Podcasts! I'm Outside of Every Trend

Aleathia says:

I have come to realize that I am fashionably late to every trend that has ever been. Maybe it is my cautious Cancerian nature always approaching everything from the side after I have had ample time to research what it is all about. I have a fear of being trendy; of being a sheep in the herd. I want to be the one to like something because it strikes a cord in me, not because it is popular. I have been this way my whole life. The girl on the fringe (vanilla as hell, but there); the new kid in town; baby in the corner. Where am I going with all this? Yes, getting to the point.

My training program for the Appalachian trail next year is well under way. A whole month under my belt and as the workouts have gotten progressively more challenging and longer, I have needed something other than music to distract me from burning muscles and peak heart rates. The distraction makes me breathe easier for some reason. I'm here for the oxygen and endorphins, you know. So there are these things called Podcasts, have you heard of them? This is where most people look at me as if I have several heads and have been living under the rock of Gibraltar for the last 5 years. They smile, nod, and walk away.



I had to look up how to play a podcast. This is no joke. Bless Google. Where would we be without the answer to every question you could ever ask? So there I am with my Google Play Music scrolling through types of podcasts and having no earthly idea what any of them are about or where to begin when I see "Philosophize This!" Oh.  I like philosophy. I was the nerd that sat in the library stacks reading reference books. I was the girl who took every philosophy class she could in college.

I sat on my living room floor doing my pre-workout stretch listening to this soft voiced, super nerdy sounding guy talk about philosophy...starting at the beginning. What makes this podcast magical is that the host is able to put these really deep, seemingly unreachable ideas into something very modern and relatable. He's funny...in that peculiar smart friend way. You will find me on the treadmill pushing the inclines higher and higher learning about Plato and Aristotle. There I am in my own universe publicly nerding it out in front of all these roided up folks at the gym trying to not be self conscious as I still to my endurance workout plan...trying not to keep up with the Joneses.




One thing leads to another and on weight day I wanted something a little less mentally taxing, so there it is. Oprah's Super Soul Sunday conversations. Yeah, I see you rolling your damn eyes. Don't be a hater. You know in your secret heart of hearts you love Oprah. As I was listening to this conversation, I realized why I have been drawn to her my whole life. She asks amazing questions. Next time you watch or listen to an interview pay close attention to the pause that almost every person she interviews does. Oprah will be going along with questions and then she pulls that one question out and the interviewee, in all their life journeys and experiences, gets asked a question that no one has bothered to ask them before. We know what these questions feel like. Anxiety, bewilderment, panic. Maybe these are questions we avoid asking ourselves, which is easy to do, but when someone asks it of you, you owe them an answer. I have decided that Oprah is the queen of revelation questions and that is why I love listening to her.

Now I'm prattling on about podcasts and you are thinking, please just shush.  Ok, ok. I'm almost done. Today I woke up with an empty cold house. Most days this is fine. I have gotten used to the ringing in my own ears without need to drown it out. But today felt especially lonely, soooo I decided to make banana bread and listen to a podcast. I went in search of something new. Listened to several for a few minutes and they just didn't grab me. It made me appreciate the time before television when radio was all you had. You had to be a master of sound, have the right voice, and a gimmick that would keep listeners tuned in.




I landed on Mike Posner's podcast called "What Does All This Mean?". I don't even know who this dude is. He has a nice voice and awkward pauses. It felt right. Supposedly, he is some famous music dude, but because I am not trendy I had no clue. I listened to this his story "The Possibility of Being Here" in which he talked about having set his life to a false story he created in the second grade after his best friends moved away...a story that he would never fit in and never belong. Unwittingly, he spent the rest of his life trying to be over productive to make up for it, trying to improve himself around any corner in hopes that it would somehow make him feel like he belonged. This struck a resounding chord in my soul. I have spent my life feeling this way. It has given me a lot of heartache and one shitty relationship after another.

After this last failed long term relationship, I made a decision to be alone, to stop chasing men who don't really want me, to stop looking to others to validate who I am, to stop looking outward to see if I belong. In a few months it will be a whole year since my world crashed around me. It was the first time I had felt like dying in a long time. I look at where I am right now and feel pretty great about it all. Sometimes you need to scrap the bottom to remember what the light looks like; to challenge yourself to find a love for who you are that you didn't know existed.

I have a lot of grand plans and challenges ahead of me, but I am learning the art of temperance and patience and loving kindness. There are smiles where once frowns lived. So if you see me at the gym with a half grin on my face, know I'm probably consuming philosophy by podcast. Asked me what I've learned.

As always, thanks for reading. I appreciate every visit and every chance to share what I have learned in this world. Sharing is the best thing we can do to lift each other up.

Aleathia

Winter and "Call the Midwife"

Aleathia says:

In winter I feel the roots of my heritage take hold. Polish, Yugoslavia, Russian....possible Romanian. Throw in French Canadian and you have a recipe for hibernation. We are a somewhat contemplative, stoic bunch around strangers; full of vibrant life around those we trust and love. when ice and snow take over the land it begins a time of inner discovery.

Personally, I love the snow and quite enjoy a brisk walk in the winter sun. From my warm couch I can see the skeletal remains of trees on the hills, the ground blanketed in snow, the palest of blue skies, and ice flowing down the river. I sit here a lot and do nothing but think.

Winter is also the time when I binge watch television at night when my bones are aching and cold and the only comfort from pain I get is the distraction of needlework and television. There are some shows I put on for noise to ease the winter loneliness. The sound of conversations I don't have to engage in are a pleasure and the cadence of them makes the crocheting go faster. But once in a while I find a show that pierces the heart of me.

This week I wanted a break from my usual British crime series, so I stuck with the British theme and dove into "Call the Midwife". I have anxiety for when the series will be done. I have consumed 4 seasons already. I have cried nearly every episode.  It is not often that this happens. I admit to being an old softie, but this show has struck something deeper for me.



I am a nurse, so the show is relative to me in this sense. When I was first in nursing school I wanted to work in OB and help deliver babies. I had this unrealistic dream of how I would feel about such a thing. I felt my sensitive nature would make me perfect for the job. One evening during clinical I was able to witness the births of two babies. I am not sure I ever cried so much in my life. The screaming, the blood, the first sound of a baby crying, the look on the mother's face when she first sees her baby...these things are devastatingly beautiful. I decided that night that I could never do the job. I would need to be stronger if things went wrong and I wasn't sure that I wouldn't cry every time a baby was born. I went into the cut and dry of surgical floor nursing and then to emergency medicine where I have spent more than a decade.

"Call the Midwife" is more than strong women in the poor conditions of London's East End in the 50's and 60's. It is about finding faith in  your work, about friendship and love; losses suffered on a personal nature and ones suffered because you are in the same room. It is about standing up for patient's rights, for women having a voice in a time when they weren't supposed to, and about building your own identity from the ground up.

I had a conversation with my teenage daughter after she mentioned how much the show makes me cry. She said "maybe you get so emotional since you had a c-section instead of giving birth?" She sent this in a text from her room and I was glad of it, because I sat there crying again. Yes, maybe it was that. My body robbed me of that moment to see her after all the hard work I had done. 20 hours of labor, 6 hours of pushing, a failed epidural when it was time for surgery and having to have general anesthetic which left me unconscious for over 8 hours. Everyone in the family and all the staff had seen my baby before me. It is truly the only regretted moment of my life. The rest I chalk up to experience, but I missed the one perfect moment in life a mother can be given.

"You have to be brave to be in love, don't you? Knowing your heart will get broken at sometime."

This was a line from the show and it struck me so terribly hard. I sat there nodding, because it is one of the truest things I have ever heard. My heart has been broken so many times. My poor heart spent so much time on my sleeve where people could abuse it and do with it what they wanted. This last year has been sad and somewhat loveless for me. The bond with my daughter the only thing that got stronger besides the will to find myself again. Life is about the chances you take, about dealing with the consequences of your choices, and learning from the mistakes as much as the triumphs.

Never be afraid to dream big and fall short. Get back up again and do it all over. Cherish those small, perfect moments in life...never take them for granted. Don't let the world distract you from the daily wins and the opportunity to open new doors.

Thanks for reading
Aleathia

Appalachian Trail Goals for 2019: White Mountains Here I Come!

Aleathia says:

This year my key word for myself is Open. Open heart, open mind, open to suggestions, opening doors, opening windows. Open everything. Does anyone understand how scary this is for a woman who can be outgoing, but really plays the cards close in every situation? It's like a panic attack having a panic attack.

A week or so ago a friend at work causally asked if I wanted to hike 280 miles of the Appalachian Trail this summer. I was like "uh, no". Because with that came so much opportunity to fail physically and mentally. I thought it was weird to be middle aged and overweight and be asked to take on a journey that in my current condition could not be done.  I went home and thought about it.

My father, after Vietnam, walked the entire Appalachian Trail. He has always been my hero. He was an outdoors man. He was always in a silent conversation with nature. He looked happiest in the woods or by the river. I feel this energy whenever I venture out into nature, but I still pull myself back into my shell of home. Maybe I am afraid of what I will find when I commune with the deepest parts of my life. It is hard to say. But being given the chance to walk part of the same trail my father did over 40 years ago is something I can't give up.

So, I committed to doing a different section of the trail in the summer of 2019 so I have time to train. We are doing 230 miles from New Hampshire to Vermont...the White Mountains. I thought cool.  I looked it up and it is one of the hardest parts of the trail, but with this challenge will come the best views and the best understanding of my human limits. I am a goal oriented type person. You give me a challenge and a time to beat it in and I will find a way to do it.  If you tell me it can't be done, I will put everything I have into proving you wrong. Sometimes that part of my personality is a pain in the ass, but it often propels me to new levels.

Last Saturday I started training. Rolling hill setting on the treadmill with inclines 3.5%-10%. As the weeks go on I will increase the level, the incline, and the time. This happens three days a week with a 4th cardio session of elliptical or rowing, bicycle, and treadmill at a higher speed. Two days a week are for weight lifting small weights for 20 reps for the first month and then I go to burnouts. There is one day off from this work out regime. Everyday there is yoga. In the future months, I may add Tai Chi and Boxing to be sure to mix up my muscle groups. In the spring, it will be time to hit the trails and start doing weighted backpack.

The trek will be 230 miles with serious elevation gains wearing a 60-70 pound pack. I feel a little crazy taking this on at 44, but I also feel stronger than I ever have in my life. This year is going to be the year I get my shit together. Being an independent woman is where I need to be. I might get buff in the process.

Thanks for reading.
Aleathia

Walking by Henry David Thoreau

Aleathia says:

My whole life has been built around the adventures in books. When we are young we don't have the ability to travel to far lands, but we have the imagination--wild and verdant--to fly there in our minds. Giving a child the give of reading and a love of books means you give them the opportunity to soak in cultures they don't have access to and understand the world in a different way.

Over the years I have made a game out of reading books...what country do I want to go to? Judging a book by its cover. Reading full collections. Trying to complete all the Pulitzer winners for fiction. These were joyful, adventurous times. I learned a lot. Several years ago when everyone started dying in my family, I lost that imagination. I lost that love of reading. In all seriousness, I was lucky if I could concentrate for more than 10 minutes. My brain was a continual three ring circus I couldn't stop from spinning out of control.

On my side table, I have about 7 books that were started over the last few years and left to sit collecting dust instead of having their words devoured. This year I take my imagination back. I take the books back. I become that explorer I remember being.

The first book finished for 2018 is "Walking" by Henry David Thoreau. I found this book recently at the Library Book Sale and though I had promised myself I wasn't going to indulge on too many books since my attic was full of ones unread, I decided to get this little gem. 60 small pages. What could it hurt?

I have always been interested in Thoreau and Emerson. Both so outspoken for the things of their heart no matter what anyone thought in return.  When you don't live your life like that or have the understanding how, people who do become these unicorns of society. I have always been drawn to a few periods in American History and the 1860-1910 is one that continues to find its way into my heart. The country in Civil War, people standing up for what they believe in, and the great migration West. How I love the look and sound of the Victorian age, but also the rugged, strong faces of pioneers.

Thoreau's "Walking" starts out as a tome about getting outside and seeing the surroundings...about pushing the comfortable boundaries of the time. As this small book ends, it is more about seeking to stay wild at heart, to find adventure, to feel the sun on your face, to look at what nature has given us. This book was written shortly before Thoreau died and knowing this makes the book feel like a deathbed lesson; a pleading to the generations to come to get it right.

"When I would recreate myself, I seek the darkest wood, the thickest and most interminable, and, to the citizen, most dismal swamp. I enter a swamp as a sacred place, --a sanctum sanctorum. There is the strength, the marrow of Nature."

These places we have paved over and put up buildings for people to trade stocks in, to consume home goods and frivolities. I am guilty of using these places. We go there seeking some sort of soul reparation that we don't seem to find when we'd be better walking into the woods, hiking in the desert, swimming in the ocean. That is where we will find the peace we are looking for. How easy it is to forget these things in the bustle of life.

"In short, all good things are wild and free."

Thanks for reading.
Aleathia

Favorite Music Discoveries of 2017

Aleathia says:

Sadly, for the last 6 years I slowly gave up my music listening taste to someone else.
I absorbed their playlist because they were the dominant personality and frankly, if I
played my music outside of my headphones it would get made fun of in that tongue
and cheek sort of way. You know, the dagger with a smile variety. So I lost touch of
so many things I really enjoyed. I am a lover of all music, but there is a certain sound
that sings to my soul. With the help of my friend Brian, I was able to let loose and dig
into new beats and sounds. I learned the art of making a YouTube channel and jumping
from one video to another in search of new music. This started with a seed from
someone else and then became a desire I grew on my own. I look forward to finding
a deeper sense of musical wonder this year.

Click the link to hear some of these gems, or go to my YouTube Channel and listen to
the “Come Sniffing” playlist. Enjoy! I know I have.

Son Lux-Easy

alt-J-Tessellate

Margaret Glaspy-Somebody to Anybody

Esme Patterson-No River

Agnes Obel-Familiar

Chet Faker-Gold

K.Flay-Blood in the Cut

Screaming Females-Hopeless

Charlotte Cardin-Like It Doesn’t Hurt

Japanese Breakfast-The Body is a Blade

Beck-Up All Night

Die Antwoord-Fatty Boom Boom

Goodbye 2017

Aleathia says:

I sit down to write this in the new year and know that I should make promises to blog more and keep up with this darn things, but I don't want to make promises I can't keep.  I am going to put an effort in to sharing more.

2017 as a year in review is a painful one. Grief and sadness and death kept me from doing many of the things I hold dear to my heart, but instead of looking at it negatively, I am looking at the year as a transition period. The end of this year had me dispelling the last of my connections with my ex in the form of deleting all pictures of him and making a stand not to care no matter what the reason. It was killing me slowly and quietly because I am not good at letting things go if they are unanswered to a degree of great understanding. This in itself is a lesson to carry forward.

2017 was an interesting year for my creative side. After a very long dormant period, I rose from the ashes with a new found fury. I have taken on harder cross stitch projects (and even landed a commission), taught myself how to sew yoga bags and play mats, crocheted blankets and scarves and hats, rediscovered my love of collage, participated in photography projects, got asked to be in a fiction collection, wrote 3 poetry collections, designed some fine fabric art projects looking at mental illness, started a bullet journal, and rediscovered a love of drawing. When given the space and the time to focus on it my creativity soars.

I learned to be alone this year and discover the beautiful freedom of personality and individuality that comes with it. I do still have my daughter living at home, but I am alone in the intimate sense that one half of my bed is covered with art projects, books, and remotes rather than a man. This was challenging at first and so full of fear and loneliness, but now I can't ever see myself sharing this space again. Don't get me wrong, I love a good spooning session and affection, but at what cost does this come? I have spent a lifetime being someone that people wanted in just the way they wanted me. Now I get to be who I want to be for myself. This is by far the biggest lesson I have learned.

There has been a lot of yoga this year, though I have slacked a bit at the end, and it has done wonders for my sense of being centered. It has helped physically with my arthritis and has made me not feel so damned old all the time. It is often my mediation. My time alone. My one with the universe sessions. I hope to do more of it this year on a consistent basis and let it open my heart to being less closed off to opportunity and friendships.

Above all, this year has given me deep friendships. I have never been one to have a lot of girlfriends because most of the women I meet are a bit fake and backstabbing. It gets hard to trust them, so I have let only a few magnificent women in my life in the last 40 years. Usually if I make a female friend, I do so until they step away from me for good. I discovered what it means to be supported by another woman, to share of myself and be accepted, to find connection where I believed their would not be any. The circle of women in my life, including my daughter, is a treasure I never thought I would get to experience in my lifetime. I hope the coming year makes those bonds stronger and I can be a worthy friend.

In getting back to the roots of my personality, I bought myself a Tarot deck. I had one years ago when I had the most contact with my authentic identity...when I lived for me. Because I am older and a bit more tongue in cheek these days, I bought a Zombie deck. The art is quite fun and that is what I want my life to be about. I did a year spread to see how the months would unfold and there is much work ahead of me actually. 2017 may have been only the pre-transition year and 2018 will find me working through this transition with challenges and frustrations and things not moving along as fast as I would like, but with determination and good decision making, I will come out on top.

I know this post is long and attention spans are short. If you have made it this far, thank ye kindly. I hope to be bringing back posts of art and discovery. Music. Movies. Books! I am going for it this year. As always, thanks for sticking around these last few years while I fumble through life. It means a lot. Happy New Year. Let's make it our bitch.

Aleathia

Sit. Stay. Heal

Aleathia says:

It is strange to wake up one day when you think your life is starting to go in the “right” direction only to find that you have rut a circle in the carpet moving in all the same directions. The last seven months I have imagined to myself that I was working on getting stronger and doing better things in my life.  I was exercising, doing yoga, meditating, drawing, writing, doing self help things, eating better, and keeping busy.  What happens when I stop? The world comes crashing in like a tsunami.

In the last few days I have had to admit to myself that I live in a constant state of distraction. This distraction lends itself to not being able to sit with myself and in all this pain I have been carrying around for years. I have some unnatural desire to be my own superhero. I want to save myself from myself, but that is not how it works. That road, for good or bad, is full of self-absorption and ego.

Three days ago I started reading Pema Chodron’s “Taking the Leap” which is a book that helps one to recognize the strength of old habits and fears and what they can do to you. More importantly, how it affects everyone around you and then the people around them etc. My one hurtful word or action is a ripple so far reaching you can’t even imagine it. If I stopped to think of that every time I did or said something, I might make different choices.

Today’s lesson was on shenpa or attachment. Shenpa is preverbal...that moment someone says or does something that tightens you up before you say or act after it. It is directly attached to the ego and who you think you are in the world and the more threatened you feel, the stronger shenpa gets. It is literally the charge behind your emotions.  It finds us when we are in places of discomfort and restlessness and boredom,

Understanding this brought me to tears today. I am so full of fear, unnaturally so, and maybe because this particular type of shenpa is so familiar I can taste and smell it. It is not unlike the analogy of wearing destruction like your favorite blanket. You know it is wrong but it is so familiar and comfortable. It gives a false sense of security.

In Buddhism, I have always heard of renunciation which I equated to “giving up” this way of life I am living. I was deep into practice many years ago when I found out I was pregnant. It had taken me a decade to have a kid and I felt supremely attached to this child growing inside me. I eventually moved from the city to a place where being Buddhist meant you were somehow strange and evil and outside the community. I stopped daily practice. I went back to it time and again sad that I didn’t have the courage to renunciate life and walk a road that might make me open and free. Over the years I have practiced more readily. I have found ways to practice invisibly, afraid others would judge me.

Today, after 20 years, I learn that renunciation isn’t about giving up things and ideas and preferences, but it is the act of releasing the firm attachment to them.  Pema writes that when we are able to let go a wisdom becomes accessible to us that is based in compassion for oneself and others that has nothing to do with our ego’s fears.

“Because of shenpa, you get attached to the self-image of failure”- Pema Chodron

Yes, yes I do.

The answer to this is simply Sit. Stay. Heal. Distracting myself from the pain of everything in this world doesn’t make the pain less, it makes it stronger and harder to peel back the layers to get to that sense of peace and openness.  I have been running at a breakneck speed from pain since 2014 when my mother died. It has all tumbled and spiraled into something that has marred and ruined many friendships and relationships in my life. In essence, my shenpa has left me alone grasping to things around me for a sense of self. Fear is such a powerful emotion. It is innate in us for protection from harm, but when we manipulate it and hold it and cherish it, it can destroy possibilities of freedom.

Today, I sit with the pain no matter how awful it feels. I can’t run anymore.

Aleathia Drehmer