The Surprise (or Learning How to Be a Friend)

Aleathia says:

     A few weeks ago I was asked by one of the people in my writer’s group to go to a concert. No big deal, right?

     Wrong.

     Let me lay the groundwork for you. I’m nice, but awkward. I have a hard time making friends because trust is a hurdle for me. I am nice to everyone and I can carry a conversation if you start it. I understand the basics of friendship, but in my life I have had about 5 true friends. These are people that get me. They put up with my social ineptitude time and again. They make me feel worth it.

     Anyway, the concert. So on the outside this woman and I don’t appear like we should be friends. Read that sentence again, it’s petty, I know. As you may have seen from other blogs, I am working on shedding a life based on body image. I’m not there yet. I have spent a life handing out forgiveness for being too awkward or too fat or insert-something-that-annoys-another here. You can teach an old dog new tricks, but it takes time. I’m middle aged and overweight. She is younger and a Cross Fit body builder. I’ll give you a moment to make the image.

     The take away from this concert for me was huge. We could’ve seen an orchestra or Liberace. It wouldn’t have mattered. It was the time in between the music that held the most meaning. On the hour drive there, we talked about our lives in trauma and with writing. Underneath our exteriors, under the skin, we slowly found that we were of the same tribe. Over the years, I medicated with food and she medicated with lifting. I didn’t ask her outright if that was the reason for the intense workouts, but from either point of view--food or weightlifting--it’s about control. People of trauma crave control, and as she put it, certainty.

     We shared our recent journeys in love and how we arrived at the present moment sitting in my car, splitting the countryside with our collective pain. Many times she apologized for speaking of her traumas on our first outing as friends. I didn’t acknowledge the apology because it wasn’t necessary. Car rides are the best place for people of trauma to spill demons, because the other person can only listen. There is no fixing, only understanding and clarification.

     Once at the venue, we went to buy water. She was going to buy mine because I drove. I refused and grabbed my wallet to pay for my own because it is what I do. Owe no one anything. I have lived that motto for my lifetime. She looked at me and said, “Let me buy this. This is what friends do.”

     Imagine standing in a lobby of humans and being invisibly struck by lightning.

     We talked some more as the first band came on, sitting while everyone else was standing. This was less trauma and more writing. When the band she wanted to see took the stage we stood, side by side, and something happened to me for the first time. Amongst a sea of young college students, next to this woman who is physically one of the strongest people I know, who is beautiful, and I found myself not caring about my body. I stood surrounded by beauty not worrying about how old I was, how fat I was, or whether or not I deserved to be there. I simply, was.

     The music was good. The light show amazing. The life lesson, priceless.

     In the land of healing a lifetime of traumas, these small wins feel like gold medal performances. This connected me to another human who has run a similar path, who is still working on healing and trusting and moving forward. I thank her for reaching out to ask me to do something, for noticing me, for making me feel like a valid individual. Score one for the home team.

     Thanks for reading. Be kind to each other. Write. Read books. Share your world.

Aleathia

OM-7/13/2014 Spiritual Recovery Through Love

Aleathia says:

Yesterday I was talking to my boss about the move to our new hospital and how hard it has been on everyone's families, and how glad they will all be to get things "back to normal".  Somehow we got on the subject of gastric bypass and how someone who had gone through this procedure told her she should do it.

First of all, I find that to be seriously rude.  The person should have just come right out and called her fat, because that is the only reason I can think of that a person would suggest this surgery to another.  But who are they to decide if we look fat or not?  People that undergo this procedure for anything other than severe health reasons tend to have body image problems.  Do they feel they can't be loved if they are not a mirror image of the social "norm" or the social expectation?

My boss and I talked about the serious implications of the surgery itself and how the long term effects have not been clearly defined. We have both seen people with metabolic problems, serious stomach issues, absorption problems, and psychological problems that develop after getting skinny doesn't solve their relationship/family/friend/self image problems.  I qualify for this surgery, but I have never entertained the thought of getting it.

My OM moment came when my boss was telling me that her husband had once stood up for her publicly when someone said she had gotten too heavy.  He said that he loved everything about her....her curves, her flaws, her wonders.  That is what love is. We all have flaws and love has been known to add a few handles, but as long as quality of life and health remain good, who is to say we have to be skinny? We were driving back to the old facility to close it down and I thought about how lucky I am as well.

2003 at my heaviest and saddest

Since I was 12 I have been heavier than I would have liked.  I never looked like the other girls and I even had an eating disorder from it.  I hated my body.  I didn't respect it, didn't want to look at it.  I spent many a time crying in front of the mirror feeling like I was being punished. Then Michael came along.  He refused to let me talk bad about myself.  He didn't want to hear it and said the lack of confidence was unbecoming.

It has been a journey over the last 3 years, but for the first time in my life I love myself from top to bottom. This is a miraculous thing for the soul.  It allows the person you really are to shine forth.  It gives time for laughter and contemplation of the world.  It expands ones horizons when you are no longer trapped in your own tiny universe of self-loathing.  Michael gave me the opportunity to grow into the best woman I can be. He loves me, all of me, and I am truly blessed for that.

2014...40 lbs lighter through love and hard work...but mostly love.

Don't let people drag you down.  If you are truly unhappy about what you look like then examine how you got there; explore how you can move up from there.  Gaining weight doesn't happen overnight so don't expect to lose it that way either.  You have to want the change, you'll have to work hard for it, but do it for you and no one else.  You'll thank yourself later.