Sit. Stay. Heal

Aleathia says:

It is strange to wake up one day when you think your life is starting to go in the “right” direction only to find that you have rut a circle in the carpet moving in all the same directions. The last seven months I have imagined to myself that I was working on getting stronger and doing better things in my life.  I was exercising, doing yoga, meditating, drawing, writing, doing self help things, eating better, and keeping busy.  What happens when I stop? The world comes crashing in like a tsunami.

In the last few days I have had to admit to myself that I live in a constant state of distraction. This distraction lends itself to not being able to sit with myself and in all this pain I have been carrying around for years. I have some unnatural desire to be my own superhero. I want to save myself from myself, but that is not how it works. That road, for good or bad, is full of self-absorption and ego.

Three days ago I started reading Pema Chodron’s “Taking the Leap” which is a book that helps one to recognize the strength of old habits and fears and what they can do to you. More importantly, how it affects everyone around you and then the people around them etc. My one hurtful word or action is a ripple so far reaching you can’t even imagine it. If I stopped to think of that every time I did or said something, I might make different choices.

Today’s lesson was on shenpa or attachment. Shenpa is preverbal...that moment someone says or does something that tightens you up before you say or act after it. It is directly attached to the ego and who you think you are in the world and the more threatened you feel, the stronger shenpa gets. It is literally the charge behind your emotions.  It finds us when we are in places of discomfort and restlessness and boredom,

Understanding this brought me to tears today. I am so full of fear, unnaturally so, and maybe because this particular type of shenpa is so familiar I can taste and smell it. It is not unlike the analogy of wearing destruction like your favorite blanket. You know it is wrong but it is so familiar and comfortable. It gives a false sense of security.

In Buddhism, I have always heard of renunciation which I equated to “giving up” this way of life I am living. I was deep into practice many years ago when I found out I was pregnant. It had taken me a decade to have a kid and I felt supremely attached to this child growing inside me. I eventually moved from the city to a place where being Buddhist meant you were somehow strange and evil and outside the community. I stopped daily practice. I went back to it time and again sad that I didn’t have the courage to renunciate life and walk a road that might make me open and free. Over the years I have practiced more readily. I have found ways to practice invisibly, afraid others would judge me.

Today, after 20 years, I learn that renunciation isn’t about giving up things and ideas and preferences, but it is the act of releasing the firm attachment to them.  Pema writes that when we are able to let go a wisdom becomes accessible to us that is based in compassion for oneself and others that has nothing to do with our ego’s fears.

“Because of shenpa, you get attached to the self-image of failure”- Pema Chodron

Yes, yes I do.

The answer to this is simply Sit. Stay. Heal. Distracting myself from the pain of everything in this world doesn’t make the pain less, it makes it stronger and harder to peel back the layers to get to that sense of peace and openness.  I have been running at a breakneck speed from pain since 2014 when my mother died. It has all tumbled and spiraled into something that has marred and ruined many friendships and relationships in my life. In essence, my shenpa has left me alone grasping to things around me for a sense of self. Fear is such a powerful emotion. It is innate in us for protection from harm, but when we manipulate it and hold it and cherish it, it can destroy possibilities of freedom.

Today, I sit with the pain no matter how awful it feels. I can’t run anymore.

Aleathia Drehmer

Surviving a Narcissist

Aleathia says:

Life has been on a virtual rollercoaster for the last four years with the last 7 months being an endless loop de loop before arriving safely on the home track. In the previous few weeks I came upon one of the biggest discoveries of my life. A friend of mine posted an internet article called “Breaking Up With a Narcissist”. I trust the intuitions of this friend who is empathetic and compassionate in a world hell bent on stripping those qualities from people at an alarming rate. She posts a lot of articles and I am not sure exactly why I chose to read this particular one, but I am glad I did.

The article went on to describe what it feels like in the aftermath of breaking up with a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and as I read the list of things an individual would do and feel I started to cry. There in black and white was the description of my life since April when my boyfriend cheated on me and left.  Women get cheated on all the time and this doesn’t make a man a narcissist, but when I investigated the disorder more and looked at the science and not just personal accounts and opinions, I knew that I had spent the last 6 years participating in the biggest lie of my life.

In the article “The Three Phases of A Narcissistic Relationship Cycle” by Savannah Grey, she lays out the classic cycle of how the relationship with a narcissist will go. I have read dozens of similar articles, by survivors of these relationships and by people with psychology backgrounds, and the cycle doesn’t change. The three phases are: over-evaluation, devaluation, and discard.

The over-evaluation stage:

“A Narcissist is very careful when choosing a target. Typically, they will choose a victim based on their status. They must be attractive, popular, rich or extremely gifted in some area. The greater the status, the higher the value the Narcissist places on the Supply derived.

Once a target has been chosen, it’s almost like the Narcissist gets tunnel vision. They are hyper-vigilant in their pursuit and will project the perfect image that their victim wants them to be. They are excessively caring, loving and attentive at this stage. They shower their targets with attention, compliments and literally sweep them off their feet.

They place their target on a pedestal, idolize and worship them. Their target is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Here the Narcissist is ecstatic, full of hopes and dreams. They will talk and think about them constantly, they are euphoric. This is as close as a Narcissist will ever get to feeling love. This kind of idolization is what others would call infatuation.

The victim is likely so caught up in all the attention and is usually thinking at this point, that they have found their soul-mate. Their pursuer is exactly what they want in a partner (because the Narcissist is mirroring what they have learned appeals to their target) and they can’t believe how lucky they are and that this catch is still single.”

When I met my ex I really did feel like I had met my soulmate and I had never felt that way in my life before. He was charming, intelligent, funny, thoughtful, and attentive. We lived more than 3,000 miles apart when we met. We talked on the phone for 5-8 hours at a time. There was a frenzied chemistry and just like that he left everything he had established in his life and moved out to New York to be with me. Now, I have always been second best on most men’s list and I have spent a life living with a damaged sense of self-esteem. I grew up in a multi-faceted abusive household. In essence, I am a narcissist dream. I bit the line and was reeled in. I felt special for the first time in my life and I blinded myself from the second phase holding onto the idea he created.

The devaluation stage:

“In this second phase, the mask comes off and the Narcissist starts to reveal their true colours.
The shift could be gradual or almost seemingly overnight. Suddenly the attention they so lavishly gave you is gone and replaced by indifference and silence. The target is left baffled and confused and wondering what they did wrong to cause such an abrupt turnaround.

Narcissists become bored easily and what usually starts happening in their heads at this stage, is that the void begins to emerge again. The high they were feeding off of is waning and they begin to question your worthiness, that perhaps you weren’t so special after all, because if you were then the void wouldn’t still be there. They become moody and agitated easily, blaming you for even the slightest transgression. They start to disappear more frequently and they give you the silent treatment in an attempt to create distance. As the Narcissist withdraws, the target starts to cling and your demands for his attention and your need to understand what’s happening, grate on his nerves. The harder you cling the more the Narcissist pulls away. They start to blame and criticize the target for everything, treating them like an emotional punching bag.

At this point the target is an emotional wreck. The Narcissist has left without any explanation and they can’t figure out how one minute they were put on a pedestal and now it’s like they doesn’t even exist. The Narcissist is a projector and they are projecting their emotional turmoil onto you. They feed off of other people’s misery (as long as it’s caused by them) just as much as they feeds off of your admiration, either way it makes no difference to them.

It is this person, this cruel, indifferent, unfeeling, sadist that is the behind the mask. Most targets desperately try to find the one they fell in love with. What they don’t realize is that that person never existed. They were a facade an act put on by the Narcissist to secure their Supply. The Narcissist will take no responsibility for their actions, because they simply don’t care how they’ve treated you or how you are feeling. The Narcissist isn’t one to throw away a potential piece of supply though. They will keep up this I love you, I love you not charade going for as long as it suits them or as long as you allow it. They will breeze in and out of your life as if nothing ever happened, completely oblivious and indifferent to your suffering.”

They say hindsight is 20/20 and if you survive a relationship like this with your wits then you can begin to dissect the things that happened to you. After my parents died, I had very little emotions or attention to give anyone. I had fallen into a depression like no other which I compensated by dedicating time to drinking and feeling sorry for myself. During this time, my ex did not know what to do. He had little to offer in the area of comfort and much of this came from my few friends at work. At this stage of the relationship I didn’t have enough strength to realize that I had been isolated from most of my friends and family. Even in this state of depression, I gave what little I had to him instead of trying to heal myself. Again, I abandoned the unconditional love of my child to make sure this man was happy. I’m not going to beat myself up over it. It happened and all I can do is change to get better.

Looking back I can see where the turning point happened in this relationship and where he started to bail. A year ago he had been promoted in his job which gave him a distinctive amount of attention from that side of his life. He spent more time at work, talked only about work, and was gone more than he was home. He took up playing video games instead of being creative. He spent lots of money. I felt lonely...lonelier than ever. So I went back to school. I figured that since he wasn’t going to be home or paying any attention to me that I might as well study. School lifted me up out of my depression and by the time I felt like I was nearly human and ready to participate in the world, he cheated on me and moved into the third phase.

The discard phase:

“It is almost baffling to watch the ease at which a Narcissist can pull away from his partners. Many targets are left asking themselves, “Did he ever love me? Did I mean anything to him?” The simple answer is no. No one means anything to him. Women are only a means to an end – to obtain the much needed Narcissistic Supply. Once your usefulness has run its course, you will be discarded abruptly and cruelly, without warning.

Trying to get over a relationship with a Narcissist is extremely difficult. Once it is over the target is usually an emotional wreck, whose self-esteem has been annihilated by the persistent demeaning behavior, insults and cruelty of the Narcissist. Depending on when they were able to break free, the target maybe a shadow of their former self, with a lot of work ahead of them to rebuild their shattered self-image.”

This was the shattering part. He left on a Tuesday for a business trip with a note on the board stating how he couldn’t wait to spend time with me on Friday. By the weekend, he was silent, distant, and wouldn’t come near me. A week later he told me he cheated on me and even shed some tears in the kitchen, but then went on to tell me all about his woman and her life. He continued to do this for weeks until he moved out as if I was just some person he knew that would interested in his new adventure. That was the most damaging part for me.

I spent the last 6 months in recovery of this devastating end. I have had to work hard to rebuild friendships I had neglected and repair severed family ties. I have submerged myself in getting back into shape and rediscovering who I am and who I want to become. These are the keys to not being in abusive relationships. As painful as it can be, you have to sit down with yourself and ask the hard questions. You have to get to the root of the problem to see why you allow this treatment and why it is appealing to abusers.

I feel like I have a long way to go, but knowing that he never really loved me is at the same time painful but freeing. There wasn’t anything I could have done and had I not been in a depression which caused him to seek attention elsewhere, then I might still be stuck in that relationship and maybe, I would have never gotten out or realized what was happening. I write this not to point fingers or hurt my ex, but I want other caring, compassionate women with self-esteem issues to recognize what is happening and be able to be informed enough to get out.

Aleathia Drehmer

Chef's Table and the Essence of Life

Aleathia says:

What I am learning has little to do with food and so much to do with living a full life in the manner of your choosing. Growing up in small towns across America this is not the experience of the average child. You are indoctrinated with the idea that you are to conform with what adults believe. You sit and be quiet. You follow the rules at all times. You stay inside the lines. You are seen and rarely heard.

This was my life despite my parents wild ways. They were very do as I say, not as I do. It was uninspired living. There were moments of magic watching my mother draw or being allowed to help her cook. There were moments reading my father's poetry and walking in the woods listening, but the conforming nature prevailed through most of my life.

When I left home and moved to a big city it was a time of fear, but also a time of freedom. I met people who had lifestyles chosen by their own hands. Their minds we're not tethered to the poles of authority and rules. They fascinated me to no end. In this time, I tasted the roots of my soul. I climbed mountains, did drugs, and wandered the streets taking in a life I never knew existed. I began to fall in love with myself and life. For some reason I gave it up.

I went back to traditional living, my small frame of reference living, because it was expected of me. I have always chased love and the blanket of comfort I imagined it provided. I spent the next 24 years living in this manner. I had a child, I lost two pregnancies; I settled into what I thought parenting was. Earlier this year, I woke up from a torpor. I ran through fields of fear and loss and heartache. On the other side, I took my shoes off and walked through the wet grass. I felt the earth beneath my feet and wondered how I had missed it all those years.

On my 44th birthday I made a decision to open my heart and mind and live in the moment. This is proving to be one of the biggest and brighest decisions of my life. I am not free of responsibility, but I am learning to speak my mind and use the voice I was never allowed to share in all my history. I say no. I choose the path I walk on because it is good for me. I am learning to selectively bend when I have indifference and my non choice will provide joy to another. I have ceased to allow the expectations of others rooted in their conformity to color the way I walk my own path.

I laugh more. I create more. I breathe in the world that is at my fingertips.

I am three episodes into the chef's table and I have learned about the power of pushing boundaries and believing in dreams. I have learned that simplicity is almost always the better road to follow. I have learned that passion is kept alive in love by maintaining personal individuality and space; that I must surround myself with people I want to be near me... people that interest me and challenge me.

I look forward to more life lessons as the seasons unfold. The experiences of these chefs are not my own, but they inspire me to think about my own direction and how it will be colored by my choices and being aware of the talents and gifts of those around me. I don't know how much time in the world I have left, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let myself be chauffeured, existing in the back seat watching everything go by without being an integral part of it.

The Reset Button

Aleathia says:

I had the pleasure of camping with my friend Annette this week. She is a wonderful woman who brings out some great qualities in me and helps me to stay true to the important things in my life like yoga, meditation, a good diet, tea, and being aware of the world around me. Earlier in the summer we took a road trip together...13 hours on the road each way and not once did we want to kill each other. That is a good traveling partner.

Life has been stressful in the last few months and the both of us are settling into defining how we want to live life right now and learning what our dreams hold for the future. On a whim I had asked her if she wanted to go camping for a few days and she was excited to. Neither of us had camped in a long time and a nature reset was just what we needed.

Annette is a raw vegan. I am a swarthy meat eater. We get along because we don't make it political. It is just life choices. I decided that this trip I would eat her diet for several reasons. I was having stomach trouble and eating raw meant that I didn't have to bring the usual 10 tubs of cooking gear to manage outdoor meal time. I was leery about whether or not I would feel like I was starving, but even with over 25 miles of walking and hiking, I wasn't weak or dizzy once. This really showed me what my body is made of and what it can do with different kinds of fuel.

Now this wasn't a teetotaler sort of trip. We drank rum like it was going out of style and indulged in some fancy s'mores. We had deep conversations as we walked and drank. We laughed by the fire and even had some tears. We looked at stars and waterfalls and everything green. What we did was get to know each other outside of work just a little better.

In the mornings, we did yoga by the waterfall. This was an other worldly experience to have such a connection with nature and do our individual practices. The sound of rushing water like a mantra that spoke to us in different ways.

We made a dedication to hike the entire gorge loop starting with the Gorge Trail  up to Lucifer Falls and back down on the Rim Trail which overlooks the lower falls. This hike was full of steep elevations and crazy sets of stairs. One false move and over the cliff you could go to a most certain sort of death. We met so many people along the way each of them in different stages of physical health and hiking ability. The great thing was that both Annette and I have the same hiking pace. What a rare happening to find a hiking partner on the first try!

When we reached the bridge to the Rim Trail I had doubts as to whether or not I wanted to climb more stairs to Lucifer Falls. I was getting tired, my hips were hurting, and I was feeling a little defeated. I said fuck it and up we went. If I didn't get to the top I would have regretted it greatly. Once up there we looked at the falls and had a snack. We rested for about 20 minutes and then I felt great again. We made our way down the other side of the gorge and what a glorious feeling to breech that last gate and know that you've accomplished something you had tried to do several times before but could not.

This camping trip was good for the soul. It truly was a reset button for me. It has given me new direction in my life and a more positive perspective about my future and all the dreams it holds. Always reach for the distance. It's so beautiful when you get there.

The Meaning of Love

Aleathia says:

The last few months have made me acutely aware of the need to redefine the meaning of love and the body people called family. My life has been spent seeking love without knowing really what that means to me. The love I received as a child had so many strings attached to it as well heavy influences from my environment and the social circles around me. I had no control over the love I received or how it was given. I had little control over the love I wanted to give because in order to give love, someone has to want to be on the other end of it.

Love is abstract at best. We "love" pizza. We "love" going to the beach. I "love" you. In our language and in our time, it feels as if love is just another verb without much weight or meaning. To understand this is pretty disappointing especially if it has been your life's work trying to find a love that feels true.  In my experience that initial chemistry between two people is so very intense and over time fades into what most people label as "comfortable" and then is further transformed to mean "love".  I have been in a series of committed relationships over the last 26 years in which this very scenario has played out. In the end of each of them, love is the farthest thing from what was felt or experienced.

My existential crisis comes from trying to understand why it is socially acceptable for the fading of that chemistry between two humans into banality that is then labeled "love" or "they are good together"? Why do people stay together when they no longer have that fire in their belly for the other? What makes us settle for less than what we want or desire out of a relationship? Are we truly honest with our inner selves about what love means to us or what it looks like?

I have been listening to a lot of music lately and my friend turned me on to Alt-j. A line from one of their songs has really weighed heavy on me:

"I want to love you in my own language"

How significant is that? I say this line to myself every day in an attempt to wrap my mind around its meaning. If I love someone in the language of my own heart, it may not be a language their heart understands. Maybe love is finding another person whose heart speaks the same language as yours. I feel like that chemistry should not fade. I should be able to look at someone I love and it fill me with a certain joy that is only attainable with love. I feel like my body and my skin should respond to their unique touch and that if the love is there the other person would be observant enough to feel and read the response of the other. I know, you are saying, she is a dreamer. I have been called much worse in my lifetime, but it is not such a tall order to want to feel electrified and comfortable at the same time. Love should make you feel free.

Having made this definition of love for myself I found another line that has touched me. I was recently watching Sense 8 and one of the characters said:

"Art is love made public"

This idea has transformed my approach to art...the way I look at it, the way I respond to it, the way I make it. So if art is love made public then art is the feeling of being free in the face of strangers. This idea is profound to me and it is the place that I want to be...living in a free and open way; loving in a way that sets my skin on fire and brings me a comfort that allows me the freedom to be my own true self.

These last few months after the fallout of my relationship has given me boundless opportunity to connect with new people, reconnect with old friends, and connect with the true nature of my being. My perspective of the world is changing. I am growing into my own after living a life meant for others. I am reaching. I am taking it all in. I am finding joy in places where none existed before. I am placing no boundaries or judgments on people and things. I have never felt more alive as I do right now.

Kava tea and Musings on Mara

Aleathia says:





Last night my good friend Annette asked Chloe and I to go to Ithaca to visit a kava tea bar. I had never really investigated this place though I had seen people come in and out of there on nights when I drove there to go to a concert on a nearby street. The kava tender was very knowledgeable and gave us some history on the drink as well as the properties and what it was used for.

This stuff tastes like bitter dirt even when mixed in chocolate almond milk.  We shared a large bowl which was about 3 coconut half shells worth. This was enough to feel the effects of it which make you very relaxed and euphoric.  It was like being on a cross of Xanax and Ecstacy while also making your tongue and lips numb. This worked for the show they had going called Harmonic Temple which was a sort of band/DJ trance hippie sort of sound with a light show.

There were the usual types of very energetic hippie dancers...some all over the place, some spastic, some doing dreaming moves on the periphery and a few others scattered about. This was very entertaining to watch and we all felt like we were in a nice place. After a few hours, Annette got up and started dancing and I soon followed as did Chloe. We danced for a few hours letting the beats take us over, letting loose so many things. It was an enjoyable time and something I had not done in years.

The morning after is another situation. Both Chloe and I, who tend to have very high anxiety personalities, felt sluggish and irritated and clumsy today where as Annette who has less anxiety had a fabulous day. My theory is that the contrast between natural state and kava root induced state was just too wide for me and my kiddo. I sort of enjoy the frenetic nature of my soul and today I have felt like a shell of a human. I am accomplishing all the things I set out to do but not with any fervor or desire. I feel like an automaton. I can't say that I will ever drink that again, but I will go and enjoy regular tea and some booty shaking.

Earlier in the week I was approached by a younger man who had some interest in getting together. It was an intense day of flirting which put me on top of the world and made me feel desired. I had not felt this way in a long time even in a committed relationship. I practically floated on air. We were supposed to hook up today, but it never happened. He never called. I never called him either. I feel like this was a test.

In Buddhism, there is a figure in the literature called Mara who is a demon that in the stories sends his most beautiful daughters to lure Siddhartha from his path. This young man, under most circumstances, would have tempted my pants off...literally. But because I had time between the flirting and the possible get together, I realized that fulfilling the temptation would come at physical and mental costs I was not willing to pay. I chose self worth over self pleasure. This is a turning point for me because most of my life I have felt like I had no worth and that the worth I did have was rooted in whether or not someone chose to have sex with me.

This is an interesting time in my life where I am open to the lessons being placed in front of me and able to truly make decisions about the direction of my life. I am speaking truth to myself. It is kind of refreshing.

Aleathia

Kidnapper's Art Book (deux) and Lynda Benglis

Aleathia says:

Kidnapper's Art Book x 2

"Welcome to the middle of nowhere: open 9-6"

"Sophisticated Metropolis"

Today's artist from the SF MOMA text is Lynda Benglis!

This time I simply put in the work "knot" and she was sent my way with a beautiful piece called "Lambda"