Life, as we know it, is a series of decisions. Each of these choices moves us down a slightly different path that we might not see veering left or right at the time of happening. Each choice thus has a positive or negative action/reaction that effects everyone we come in contact with.
In Buddhism, one of the first things I learned was The Four Noble Truths. Birth, Suffering, Old Age, Death. It is simplified, yes, but that is how I look at it. Our lives are one long string of suffering. Some seek enlightenment from this suffering and others just turn the wheel and keep moving in circles. It is hard to live by the vows I took so many years ago. There are 10 Grand Precepts:
No Killing (I do well with this one)
No Stealing (Never on purpose)
No Misusing Sex (I'm good and proper)
No Lying (I am truthful 99% of the time)
No Abusing Intoxicants (We shall talk about this)
No Talking about Others Faults (epic fail)
No Elevating Oneself and Blaming others (could still use some work)
No Being Stingy (this could use work)
No Being Angry (uh-oh)
No Speaking Ill of the Three Treasures (pretty darn good at it)
If I start at the top with No Killing it is pretty easy. I have never been one to want to see things die. I have tried to save animals and people at own risk to my own health. It is no wonder I chose a life in healthcare though today's modern medicine it could be questioned if we do harm with all the medications and treatments rather than letting the body work itself out.
No Stealing. Hmm. I did used to be a pen klepto in a bad way, but I was never a shoplifter or an out right thief. I think stealing is pretty shitty.
No Misusing Sex. This would be sexual relations that hurts me or someone else. I have to say that in the past I have done this, sadly. I am human after all. But I have never engaged in activities to directly hurt someone with malice. These happenings would be in the younger years when I was rife with stupidity.
No Lying. Oh my. When I was 8 years old everything I said was a lie, on purpose. It was a stand against my stepfather. I was beaten for it everyday too. He tried to break me and it never worked. Eventually he gave up and then I quit lying. I felt like I had won. I didn't win much. I have never been good at lying anyway. I have one of those faces where it just shows up in neon. My father chose my name because it means "Truth". It is hard to get away from a name like that. Honesty is always the best policy.
No Abusing Intoxicants. Ok. I was young once and did a fair amount of abuse, but after I had Chloe it really wasn't hard to put it all down. I had responsibility. Growing up in a house of addicts and alcoholics I was used to seeing what sort of life it would bring and naturally chose the other direction. This isn't to say that I didn't drink along the way, but I wasn't abusive with it. In the last year, in a stay of support for Michael, I have not had a drink of alcohol. It is strange that I would miss it having never really loved it in the first place, but I miss that feeling of letting go sometimes. I am fully aware that I am fully immersed in reality as it should be, but hell if I don't miss letting my hair down from time to time. When Michael and I drank, at our worst, I spent less time with my kiddo and more time hung over. When she started mentioning it, I knew there was a problem and quit drinking. But why isn't there a middle road? I have been an all or nothing person most of my life. It is frustrating and lonely there like a self imposed prison. This needs revisiting for the both of us.
No Talking About Others' Errors or Faults. Oh dear lord. Work brings out the worst in me in this aspect. I do this all the time even though I know it is bad on a professional level as well as a spiritual level. I am one of those people that can find the good in others when most people cannot, but there are some people that I cannot do that with and it creates a freight train of negativity. I need to be better at this. This concept feeds a few others and puts me in a vicious circle.
Not Elevating Oneself and Blaming Others. I don't often play the blame game. I'm pretty good at taking one for the team but I would be liar if I said that I didn't lay blame here and there. Most of the time it is reactionary when I don't know what to do. This requires a bit more thought and patience.
Not Being Stingy. I have to say when I was younger I would give away everything I had to make other people happy or make them want me around. Maybe that was giving with strings which isn't true generosity, but most of the time I felt good about the giving. I am still that way in some aspects. I do want the people around me to be happy, but in my older age I have gotten more stingy with everything. I think my excessive generosity as a kid burned me more than once. Burns leave scars. I need to open my heart a bit more. I have been contemplating this quite a bit. I could give more of my time to a charity. I could do some good. I have a lot to offer.
Not Being Angry. Oh Nelly. This is a tough one, isn't it? Everyone gets angry. I have never been a fly off the handle angry person though. I am the slow smolder take over the oxygen in the room sort of angry. I bottle up until I can't take it anymore. In the last 3 years, with Michael, he has been patient and encouraging. He helps me let it out. I suppose I have fear that if I express my anger then the people around me would leave me. This might be imagined or learned from my mother, but it is rooted deep inside me. This fear is pretty strong. I have been a woman without a voice for a long time; always with a burning ember. I get angry mostly at work these days. See the talking bad about others precept. These two hold hands.
Not Speaking Ill of the Three Treasures (Buddha, Dharma, Sangha). Oh, how could I talk bad about them. Never crosses my mind, ever.
This whole rant came about because yesterday Michael and I got to talking about how life has become a perpetual groundhog day. We do the same things over and over. We never let our hair down since we quit eating gluten and quit drinking. I did not have to quit either of them, but chose to do this in a show of support to Michael because I love him. What we have done is put ourselves in self-imposed prisons. We have gone too far. Now we aren't sure if we can even eat gluten or if in fact he has an allergy or if it was his gastritis. We are going to try a controlled experiment with eating gluten when I have some days off (in case I'm in the bathroom all day). We are doing this because these days being gluten free means having very few choices at restaurants and very few options of places to go. We can't go on dates anymore. We end up going the grocery store for our dates. Boring as hell, right? The drinking part is up to him. He wanted to quit for health and because he thought he was causing problems with us, which wasn't true in my view, but I supported it.
In the end, there has to be a middle way for all of it. There has to be some way to survive in a proper way without feeling like life has halted completely. The coming months will be interesting. I'm looking forward to bending the bars.
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