It is no secret that I have had a struggle with food my whole life. In high school I had an eating disorder that I thankfully was able to wean myself out of and modify to survive somewhat normally. I would binge eat because I hated myself. I would sit there crying as I shoved the food in my mouth knowing that I was not hungry and that I would regret it in the long run, but I couldn't stop. I would hate myself even more the next day and do a combination of starvation and exercise and excessive gum chewing to make up for what I had eaten. I was able to get away with not eating because my mother was either not home or intoxicated so she didn't follow my habits.
It was a miserable existence. I know why it started. Binge eating for me was about filling a hole. I had a shitty emotional life and that was my coping skill along with joining every club I possibly could to not have to go home. I have a love hate relationship with food. Good food makes you feel good. I just have a hard time stopping putting it in my mouth. Diets are a touchy subject for me because if it involves counting calories I get uniquely obsessive and anxious and the eating disorder wants to creep out. I promised myself I would never go back to that place. Never.
The reason I stopped in my senior year, despite my life having not changed, was that a friend of mine was also suffering with bulimia, but was enacting the vomiting portion of the disease. She was getting ill and as friends an intervention was staged and she was put in a program for help. I understood where she was coming from. I knew the pain she was held down by and I didn't want to have to go through an intervention myself if anyone found out about me. So I did my best to quit my behaviors. It was hard. It is still hard to find balance. I haven't gotten very good at it.
Last August we went off our gluten free diet. I was only on it to support Michael while his stomach healed and we found his real allergy which was peanuts. We were also tired of not having fun and enjoying fairs and nights out. It felt like we were trapped in a box or that we were in our 70's. It was depressing, so we thought we would cheat off the gluten free diet just a little. We are full force gluten again and it is the worst I have felt in 3 years. I gained 20 pounds, my joints ache terrible, and I have abdominal discomfort almost all day long. You would think that would be enough to stop, but it isn't.
There have been some studies coming out about whether or not gluten is really the problem or if it is the sugars created by the gluten that cause the problems. There is some sort of diet called FODMAP which guides people to eat foods that will not cause the stomach to have high fermentable items in the intestines. Sugars, gluten, and yeast cause fermentation. I started looking this up today because I am getting so uncomfortable in my body. Michael rolled his eyes because he knows that I have such a hard time sticking with it. He was nice enough to say I wasn't weak, just easily swayed. He and I have both had food problems though his was more about germs so I know he understands the difficulty in trying to stop bad habits.
The FODMAP list is very reasonable. There are inclusions of so many things that I love to eat, but the thought of excising all the stuff I have been eating throws me into a panic...a deep internal struggle despite knowing I will feel so much better in the end. I have to do something. Even if it hurts.
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