and have joy.
So when I started to sort the clothes I asked myself "am I comfortable in public in this?" There was a lot of emotions happening in this process. There was truth, honesty, and letting go. There were options for re-purposing now that I know how to sew. There were upcycling clothes to my kid. In my closet and drawers I now have space. Things aren't crammed together and the drawers aren't overflowing. I can find what I wear all the time without having to upturn everything. Don't get me wrong. The struggle was real. The truth that I am not and probably never will be as thin as I hope to be. I love food. It loves me. To take away cooking and baking would really destroy something beautiful and heart-felt in my life. So from this day forward I have to make better choices and not be so damn hard on myself about everything.
As of this posting, we have half of my daughter's room dug out of clothes. She had items from the 3rd grade still circulating. She is going into 9th. See what I have created?
Thanks again for reading. Thanks for being wonderful people. Happy Memorial Day. Remember some folks who gave their lives so that we could live ours. We owe them that at least.
Aleathia
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