For those of you who know me well it is understood that I forgive, but I never forget. You know that I worry to the point of a character flaw. This often makes me obsessive about how and when things should be done. It gives me a static picture of the world. In this space and time I live in that static picture does not get disrupted too much. But when it does, oh good gracious, it isn't pretty.
I have been practicing Buddhism since 1997. Every day is a journey. Every day I am forced to evaluate my level of understanding, my compassion, and challenge my struggles with impermanence. The whole point is to get off the wheel; to end suffering. At least, this is how I understand it. There are a lot of texts in between filled with stories of how to get there. I won't pretend that I am versed in all of them. I'm a lazy Buddhist in that sense. But I believe in that middle way. When I can walk on it, the world is much clearer and I understand so much more. I can't claim that road too often.
The other day my daughter was invited to spend the night at a friend's house. I have met this friend on several occasions and she is a nice girl. She goes out of her way to say hi to my daughter and is one of the only people whose number has landed in her phone. I have met the girl's mother too and she seemed nice as well. So I didn't really hesitate when her friend asked her to spend the night.
I drove her over there in the early evening. It was way out in the country and we had trouble finding the place. We eventually did and it didn't look like a bad place until we walked inside. There were almost 2 dozen cats wandering around the house, dirty dishes, garbage on the floor, feces all over, and my instinct was to grab my kid and tell the friend forget it. But they were so happy to see each other. I waited for an adult to surface and when they didn't I asked the friend where her father was. She stated that he went to the gas station for coffee and would be right back. I accepted her word on it, kissed my kid goodbye, and started my long chain of worry.
All night I sat in a panic attack about the state of the girl's house. I was reviled by the smell of the place and wanted so much to drive back there and get my kid to the safe, cleanliness of our home. I also didn't want to be "that" parent. Michael thought I was being a bit judgmental and mistaking the state of the house for the type of people they are. This really stung me and I thought about it all night.
Had I really turned into one of those people that looked down their nose at people because their idea of clean was light years from mine? What sort of example do I set for my child if I yanked her out early? Am I teaching her to give up? Am I teaching her that she will always have it good? It was hard to sit with myself for this conversation. I sat all night stitching and trying to find the middle way. I went to bed with palpitations and shortness of breath from panic and hoped for the best in the morning.
When I woke up there was a text from my child telling me there was a rat in her hair. WHAT???? And then came the picture. It looked like a hairless rat had died in her hair. I could feel the panic and the vomit rising. I know rats (pet ones at least) are pretty clean, but given the state of the house I wasn't sure what to think. I was supposed to pick my kid up around 4 pm, but I decided that I just couldn't do that. It was eating me up. In the face of danger, my compassion for anyone but my own child went out the window. My solitary focus was extracting her from that place. I felt a bit hardened towards her friend and the situation.
I arrived at her friend's house and there was no car there which meant no adult. I had her collect her things and if it were possible, the house was worse after 24 hours. More feces and some more garbage, and even cat vomit. The friend asked me for a ride to the local high school where her mother was. I agreed to drop her off. On the drive home I had to roll down the window because not only did the friend smell like cat feces, but my own kid did as well. It was hard to hold back the tears while driving. It was hard to try and make small talk. I had so many emotions coming at me at the same time. Anger, Fear, Sadness, Disgust.
I felt bad that I left my kid in this situation, but more so I felt bad for her friend who had to live like that every day. The friend didn't seem to think anything was wrong and appeared comfortable in her surroundings which made it even more sad.
After we dropped the friend off, the truth came out. There were not adults at the house the night before until 9:30 pm! 5 hours alone. She said they left around 9 am in the morning and had not been back when I came to pick her up. She said she couldn't drink the water because it was brown and dared not eat their food because the kitchen was so foul. She got scratched by several of the cats and so now we are on the look out for infection and her allergies were so bad (allergic to cats) her eyes and throat hurt.
I was angry and disgusted that the friend's parents live this way when I know they both have jobs and nice cars. I was angry that they would invite my kid to spend the night when they had no plans on keeping her safe or even being there. I was angry because these parents did not have the same values as me. They did not have the same path and did not have the hope that their children's lives would be successful.
I had to explain to my daughter that due to safety reasons she would not be spending the night there ever again and that the state of her friend's living conditions doesn't change how good a friend she is to her. I had to apologize for seeming judgmental as I made her strip on the porch so I could run the clothes she was wearing to the washing machine filled with hot water and soap.
After her shower she said she felt better and didn't know she could smell that bad just by being in the house. I used this time to remind her to be thankful of what she has and for being a good guest by not embarrassing her friend by commenting on the state of her living conditions. In the end, my daughter had "fun".
I am navigating this world the best I can. I am trying to set a good example of how working hard and being smart and compassionate will help you move forward in the world. I feel like I was put at a cross roads this weekend of being understanding and compassionate and going insane. It is hard to be a parent. It is hard to know when to draw the line between over-cautious parent and careless parent. One will react with the other greatly. In the end, I hope to learn something about myself from this. I hope to handle myself better and maybe speak out when the voice is screaming inside rather than let it eat me away.
So much work to do.
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