Addiction is a cruel habit. It is a millstone around an individuals neck and around the necks of everyone who cares for that person. Inside, the addicted person knows right from wrong. There are choices they wish to make, but are unable. Sometimes the places we escape to are more powerful than reality and this is a certain truth.
Sadly this week I lost my Uncle Ted to a drug overdose. He was nearly 70 and it gripped him for most of his life. It kept him from his family, from experiencing the world he loved so much, from a first person point of view. My heart goes out to what little family I have left. We have all suffered so much loss, anger, and grief.
But today, I want to share my memories of Ted as he was intelligent, funny, creative, and such a bright light. We all go through life a bit lost hoping to be found. We are not all so lucky.
Ted was my step-father's oldest brother. He was a clown. One of the funniest people I have ever met. I became included into this large Italian family at the age of 6 and spent a good amount of my youth at family gatherings and playing with cousins. I was the oldest and watching my young cousins often fell on me. Ted's children, Josh and Jerica, are two of my favorite beings. Josh funny and talented, Jerica sweet and loving. In our days in the desert, we were all inseparable. My brother was about 1-2 years old then and they all followed me around like ducklings. I loved them all as if they were my own children.
In those days, we were lonely children as all of our parents were addicted to something. We had each other. We had collective pain and joy. We had each other. I cannot speak of Ted without thinking of these two great humans. In all their trials and tribulations with Ted, they have managed to lead productive lives. They are survivors. They are champions.
Ted was incarcerated several times for his addiction. I remember the first time he was released, he came home to Upstate NY. Much of the family was here and it was our hope to look after him as he re-entered the world. I remember at 15 years old, instead of hanging out with my friends, I would go to AA meetings with him because no one else would. I wanted him to be successful. I had missed how he treated me like I had my own opinions in the world, opinions that mattered. But one drink leads to another and as the barrier of caring got lower, drugs got closer. He stayed awhile longer in NY before moving out with other family in Arizona. Here, he was incarcerated for the same thing as before.
Over the years of his last incarceration we became good friends. I wrote him letters, he wrote me back. We talked of politics and literature and poetry. I sent him books by James Baldwin. We talked about family. I shared my life with him. In my days of publishing in the small press, I even published an article by him. I would send him books. He read every issue of Durable Goods and passed them along in prison. We had a nice friendship.
In 2009, my daughter and I went to Arizona to visit Josh and Jerica and other family. While we were there, I made arrangements to visit Ted in prison. I brought my 8 year old there with me. I got a lot of flack from family and friends for exposing her to such a place, but despite those people's crimes, do you think they don't want to be loved? I brought her there for many reasons. I wanted her to see what crime gets you both physically and emotionally. I wanted her to see that despite Ted's crime, he was a warm and loving man with so much to say. I remember on the shuttle bus from the entrance to the visiting area, as we left the bus, my child looked at the driver (an inmate) and said "thank you sir and have a nice day". The driver's eyes got misty. When was the last time someone recognized him as a man, as a human being? These things would tell me much of her character later in life.
As I write this, it dawns on me that the time my daughter met Ted in prison was the only time she ever saw him in her life. She remembers that visit with fondness and any time after if I spoke of him, her face would light up. They had a small time together and he talked to her like he had always talked to me. This was important to a small girl as it is to everyone. We all want to be seen.
After Ted's current release, he got his own place for the first time in 18 years. He had started to build his relationships back with his children and grandchild. He was learning the world of Facebook and reconnecting with long lost school mates and friends. Before his death, he had a new job working with plants which he loved and things seemed to be moving forward. But addiction is hard. You are never really cured of it whether you are addicted to drugs, alcohol, food, sex, or doing something the same way every time. It takes a tremendous strength to win. You have to want it more than anything.
My heart goes out to Josh and Jerica and their family. I know this loss. It is painful. Love each other fully everyday. The cliche that is time is fleeting isn't untrue. Ask yourself what really matters to you. Do the things you always dreamed of before it's too late.
If you know someone with addiction let them know there is someone always ready to listen:
Addiction and Alcohol Hotline 1-844-244-3171
Thanks for reading.
Aleathia
