Spinning Wheels

Aleathia says:

This Sunday was a hard shift...busy and acute and short handed, but this is nothing new.  Night shift is notorious for doing more with so much less.  Those of us who brave it, who commit to the lifestyle understand we are a different breed of human.  We sleep when the sun is up (if we sleep at all), we are bossy and courageous, we hardly get time to eat or go to the bathroom, and we often laugh away the pain we feel every second we are at work.  It is hard to explain to day people...to "normal" folk because it is something you have to live.  It sinks into your bones and replicates.

When I set out to be a nurse I had a plan for myself.  I started on the night shift because it was available and because I decided it afforded me the most time with my child.  I would miss the sleeping hours and the school hours.  For the last 12 years this has worked for me, but as my body gets older and my patience a little shorter, I find it harder and harder to work the shift.  I love the ER and I have really put my blood, sweat, and tears into the place.  My mind is always cranking out ideas on how we could make it better and more efficient....how it could be a better place for everyone that works there.

In the last few months, there was talk of maybe adding an assistant manager to the unit and that position would encompass much of the work I already do for my boss outside of my job duties.  I have loved doing this extra work because it meant I was helping my manager who really wants great things for us and it gave me a sense of passion about moving forward.  In my mind, I know I could do this position.  I have certain strengths that would elevate what my manager is already doing.  I have a certain gift for organization and numbers, but this morning, reality set in.

The position requires the person to be an RN, preferably a BSN, or on the degree track with attainment in a set amount of time.  I knew this a month ago, but I really had pulled the wool over my own eyes thinking the world was a different place and that the experience, passion, and groundwork already achieved would be enough.  It isn't.

It sort of crushed me today to realize that what I have to offer doesn't mean anything to upper management because I don't have a string of letters behind my name.  I could get a degree, but I don't want it just to make someone else happy.  I also don't want to be on the fast track to run the unit.  In this phase of my life I want to be working towards more time with my family, not less.  I cried a little today understanding that my inherent gifts can't be validated.

I have never been the one to fit in anyway.  I have been on the fringe of everything for my lifetime. I'm generally an observer and this time I threw myself out into the center ring.  Sometimes you have to jump.  Sometimes you fall.  My reactionary heart got the best of me today.  I was angry at so many things.  I wanted to quit my job.  I wanted to stop doing all the extra things I do and I still might.  I miss taking care of patients.  I miss having that little section of the unit that is my bubble and I can concentrate on giving great care instead of running around trying to keep the unit together.

I just want to have a full life...not full of just one thing over the other, but a well rounded and loving life.  In the end, as much as I would have wanted that position, it is a blessing to not be in the running for it.  This means I get to jump off the wheel a bit and keep focus on what truly matters....love and life and my two best people in the world who never let me down.

I Am A Mother of a Teenage Daughter...and I Love It.

Aleathia says:

Holy Hannah!  It has been over a month since I posted, but not without great reason.  Life has been happening people, lots and lots of life.  I have been taking online courses to further my education at work.  They aren't official classes in the sense I get credit for them, but what does that matter anyway if I learn and retain the knowledge?  Does it only count if I have a piece of paper?  Wouldn't it count more if I could actually use the knowledge at work and share it with others?

I am still running, or what I call running, despite a few muscle strains.  I run when I tell myself I can't.  I run when I want to and when I need to.  I don't go more than 2 miles most of the time, but each time I run more of that 2 miles is running rather than walking which I find to be an accomplishment.

We have been having dog problems of the worst kind.  Diarrhea in the house...repeatedly, which leads to anger which leads to the ugliest part of me pushing to the surface.  It really has showed me how easy it is to lose my compassion in the face of samsara.  I can hear myself yelling over things the dog cannot control.  I feel myself have guilt, but still not shut my mouth.  I had to go running the one day to think about things.  Marshall was abandoned and then imprisoned and we saved him.  It took him a long time to really trust that we were going to keep him.  It took a long time to show the physical extent of his separation anxiety which in the beginning was howling and a bit of pacing.  It is now full on loss of bodily functions.  Part of me wanted to take the easy road and take him back to the pound.  The other part of me understands what it is like to be abandoned and yelled at all the time for things you don't understand.  All he knows is that we are his pack and he is lonely when we aren't here.  I get that.  I am lonely when my family isn't around either.  So, we (more me) have come up with a plan: more activity, probiotics, and less vocalization one way or the other about good and bad. Bad attention is still attention as far as he is concerned.  It has been a journey...a messy, stinky journey.

I have been filling my life with work and sewing and reading and crafts.  It seems like there is not enough time in the day to squeeze all this life in.  In addition to that I am still trying to be a great girlfriend and a great mom.  I'm trying to not burn out at work, but feeling less successful at that then all the rest.  I have been doing the same thing for the last 8 years with the only change being it is getting busier and more stressful.  People are leaving and moving on.  I just don't want to get bitter in my job.  I love what I do, it is just overwhelming most of the time.

Which brings me to the topic of conversation....teenage daughter.  I have to tell you that through all the years I have heard mothers bitch about teenagers and how horrible it is to parent them.  I tried my best when I was a teenager to be good.  I am sure I added a few gray hairs to my mother's head, but for the most part I was good.  I worked, got good grades, didn't drink or do drugs, was involved in plays and choirs and sports, and I did volunteer work.  I had a messy room, but I did chores and at one point was a caregiver to my infirmed mother at the age of 14 when no one else would help.  In essence, I didn't have time to be a teenager.  I went from kid to adult, but it suited me for the most part.  I was always older and quieter in my heart.

I have spent all of Chloe's life trying to raise her with respect, honesty, kindness, and individuality. These were things not given to me as a child.  I was given fear, authority, loneliness, and a be like everyone else attitude.  I never had a voice or an opinion.  Chloe is different from the other kids at school.  She knows she is and in the beginning I thought she may have had a social disorder.  She had all the signs on paper, but in the end it was a case of late blooming.  She is turning into this wonderful young lady who is respectful, kind, smart, funny, and sometimes eager to move on to bigger and better things.  Michael has been a great influence on the shaping of my little girl.  He was and always will be the "cool kid" that I never was and has such a way of presenting the world that makes Chloe take notice.  She looks up to him and I love that.

I love this time in her life where she is blooming and growing and discovering what it is she wants out of life when she leaves here.  In history class, she has to pick current event topics and the things she chooses makes me proud...makes me know that she is listening when we have our dinner talks about what is going on in the world.  Most of all I am happy that she loves talking to me and sharing her world with me honestly and openly.  She gives me the opportunity to share my life experiences with her in a way that might influence how she makes decisions for her own future.  I have always been brutally honest with her and in my heart I feel like she respects me for that.

In a time when so many of my friends are having horror stories to share about their teenagers, I feel lucky and blessed and so happy that I made the choices I did when she was younger.  It is always a risk.  You never know if how your captain the ship will end in stormy weather or not.  I hope we stay the course and keep moving forward in positive ways.  Life isn't perfect and she makes mistakes, but I always tell her that it is the mistakes we make that give us the best opportunity to learn if we have the courage to look at it that way.  We are not perfect.  That is such an unattainable idea, but we do have in us the ability to give the best we can do right now.  Life is an ever changing journey.  There is a rotation between ups and downs and we have to not get too lost in either of them so that we see the wonder there is in both.

9/7/2015 Run, Run as Fast as You Can

Aleathia says:

Wow.  It has been a long time since I have posted something and an even longer time since I actually fired up the computer and not my phone.  Summer has been interesting.  It has mostly been filled with sewing, sprinkled with television and gardening, and enjoying my family.  But most interestingly is that I have started running.

(crickets)

I KNOW!

I have never been a runner.  I have been the girl with the art pad or the book in the corner watching other people play sports or do what normal kids do.  It isn't that I don't like to play sports or be active, but that I have always been a bit lacking in the grace department as well as the confidence department.   This makes sports a bit awkward.

Most of the girls at work partake in running....they do half and full marathons, they run 5K's, they run the Ragnar, they get muddy at the Warrior.  I see all of the pictures and I think about the fun I am missing, about the friendships I am not building because I am sitting at home.  I feel left out.

I know that running is a strange sport.  You are the only one who can make yourself move forward, yet you can run in groups while still maintaining your own individual mountain to climb.  Running has scared me on so many levels with failure being on the top of the list...embarrassment very closely behind.  So why did I chose to start it?

My life has been littered with deaths in the last 5 years, as I have mentioned before, and most recently my step-father was killed in an accident.  Both he and my mother induced the most amount of fear in me in my life.  They made me want to hold back.  Now they are both gone and I realize that I don't have to fear them and most importantly I don't have to fear life.

I set out to use the couch to 5K app on my phone.  I thought I would try it.  If I failed at it, at least I wasn't too afraid to try.  At least I didn't give up on myself before I started like I usually do.  I completed my third run yesterday.  My legs didn't fall off.  I didn't have an asthma attack.  I didn't feel embarrassed about the way my extra weight shimmies with every foot fall.  This alone is a personal accomplishment.

I won't lie, the runner's high is pretty awesome and the way my muscles burn makes me feel more alive than anything I have done in a long time.  My goal is to run the Selfless Elf 5K in December with the rest of my ER girls.  It is hard to visualize me running it based on where I am right now, but I am going to do it.  I have to do it.  Just for me.

7/22/2015 Going Home, Part 2

Aleathia says:

I returned this week from a trip to my hometown to see my Pop and his wife Carol as well as my Meem.  This was the first long trip I have taken with my dear Chloe since she was about 10 years old. It was a fun time in the car playing alternating choices in music. She endured my old folks music and I made it through an entire CD of Pierce the Veil without vomiting. There was some great crossover likes with Green Day, The White Stripes, and The Postal Service. She even sang along to some Aretha Franklin and only looked at me slightly weird when I played The Smiths.  We had time to talk and laugh and just hang out together without the pressures of regular life.  I think we really needed this; I really needed this.

We were supposed to stay at Meem's house, but my Pop really wanted us to stay with him so we chose that option instead.  It was probably for the best because my grandmother has a bit of a hoarding problem and it was evident when I went over there and she answered the door in a sweat and was trying to pick up her space so we could actually walk in the house.  I had feared this would happen, but what can I do when I live 6 hours away?  My mother had helped her originally pare down and keep it down, but over the year and a half she had fallen back to her old ways.  Most of the living spaces were just cluttered, but the kitchen was an atrocity.  Both Chloe and I had to hold back the tears at how our beloved Meem was living.  No 82 year old should have to be like this.

Despite all of this, she looked to be in good health and good spirits for turning 82.  Both Chloe and I jumped right in and started to clean.  This has to be done with a delicate hand when you are working with a hoarder.  They have a strange attachment to things of no personal value.  It has nothing to do with the items as much as it is the blanket that covers them, the hoard keeps them safe from the outside world.  I told her everything I was going to do before I did it.  I asked her advice when making rearrangements and as we went further into the hoard she was more and more willing. It took me 4 hours to redo her pantry which is no bigger than a small walk in closet.  It took me at least 4-6 more hours to do the rest of the cupboards in her kitchen.  When I left, her dishes were clean and all her walk ways were cleared up.  My biggest fear was her falling in the night and no one would ever know it because she doesn't often answer the phone or the door. When we were done, she thanked me for unburying her, for being so kind with her things, and considerate of her unusual collection of empty yogurt cups.  Most of her food was expired and I told her that she needed to be careful before she ate anything.  We would have needed a therapist if we were throwing the food away.

On her 82nd birthday we were going to take her out to dinner, but Pop and Carol suggested we have her over for a cook out.  We made chicken, hot dogs, hamburgers, baked beans, salad, potato salad and the neighbor made her a pumpkin birthday cake.  Just a small amount of my Pop's family came along with a few of their neighbors. The weather was perfect.  Meem was so surprised when we came out of the apartment with a candle lit and everyone sang her Happy Birthday. She was unusually outgoing and talkative.  She had a certain glow about her.  When I was walking her to the car to take her home she told me in all her years it was the best birthday party she had ever had. Tears brimmed in my eyes as well as Chloe's and it felt so good to be human and vulnerable and compassionate at that moment.  Meem has been my heart for so long.  Her quiet love and understanding one of the most beautiful things I have ever known.  It was my personal honor that she had such a great night and that this gathering of people gave her a feeling of warmth and confidence.

Chloe and I had plenty of time to spend with Pop and Carol.  We had been working on our relationship for a few years now, but it is different to spend physical time with someone.  I was especially happy that my daughter got to spend time with her grandparents and get to know them as she has not really had the opportunity.  This is my fault in great part and the other part was sometimes distance and time.  I should have made more of an effort and I didn't, but from this step we take another.

There were lots of times of laughter and so many early mornings (6 am is NOT sleeping in!) and good food. I took Chloe to the best hot dog stand I know...Buster's!!

There were walks with the dog and teaching them how to use the computer and beautiful, comfortable silence that only happens with people you love.

Geocaching Horseshoe Falls-DNF

Geocaching Baldwin Park-Yay we found one!

Geocaching Terryville Waterwheel-DNF

Recently, Chloe and I started geocaching.  For those of you not in the know, it is like treasure hunting without treasure.  It is often physically and mentally demanding (especially if you are directionally challenged).  It takes patience and perseverance. When you find it, you feel elated and high and so proud of yourself.  When we don't find the cache we are a bit disappointed but hell if it doesn't make me want to go back.  It is like knowing you are standing next to the red X on the ground and just can't see it.  It makes me feel alive for some reason.  I drag Chloe along even when she doesn't want to because two sets of eyes are better than one and hell if we all couldn't use a little more exercise.

Because of my close proximity to Massachusetts, I was able to meet up with my Forked Road mate, my 555 publisher Joseph Bouthiette Jr.  We had been friends for years on the internet and more than once he has pushed me to write when I thought there was nothing left in the tank.  He was just as fun and quirky in person as he has been online.  He is a man with so much knowledge and drive and has a head full of ideas that often baffle me and move me to explore my own mind.  It was fun to share a dinner experience with him and his lady Kaylee.  My kiddo was even more outgoing than usual and asked him questions.  Normally she sits there like a silent partner.  It was good to see her have a bit more confidence in herself.  It also means Joe was cool as hell to bring this out in her.

We decided in the end to come home early.  It was blistering hot in Connecticut and I missed Michael so much.  I missed my home and my dog and my garden and the view from my sidewalk.  I missed my bed and my routines.  There is nothing like visiting your hometown, but nothing better than going home. There is nothing like having the opportunity to have a place you love so much you can't stand to be away.  I have longed for this my whole life.  I finally have it.  I feel like a million bucks.  I feel blessed as hell.

7/12/2015 Going Home

Aleathia says:

This week I prepare to go home for the first time since my mother died.  I hadn't really had time to think about what that means to me until today.  I am not exactly sure how I will feel about seeing all the familiar sights of home knowing that I won't have to wait 3 hours for my mom to get ready to go anywhere or smell her perfume or hear her incessant talking about whatever squirrels her brain.  This isn't a sad trip by any means.  It is a trip of new beginnings which can be just as scary as sorrow.  I'm opening my heart to whatever comes my way.

I turned 42 this year and the true meaning of life reveals itself when we are ready to see it.  I am blessed in so many ways.  I have nothing to complain about though I usually can find things to blather on about when I'm not mindful.  I'm hoping to DO as little as possible this time around and enjoy what summer has to offer as it offers itself.

This year my Meem will be turning 82 years old.  I know her days are numbered as she reaches the sunset of her life and I have looked up to this woman my whole life.  She has always been my rock; a silent partner of courage.  It will be great to see her again and I hope she has been doing well.  I call, but she hardly ever answers the phone.  That is just how she is...mostly silent and wise and very happy to be in her own company for long periods of time.

This trip will be the first time my Pop has had a chance to get to know his grand-daughter, really know her as a person.  Their encounters in recent history have been awkward exchanges at funerals or when she was too young to really remember.  I hope it is the beginning of a wonderful relationship, because he is a pretty amazing man.  The stories of his adventures in this great country have always seemed fantastical to me.  He is a man of patience and perseverance.  He is honest to a fault.  He is a man of quiet love.  All the best things in my life I have learned from him despite our scattered time together over the years.  Many people talk a good game, he just lives one.

This trip will be about spending time with family, laughing, talking, and sharing ourselves in an honest way.  I might even get to meet a few friends whom I have known online and who I have collaborated with as a writer.  Who knows....we might even work some geocaching in there too.

7/3/2015 Liliana Porter, artist

Aleathia says:

It is the wee hours of the morning and for some reason I cannot sleep and do not feel like myself. Maybe it is the dregs of this full moon phase pulling me in theoretical directions.  One cannot be sure. So like all good modern folk, I started to troll social media and remembered that I had a Tumblr account.  I thought it would be good to see what was floating around in the art world that I had not yet seen.

I came across a post from someone in my feed about an artist named Liliana Porter.  I am often not sure what attracts me to certain kinds of art and I love how the brain is so independent in that way.  Liliana Porter is an artist originally from Argentina but has been living in NYC since 1964.  Her work takes on several different medias including photography, works on paper, works on canvas, and installation art.  When I started looking through her gallery of work I could not help but miss Cy Twombly.  There is something about the vast amount of white in her work and the way images are placed on the canvas that give me the same delight as Twombly's work does.  I was lucky enough to see an installation of Twombly sculptures in Chicago several years ago.  It was also heavy on the white.

If you would like to read more about Liliana Porter you can visit her website.

Here is her artist's statement:

"In the last years, parallel to photography and video, I have been making works on canvas, prints, drawings, collages, and small installations. Many of these pieces depict a cast of characters that are inanimate objects, toys and figurines that I find in flea markets, antique stores, and other odd places. The objects have a double existence. On the one hand they are mere appearance, insubstantial ornaments, but, at the same time, have a gaze that can be animated by the viewer, who, through it, can project the inclination to endow things with an interiority and identity. These "theatrical vignettes" are constructed as visual comments that speak of the human condition. I am interested in the simultaneity of humor and distress, banality and the possibility of meaning."

Works on Paper

Works on Canvas

Installations

7/1/2015 Relay for Life (I have the best co-workers)

Aleathia says:

June 19th the Relay for Life happened in my town.  The idea for a team started after taking my daughter to a committee meeting because her father was not available to take her.  I got to thinking about how I had not given back to the community...I had been selfish for a number of years covering my own wounds from grief.  My daughter's involvement sparked me to do something good.

I started a team for our hospital, Corning ER and Friends, in hopes that my co-workers would join me in the fight against cancer.  It has touched all of our lives in some way or another.  Recently I have lost a lot of family to cancer.  I have some family who has survived it, including myself, and some who may not.  Each journey is different.  Each struggle personal.

To raise money, I made eye pillows that were filled with rice and scented with Lavender, Peppermint, or Bergamot.  I was surprised at how well received it was in pre-sales (not so much at the event), but my co-workers really bought them up and I hope they provide some comfort in the end. I also had hand made journals for sale. Robin Cooper made beautiful tote bags that we raffled off and Vicki Knarr did chair massages at the event which was greatly received.  Melody Ginnan came and watched the sales table for part of the night.

My best girlfriend Marlene Greenall stuck it out all night with me.  She walked as much as she could and kept me going in the hours when I could have dropped on the ground and fell asleep.  I walked 17 miles in less than 24 hours and I hurt for a week afterwards, but nothing takes away that feeling that something good was done here.  My favorite and most humbling moment was when I had to walk the Survivor's lap.  People applauding that fact that I was still alive and inside I felt like maybe I didn't deserve that honor.  My struggle was more emotional than physical and after my surgery I did not need any kind of chemo or radiation, but there was a point where they told me I might not have children.  I was 27 years old.  It was devastating, but I thought, at least I will have my life.  As I made my way around the track, my daughter came up beside me and asked if she could walk with me because she was pretty glad I was still alive.  It was hard to hold back the tears of joy to be there with all of these people who had fought and won, to remember all of those people who didn't win.

I love that my co-workers came out to support the even, donated their money and their time. Thank you Kristen Heck, Melanie Vanzile, Vicki Knarr, Robin Cooper, Tammy Monahan, Andrea Champion, Stephanie Manning, Meloday Ginnan, Tina Losey, Marlene Greenall,and Mary Buth. We even had a few folks from Rural Metro show up to give their support.  Thanks Billy Sanford and Joe Hawkins!

Our team looked to raise $1,000 and we beat our goal at $1,100!!  Our event hoped to raise $85,000 and we blew it out of the water raising $106,000 making us the largest fundraiser in our region! Us..tiny little Corning, NY.  Great job to our community and to everyone that came out.  It was a blessed evening and I can't wait to do it again next year with a little more time to prepare.  Love you all.