It sounds cliche, right? The Journey of Me. I'm so important. Pffft. This has been the problem my whole life is that I have never felt important at all. I have felt as if my contribution to the world was invisible to everyone but me. And then, if I felt I had done something important noticing it and giving myself credit brought on a cycle of guilt.
How does one get to this place in life? I surely didn't ask to be here and most of the people I surround myself with in present time do not perpetuate this behavior. The line "you can't teach an old dog new tricks" comes to mind. That is my first thought of myself. Old dog. I know my early environment was rocky living all over the country, never setting roots, having parents who drank too much or partied too much. It makes a kid grow up early and forget how beautiful the freedom of loving yourself can feel.
It was a long work night last night and I have not physically felt well. Drained, tired, apathetic, bloated, overweight, and unsure of the future. It is the recipe of stress. I woke this afternoon feeling like I wanted to cry. Do I really have to get up? I got up to an empty house and felt more alone than ever. February is the longest month when you feel like this. I went to the sewing room with plans of getting a few hours of sewing in before work. I fixed a few items that were already purchased, but then the sewing machine stopped talking to me. I just sat there staring at it.
On my phone was playing a strange video string that I picked up on Reddit of some Australian guy with dating tips. I thought about what a racket it was because this dude was hot and what chick wouldn't want to go to a several hour seminar and stare at a hot guy telling them how to pick up hot guys? Come on ladies. But I am a sucker for an accent and watched a few minutes. The baseline of some of the things he said was true, but it still felt like a ruse. This strangely lead into looking up yoga videos. This is how my mind works folks. Hang on.
I love yoga. I don't do it enough and it is as if I am denying myself the physical pleasure of truly relaxing and letting go. It is as if I just can't stand the thought of feeling good in my own body. The more fat you have the more insulated you are to take insults or pain or stress or tragedy. The thicker you are the least amount of people can get to you; they build an aversion to you. I sit here writing this and think that is the saddest thing I have ever said about myself. So, I looked for a yoga video...something short and not too shaming.
Day One of Yoga Camp with Adriene. Such a cute, tiny little lady and I was prepared to feel a bit too fat and a bit to ugly, but this lady was lovely. She asked me to trust her. What? I don't know you, I thought. She said today you are going to accept where your body is right now, at this moment. Yeah, fat and stiff and old. Trust me she said. Close your eyes. But, I'm watching your video. Close your eyes and breathe. Remember to let go of all the things holding your body in places it doesn't want to be. Breathe. Trust me. Accept where you are right now and know that you deserve to be there.
30 minutes later I am lying on the floor in savasana smiling....feeling beautiful, feeling happy I trusted this skinny girl with the big heart and the creaky wooden floor beneath her. I realized in that moment that I am so full of judgement not just about other people but about myself. It is so easy to do and so hard to take back. Today, I start the journey of me. Who is Aleathia? What does she stand for? Will she love herself more at the end of each day? I sure hope so.
Aleathia
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