I am sheer pages from finishing "Curious" so in honor of that I have picked up another non-fiction book to go in its place. As it seems, these books are picking me by title alone. There is something adventurous about choosing a book in which you have no preconcieved idea of what the contents are about. Life is full of small mysteries. You should exploit them when you can.
The book "You are NOT Special" by David McCullough, Jr. jumped out at me. The size of the book is smaller than average and who is not intrigued by that title? Who dare say that we are not special?!!
I have read the foreword and this book stemmed from a graduation speech given to his students in 2012. He meant it as a farewell and good luck....as something the students could use as they were moving out on their own into this great big world. It was 12 minutes long. Someone posted it to the internet and McCullough was inundated with responses from all over the world, across all cultures.
We are living in a world where we micromanage our children. I know this to be true of myself in some cases and in the last year since my mother died I have been trying to whoa it back some. If I plan out my child's every move, every day...when does she get to figure out who she is? When does she get to fail and pull herself up from that? Experience, both good and bad, are a part of life and it is the hard points in our life that really do build our character. Those times teach us to rely on ourselves and to persevere. If we bubble wrap our kids then we set them up for failure no matter how good our intentions are to give them a "good life".
Here is a passage from the foreword:
"Today's teenagers are, too many of them, unwitting victims of their parents' good intentions--or passive agents of their parents' vanity, or pawns to their parents' insecurities, or anxieties, or limited imaginations. They've become showpieces in an arms race to impress admissions officers, and thereby the Joneses, and perpetuate the legacy of privilege. The competition is, after all, stiff out there. And from atop the stepladder of often considerable resources, kids can look pretty tall, and absolutely the view from up there can be wonderfully enriching. Too often, though, their privileges are unwisely expended, in my view, and serve to promote, however inadvertently, swelling narcissism, assumptions of entitlement, superficial and/or robotic thinking. Empathy withers. Maturation is slowed or halted altogether. Self reliance dies in the bud. And the anxious parent feels compelled to intercede once again."--David McCullough Jr
It is hard to look yourself in the mirror and know that on some level you do this to your children, that I do this to my child. I grew up in a somewhat hostile environment with little supervision. I am a survivor and one that can pull myself up, but I was also very scared and lonely all the time. It was hard to make decisions because I was never sure what sort of punishment would be at the end of them. My mother held high potential in me despite her never having graduated high school and this created a severe anxiety in me about always coming out on top. I needed to be perfect in everything I did or I wasn't living up to my potential, or I wasn't worth loving. This was how I felt in high school. This notion followed me around in my adult life until about 4 years ago when Michael changed my personal perspective and my boss Andrea changed my professional perspective. They believed in me. They loved me for who I am and for my natural abilities that I was afraid to showcase for fear of being judged too harshly and for fear of failing and being a disappointment.
This is the last thing I would ever want for my kid, but in some strange undercurrent it is something that we have done. I have been backing off but her father is so hard on her. She talks about fear and anxiety every time she gets a grade less than 84 because he shames her and takes away the things that make her happy. What? She doesn't want me to say anything because she believes it will make things worse. She was in tears the other day. I feel bad for her, but I told her that she will have to beat him at his own game. We discussed reverse psychology and other defense mechanisms that might be going on. Her father wasted his chance to go to college and have a career, twice, and I believe that he is so afraid she will do the same that he doesn't give her a chance to be her own person. All I can do is support her at home. I tried for 16 years to win that battle with her father before giving up. Sometimes you have to make your own way and have a leap of faith.
I can't wait to dig in to this new book. Reading is fundamental!
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