Yoga Camp Day 2 and Day 3

Aleathia says:

I'm pretty excited that I have made it three consecutive days to the mat. I am usually pretty gung ho about starting things and not so great about finishing. I have a bit the complacent/lazy gene if things don't seem to be moving along as I would like. I have enlisted the help of my friend Annette who is going on this journey with me. Sometimes things are better with buddies.

Yoga Day 2 had the affirmation of "I Create" and in good fashion the instructor left it up to each student to decide what exactly they wanted to create for themselves at that moment, in that practice. I decided that I needed to create space. All of my muscles are bunched together and I have felt really buried and closed in lately. Thinking about wide open space was the right choice. 

This practice was a longer one lasting about an hour. It was full of forward bends and side twists and activating abdominal muscles. When a person is grossly overweight in the abdominal area and has had rheumatoid arthritis since 16, doing forward bends is akin to having your spin ripped out and putting your abdominal rolls in a vice. It made me very sweaty and I felt emotionally challenged that I had let myself go this long. I discovered muscles I forgot I had and ones that I wished had remained anonymous. But when I was done I was warm and felt taller and accomplished.

Yoga Camp Day 3 put forth the affirmation of "I Embrace". Thinking about all the unrest that is happening at work and how painful it is to go there most nights because of clashing personalities, I decided to embrace loving-kindness.  The idea of loving-kindness is very prevalent in Buddhism and it is something I try to work on all the time. I don't always succeed, but I do try to bring it to each day. I don't believe I have ever thought about embracing loving-kindness while doing a yoga practice and being present with that idea that I will not only embrace it for other people but embrace it for myself. I am often my own worst enemy in this life.

After three days of yoga and affirmations, I have found that I feel lighter in spirit. My muscles feel longer and the subtle soreness in the core and shoulders linger to give a gentle reminder of what I am out to achieve. I know I haven't lost any weight, but I feel skinnier. Sometimes lifting that barrier in the mind is more powerful that we can understand while it is happening. I am not sure what I will feel like at the end of this journey, but for now, I feel great.

Thanks Annette for going on this journey with me even though we are practicing in different places at different times. I keep your friendship with me as I'm moving through poses I think I can't do.

Aleathia

Today I Start the Journey of Me

Aleathia says:

It sounds cliche, right? The Journey of Me. I'm so important. Pffft. This has been the problem my whole life is that I have never felt important at all. I have felt as if my contribution to the world was invisible to everyone but me. And then, if I felt I had done something important noticing it and giving myself credit brought on a cycle of guilt.

How does one get to this place in life? I surely didn't ask to be here and most of the people I surround myself with in present time do not perpetuate this behavior. The line "you can't teach an old dog new tricks" comes to mind. That is my first thought of myself. Old dog. I know my early environment was rocky living all over the country, never setting roots, having parents who drank too much or partied too much. It makes a kid grow up early and forget how beautiful the freedom of loving yourself can feel.

It was a long work night last night and I have not physically felt well. Drained, tired, apathetic, bloated, overweight, and unsure of the future. It is the recipe of stress. I woke this afternoon feeling like I wanted to cry. Do I really have to get up? I got up to an empty house and felt more alone than ever. February is the longest month when you feel like this. I went to the sewing room with plans of getting a few hours of sewing in before work. I fixed a few items that were already purchased, but then the sewing machine stopped talking to me. I just sat there staring at it.

On my phone was playing a strange video string that I picked up on Reddit of some Australian guy with dating tips. I thought about what a racket it was because this dude was hot and what chick wouldn't want to go to a several hour seminar and stare at a hot guy telling them how to pick up hot guys? Come on ladies. But I am a sucker for an accent and watched a few minutes. The baseline of some of the things he said was true, but it still felt like a ruse. This strangely lead into looking up yoga videos. This is how my mind works folks. Hang on.

I love yoga. I don't do it enough and it is as if I am denying myself the physical pleasure of truly relaxing and letting go. It is as if I just can't stand the thought of feeling good in my own body. The more fat you have the more insulated you are to take insults or pain or stress or tragedy. The thicker you are the least amount of people can get to you; they build an aversion to you. I sit here writing this and think that is the saddest thing I have ever said about myself. So, I looked for a yoga video...something short and not too shaming.

Day One of Yoga Camp with Adriene. Such a cute, tiny little lady and I was prepared to feel a bit too fat and a bit to ugly, but this lady was lovely. She asked me to trust her. What? I don't know you, I thought. She said today you are going to accept where your body is right now, at this moment. Yeah, fat and stiff and old. Trust me she said. Close your eyes. But, I'm watching your video. Close your eyes and breathe. Remember to let go of all the things holding your body in places it doesn't want to be. Breathe. Trust me. Accept where you are right now and know that you deserve to be there.

30 minutes later I am lying on the floor in savasana smiling....feeling beautiful, feeling happy I trusted this skinny girl with the big heart and the creaky wooden floor beneath her. I realized in that moment that I am so full of judgement not just about other people but about myself. It is so easy to do and so hard to take back. Today, I start the journey of me. Who is Aleathia? What does she stand for? Will she love herself more at the end of each day? I sure hope so.

Aleathia

Celebrating in Non Traditional Ways

Aleathia says:

This year, as a family, we decided to not celebrate the over-commercialized holiday of Christmas. I have been a Buddhist since 1997 and technically it isn't a holiday I need to observe but I have for the last 14 years with my daughter because that was the normal thing to do. She stopped believing in Santa a few years ago and the magic was gone for me. There was no surprise on Christmas morning, no sparkle of elation and wonder. It was just a lot of money wrapped in pretty paper. Chloe doesn't go to church, Michael doesn't go to church. Everyone in our house is free to choose what and who they want to believe in and if no one believes in Santa, then we are celebrating a religious holiday that none of us are party to. Religion was not the driving force behind our lack of celebrating Christmas this year, it was charity.

We have come to a place in our lives where we are comfortable. We have all the things that we want...more than we need. If we need something, we buy it through the year. In our house we use dinner time as a place to have in depth conversations about the world, where we see ourselves in it, where we want to be, our hopes and fears and dreams, and the kind of people we aspire to be. Michael and I both grew up poor. We hardly ever had new things and if we did they were cherished. Chloe has never been poor, but she is the most thoughtful and frugal teenager I have ever met. She worries about the burden of cost of things bought for her and is over-appreciative when something nice is done for her. This is they kind of child I have raised. I feel like I have done a good job.

Around Thanksgiving we decided this year we would buy a family gift for us to share. We got a second Xbox so we could play games together since that is the way games are designed today. We got another headset so we could talk and a few games. It was a several thousand dollar reduction from the year before. Michael and I got newer cars...reliable transportation. Chloe is going to Hawaii with school in the spring. We decided that this was Christmas enough for all of us. But we also decided that we needed to start thinking about how we could give back to the community and the world.

Chloe and I walked the Selfless Elf this year together. Our registration fees together went towards feeding 180 people in our community. Think about that. We walked 3 miles and fed nearly 200 people. That was a really nice feeling when we crossed the finish line together. We are going to walk this race every year together when we can.

The other charitable venture we are on is using all the crafts I make to sell for donations to the charities we have chosen this year. We are calling the venture Nothing Wasted and you can visit this page often to find out all the goodies I am making. So far this year we have raised $140 from the sales. We are also using all the money from our bottle returns at home and work to add to this fund and we have raised over $25 so far. All of this in one month.

I will say this Christmas season weighed heavy on me as I looked at all the beautiful photos of Christmas trees and family gatherings. I felt a bit of sadness and jealousy, but I didn't let it consume me.  My life has been non-traditional since I left home so many years ago. We build a new life everyday and though others have thought our new holiday tradition is strange, it feels good to all of us to know we are making a difference and opening our hearts.

Visit our charity page if you like. I hope to have some new items up in January. I sold the December items as fast as I made them so I didn't post anything. Thank you for reading and we hope your holidays have been filled with love and family.

Aleathia

Thanksgiving

Aleathia says:

Another year, another Thanksgiving right? One would think so, but anymore it has just been another day for me. It used to be my favorite holiday with a house full of people and everyone eating more than stomach's should allow on any given day. It was always my saddest holiday when I was away from home. I still remember the year a friend in Seattle took me home to her family dinner only to find out it was customary for all the kids in the house to bring home folks who had no place to go. We all sat around the table and said what we were thankful for. We listened, later, to her whole family sing. It is still one of the most beautiful days of my life. That happened in 1994.

I have been away from home for a very long time and over these years I have gotten used to a small or non-existent Thanksgiving. I have learned to not hold so much to the day...maybe so it wouldn't hurt so much. I usually work because it doesn't matter when you have a dinner to go to. I was supposed to work this year again, but I was need on other days so here I sit in a silent house. Chloe is sleeping and Michael is at work. Later Chloe will go to her father's where they still have a to do on Thanksgiving.

Today, I am tasked with making my first turkey since 1997 when I made my first ever turkey on Thanksgiving when it was just me and my boyfriend of the time. 19 years between turkeys.  That is some gap. I hope I get it right because Michael waits for turkey all year long.

I have come to understand that holidays aren't as big a deal as we have always made them. It is the actions we take everyday towards our family that mean the most. I am not good with keeping up with people if not on Facebook. I'm not sure why honestly, I just keep to myself a lot. But I have built a great family with Michael and Chloe which makes me thankful every day. Those two keep my smiling and working hard and make me want to go the extra mile. After dinner tonight, Michael and I will watch "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles" which has become one of our small traditions. I will wake up tomorrow and have to go to work and it will all move forward from there.

But today, today would have been my father's 67 th birthday. I miss him every day. I miss his laugh and our 15 minute phone calls, our letters, our music sharing. I miss his calm advice and his strong love. Happy Birthday Pop. I love you. I'm eternally thankful for all the lessons you gave me, still give me when I slow down long enough to listen.

Aleathia

Clarity

Aleathia says:

This has been a very interesting time in my life. I am back to school working towards my Master's Degree in Nursing and I applied for the Supervisor position at work. I bought a new car and my once un-involved teenager is now active with after school programs.

All of this has come on the back of my friend and manager leaving our unit, the loss of family and friends, and an intermittently failing thyroid. There is a lot going on to say the least.

The thyroid problem has thrown a monkey wrench in to most of the happenings in my day. It makes me exhausted and lends a lack of ambition to life that can be upsetting. In this whirlwind of things going on, I decided that I was "bored" of my current tenure in the ER of 10 years and that I needed a change. So I applied for college in hopes of moving up the ladder starting with the Assistant Director of Nursing position. It all seemed well and good. I was excited about it.  And then, I wasn't.

I have been fortunate enough to have been afforded my job as a nurse straight out of school due to an internship and scholarship program, so effectively, I never had to fill out a resume or apply or interview for a job. I was expected to work my scholarship off as an employee. When I moved to the ER, I put my union bid in and down I went.  Again, no resume, no interview. In the last few weeks I found myself making a resume (stressful) and studying for an interview, yes, studying (even more stressful) while trying to be a mom, a girlfriend, a good employee, and a student.

Last week at the awards dinner for the hospital, I realized something.  I realized that I was right where I wanted to be sitting across the table from people who have been my family and my team for over 10 years. I didn't want to be at the leadership table. I wanted to be laughing and cracking inappropriate jokes and having a great time. I don't doubt that I would make a good supervisor. I know I can do it, but I had not stopped to ask myself if that was what I really wanted.

One of the supervisors on the evening shift was coaching me about the interview (before I had changed my mind) and she said they would ask where I saw myself in 5 years? I cannot lie.  I don't want to climb the big nursing ladder in the sky and sit in meetings and be a fake version of myself because I was leadership. I want to be me. It has taken me a long time to find out who that is and frankly, I am still learning. When I get my Master's I am thinking that maybe I would like to teach and help new nurses bridge the scary gap between theory and practice and to help them develop the confidence to recognize their abilities to thinking critically and make a difference in the world.  In the end, I want to make a difference. I want my legacy to be something more fulfilling than being good at organization and time management. I want to be remembered as someone who touched another's life and helped them find direction.

These changes were not fly by night. I have been thinking and stressing and thinking more about them for weeks. I have been meditating on it. I have been doing yoga and calming down enough to see beyond the fleeting joy of praise and the initial excitement of a new position that wears off as fast as scratching a losing lottery ticket. At this time in my life, after all the losses I have had, there is still much personal healing to be done. I want to get my education without having another added stress to the pile. I want to have more flexibility for my family and for myself.

Today, I called Human Resources and removed my bid for the job. I can't tell you how light and fantastic a feeling it was. I am blessed to have had these moments of clarity and be able to be brave enough to know when to make the right decisions for myself and not decisions other people want me to make. I love my night nurses and my team. They truly are a second family and they make me a better person every day. I'm just not ready to quit them yet.

Aleathia

Taco Meat by Michael D. Goscinski

Aleathia says:

If you don't already know, I am in a relationship with an amazing guy and a wonderful writer. Writing brought us together and the love of the world has kept us moving forward. Michael D. Goscinski has recently started putting his work out there again and has a new blog called Taco Meat.

We have always had very different perspectives on writing both in content and process. In the last few years we have both lost some significant people in our lives which caused our writing to feel lost to us. This year Michael found his voice again and has been writing incredible, imaginative stories and poetry. I personally felt a bit jealous and stunted, but his enthusiasm for the written word sparked something in me and I have started writing again. It feels strange and different, but it is happening.

I would like you to go on his journey with him through his blog Taco Meat where he posts work from time to time, spotlights things he likes, and displays his unique photographs.

Thanks for reading!

Aleathia

The Marking of Years

Aleathia says:

From the alley it's clear
that summer is fading.

Tomatoes hang heavy and over ripe,
neglected on the vine from gardeners
giving up on their bounty.

Pools sit half empty, collecting leaves
and late flowers,
some have deflated
and look forlorn without tiny bodies
in colorful suits splashing about.

The temperature is better for walking,
the sun still warming the skin
between clouds and high country winds.

The night whispers a chill
and sweatshirts find their way
onto arms and in backpacks.

It is the time for all things to settle in,
to take stock of their future
and smile on the past.

We are winding down,
we are becoming silent and fragile.
Our years marked with another season.

Aleathia Drehmer 2016