Fall Apart, Come Together

Aleathia says:

Yesterday was pretty interesting....unexpected.  My friend Vicki gave me a ride home from work because I wanted to make sure Michael had the car for his 5 am shift.  She drove me home after an uneventful shift at work and sitting in my driveway we had a good old fashioned bitch session. It didn't make me feel better or worse about what we were discussing until the end.

Vicki said to me that in the end we are not obligated to the manager or the senior leadership, in the end we are obligated to the patient.  We are obligated to take care of them and care for them.  I sat there with that a minute.  I took it with me while I ate breakfast, while I fed the dog, while I took a shower, and as I fell asleep.  It was there when I woke up.

That evening Chloe came home from her father's and was kind of douchey.  Before she went to bed I called her out on it and she told me that her father had wanted her to string the lights on the Christmas tree this year and she was super proud to be able to get to do it.  She told me that he proceeded to criticize how she did it and then in the end, in front of her, took down all the lights she had strung and put them back up himself.  She told me she went in the bathroom to cry and he picked on her.  His obligation as a parent is to nurture and love her.  His obligation is to take care of her.

We stood in the hallway having cleared the air and she went to bed more sure of herself and with the knowledge that our tree would be more fun and less stressful.

Later that night, Michael and I had a few beers and started talking.  I talked about what Vicki had said and about what happened to Chloe.  I told him I am at the point in my job where I hate going there.  I feel on edge and burnt out and brimming with compassion fatigue.  Michael was good enough to remind me that there must be something wrong with me, because the conditions at my job hardly ever change and that he notices sometimes when I am centered and feeling strong the job never matters, but when something is wrong, it matters a lot.

I sat there with it trying not to cry in the bar.

I love this man so much.  He never lets me fall on my face or take for granted that I have all the control in the world over how I see and move through the universe.  I feel lost and I am not sure why. I do know that I have jumped on the wheel of samsara again and so here I spin around and around getting no where.  It might just be time to jump off again and find a place to sit.

Catch Me If You Can, I'm the Gingerbread Man

Aleathia says:

My first ever 5k race is quickly approaching.  This summer I started out with a couch to 5k program because for my whole life, even as a kid, I did not like running.  Why bother to run you ask?  This is a great question.

I had to think about it for a long time.  Why after a lifetime of not running do I want to start running at age 42?  I think there were a lot of subversive reasons for starting.  So many of my co-workers run and go off to events with each other.  They have this whole other life that I was not included in because I didn't run.  Most of the time I am not a joiner.  I have been a go at my own pace, loner type person for a long time.  Deep down like every other human in the world, I desire to belong to something.  I want acceptance.  I want to fit in.  Also as I age I am beginning to find that I am facing potential health problems that if not taken care of now, will render me pretty poor in the future.

I have rheumatoid arthritis, a thyroid problem, an ovarian problem, and a weight problem.  This combination creates pain of all kinds, blood pressure problems, and systemic stresses.  I hate taking medication and with all of these problems the medicines have started to find their way into my life and my body.  Frankly, it gives me the creeps.  I know, I work in the healthcare field, and maybe this is why it bothers me so much.  I see people younger than me who have just let life go and are on 20 medications.  It isn't the life I want to set before me.

I also wanted to prove something to myself.  For years I have told myself that I CAN'T run.  I'm too old or too fat or too arthritic.  This is not the attitude I was raised to have.  This is not the attitude I want to raise my daughter with.....if it's too hard, just give up.  This is not an option.

When I started running I was afraid of many things.  I was afraid I would have a stroke.  I was afraid of pain.  I was afraid people would judge me.  I was afraid to be secretly made fun of.  I was afraid of giving up under the pressure of it all.  But something amazing happened.

My running family at work is just that....a family.  Never once did they look at me funny when I started running.  Every one of them was there to encourage me to keep going, to keep trying.  I have lacked this sort of faithful encouragement my whole life.  If you look at me, I am not a runner, but never did the seasoned runners at work say a bad word.  If anything, they gave me hope.

Runners are a different breed of human.  They have to love and hate themselves at the same time because running hurts.  You use muscles you never knew you had.  The pain is sometimes so unbearable yet I find myself saying "one more block" or "five more minutes" because that is what Michelle would do or Stephanie would do or Karen would do.  They have been my champions. They have helped me fall in love with something that is teaching me about my own body, about my strengths and weaknesses, about my mental health, and how to be together with a history of people while still being very alone.

When I run, no matter where I run, people say things like "keep it up" or "great job".  It makes me want to push harder and achieve more.  It gives me a strength of spirit that I never expected.  Every run is a learning experience.  Every run I find my groove, sort of like Stella, but in a different way.

The Selfless Elf 5K is to benefit the Food Bank of the Southern Tier and as of today it has over 800 runners signed up.  We will be running to feed the people of our community and I can't think of a better thing to run for.  If you run or walk, you can still sign up to participate.

Richard Renaldi, Photographer

Aleathia says:

A week or so ago something ran through my FB feed.  You know how it goes...a constant stream of videos and meems and political opinions.  Mostly I skip over things if I look at all anymore.  It can be a complete mind suck at times.  However, there was a video posted from a major news network about a photographer named Richard Renaldi who went around the country taking pictures of strangers, together.

The concept is to place two or more complete strangers walking down the street in a photo together and have it seem as if they know each other.  The anxiety around this concept is palpable to me.  I can put myself in their places and understand what it must be like to put all of your beliefs and values...all your prejudices aside for a few moments and take this picture.

Many times these articles don't stick with me long enough to bring them to you.  Many times it is only momentarily inspiring, fleeting.  But I have been thinking about these photos, about these people and thought it would be something more people should see.

Richard Renaldi is a Chicago native who obtained a BFA in Photography from New York University. He has had his work shown all over the world and this year he was named a John Simon Guggenheim Memorial Fund Fellow.  You can visit his website for a listing of his shows and access to more of his collections.

Now I am proud to present some of Richard Renaldi's photographs from "Touching Strangers":

Andrea and Lillie, Chicago, 2013

Annalee and Rayqa, San Francisco, 2012

Chris and Amaira, Chicago, 2013

Ekeabong and Andrew, Venice, 2013

Elaine and Arly, New York, 2012

Hunter, Margaret, and Abigail, New York, 2013

Tari, Shawn, and Summer, Los Angeles, 2012

Every Road Has An Ending, poem

Every Road Has An Ending

Early morning rain spreads a sheen
over the new blacktop the city laid down
this summer after digging gas lines
through the neighborhood.

It smells of wet leaves
and mushrooms,
of endings and church bells,
of memories best left in the ground.

My legs move me up the hill,
heavy and tired, but still finding
the electrical impulses to fly one foot
ahead of the other. I feel all my years
on this earth in the bones of my grinding right hip.

I'm surrounded by gold leaves
and the sun warms the back of my head
without asking. The hills come alive for a minute,
surfacing beneath clouds that threaten
more rain and this makes me think of you.

You who've I've not consciously brought to mind in months,
you who I can't find in my heart to forgive for both living and dying,
for you who has left me in limbo one last time.

My nose runs and my eyes water
captured here, sun warmed and heart cold,
waiting for the winter gray that will swallow me
whole
again
and keep me from living in the moments
that matter most.

Aleathia Drehmer 2015