The other day I called my grandmother on the anniversary of my mom's death. I didn't expect her to answer the phone....she never answers the phone, but that day she answered it on the second ring as if she were waiting for me. It was good to hear the sound of her voice despite the hint of sadness and mortality that hung out around the corners of her words.
We talked for over two hours and made plans for the summer when me and Chloe will go out and stay with her for awhile. We talked about how the year took its toll on us; how we missed her with a grain of salt. We loved my mom for sure, but she had done some nasty things to us in our lives and they linger just as heavy as the good times.
I realized in that phone call how much I am like my grandmother. We are patient, waiting women. We know in the end things will be ok if we keep our heads level and ride out the storm. She told me she was just coming out of the woods. She had been sleeping a lot to keep from the strange feelings that the ghost of my mother was following her around.
Grief is such a strange and wonderful experience. We learn to see and believe things we would not in a state of rational mind. I had the opposite problem as my grandmother. I felt like my mother was not around at all. In essence, I felt abandoned. I know this is simply a projection from my own grief that I had been carrying around while she was alive and then amplified when she died.
I spent a life time feeling alone in the presence of my mother because, as my grandmother said, we were completely opposite people. My mother was always moving. We decided it was because if she kept moving she would not have to stop to look at herself in the mirror and believe the truths that the rest of us already knew.
It was healing to share this perspective with my 82 year old grandmother. She is my favorite lady in the world. She has been my solitary comfort in the world as a child. She has always been where my heart considers home.
Today I move forward. Today I take my life back from the grips of grief. There is so much living to do...so much laughing to get at.
I want to thank all 30 of you that read this blog for putting up with my roller coaster of emotions over the last year. Thank you for suffering my posts about my dead mother and still coming back for the regularly scheduled programming. You have all allowed me to heal. You have made my journey a good one.
