To All the Single Ladies.....

Aleathia says:

This weekend at work was very testing. There was a fire, it was super busy and we worked short, and then the last day all the patients were dramatic and challenging. It about near sucked the life out of me. Each night before I go to sleep I scroll through the YouTube feed to see if anything interesting pops up. Sometimes I find great new music or an interesting TED talk. Sometimes I watch weird surveys or dance videos.

This weekend I came upon a video of a woman who was celebrating her 7th year of being single. Her definition of single being not in a dedicated, notated relationship that would be called a couple. She had gone on dates and had many situations, but still single. This woman was beautiful and thin and the first thing I thought was "I'm doomed". But rather than shut the video off, I kept watching to see WHY she was celebrating this milestone. She also has a website called The Problem with Dating.

She talked about having been in a string of ongoing or steady relationships for more than 10 years and all of which ended poorly. After the last one she realized that she had a lot of personal work to do on herself before she could be in a couple and maintain a healthy, functional relationship with another human being. She talked about how if you are wanting to be in a relationship to validate your existence in the world, you aren't ready. If you are in a relationship so you aren't lonely, you aren't ready. If you are in a relationship so you fit in with your friend's and family's expectations of you, you aren't ready.

This sort of hit me like a ton of bricks. I consider myself to be very observant and marginally intelligent. Why had I not thought of this before? How come I could not see this? It is very interesting to me how I could trick myself into thinking all my actions were valid in the past. I'm not going to be horrid to myself about it. I was young. I was without information that was vital to moving around in this world.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family and this isn't a singular badge. I know that so many of us do and in this day and age I'm sure dysfunction is the norm. But I also know that I grew up a child of trauma from living in a house that was full of alcohol and drugs and infidelity. There was little emotional money in our family. I learned to be invisible. I learned that being lonely is very painful. I learned that despite abuse you just shut up and take it because you don't want anyone else to know your business. This was the ammunition I left home with. It didn't feel natural or true, but it was all I had.

In all my relationships I think I have tried to show my true colors, but fear of rejection and abandonment have always loomed near the surface. All people want to be loved and accepted. If someone tells you otherwise then they are lying. Isolation is a defense mechanism. It takes away the opportunity for someone to hurt you because you are not present to be hurt.

This year has been emotionally challenging for me as many of you have read on this blog in previous posts. It takes a lot from me to be able to share my pain and my misgivings with whomever chooses to read about it and I put myself in this position because I want to grow. I do it because maybe I'm not alone in the world with the life I've lived and maybe, just maybe, I can help someone else not feel alone in their pain by sharing.

I have realized that I am not ready to be in a relationship. I really do have so much work to do on myself and that requires space and time. But the hopeful thing that woman said in her video was that she recognized in her journey of working on herself that she had attracted the most amazing and creative people in her life. That was something to be excited about and despite attracting all these great men, the one meant for her had not shown up yet.  I have always loved the quote "Good things come to those who wait." I don't take the waiting to be something idle, but more like a patient observation of the world; a gathering of information and self-education.

So I've been single for 16 months. I have learned a lot, but not quite enough to feel whole yet. Thank you to all who have read my posts and watch me melt down in a public forum. Thanks for coming back over and over again. I hope life treats you all kindly. Much love.

Aleathia

It's Time to Start Living

Aleathia says:

Today is the first day of 11th grade for my kiddo and for some reason I spent the morning crying like it was the first day of kindergarten. I'm an emotional woman. I have always been. Often it is too my detriment, but more often than not it allows me to read people, to feel for them, to care for them, and to understand with some deep notion the tragedy they go through. I am also an inward thinker. I think about everything in a manner not unlike a chess player. Every move I make changes the direction of my life. New things that come alone by surprise have often derail me and cause me to make catastrophic choices. I like to collect information and make decisions based on this information mixed with my flood of feelings. It's like a balance I have built for myself.

This morning it struck me that soon my kid will leave me. The life she chooses to lead is before her and this is a free flowing, carefree type of kid. We are the opposite in this manner and we have worked hard to see how the same events strike us differently. Mostly, she just laughs at me when I'm wound up like a top over something and this is enough to make me see I've jumped overboard without a life vest again. Today I waited until she left for school and once again I was alone in this big house. One day this alone time won't be broken by end of school stories and snacks, by laughter, by deep conversations or gossip. It will take on loneliness.

Though my last relationship was an utter disaster that I am so happy to be out of, it had given me the sense that I would live out my endgame of life with someone by my side to share adventures with. The ending of that relationship may not have been so much the loss of the person, but the loss of the vision I had created for myself. The vision that I would not die alone. I am given the usual pieces of advise. Get out there and mingle. Add more activities to your day. Open up.  These are all valid and lovely words to live by, but the problem, is me.

I work tirelessly on my personality. I am not trying to be someone I'm not, but I am trying to find the outer limits of myself. I am trying to find that confident woman. I am trying to find the tiny extrovert that lives in this introvert's heart. I am trying to find a way to love again without being afraid.  The problem is whether or not I will find these things before I'm 80....if I make it to 80.

I hope to move forward never taking anything in my life for granted. It is easy to do in this generation of everything is replaceable at a moment's notice. It's easy to look past one thing to another without considering its value and worth. This year has been about survival, about climbing out of holes and seeing the sun for the first time in a long time. Now, it's time to start living.

Thanks for reading.
Aleathia