Loneliness vs. Emptiness

Aleathia says:

Several weeks ago I was sitting in the coffee shop imagining how I could possibly feel loneliness when surrounded by people. I am not jealous of these people. I watch them and their behaviors while drowning out the voices with music blaring in my ears. This is an introverted life. Always gathering information; process-process-process. It is almost unending the amount of information I feel compelled to consume on a daily basis.

The loneliness persisted and I text my friend saying I was lonely but didn't feel bad. The feeling so strange that I could mistake it for sadness if I didn't know better. Our conversation went quiet and I was left there with this feeling. It came to me that maybe what I was feeling was emptiness. By emptiness, I refer to the Buddhist idea of emptiness (groundlessness) where there is an absence of grasping for things, for ground to hold onto.

As life would have it, I went to renew a library book and came upon another called "Hiking with Nietzsche" by John Kaag. It was as if the book jumped off the shelf at me. I tend to not let those types of things pass me by. There was something in the book the universe wanted me to read. In a previous time and space I had tried to read Nietzsche with much hardship and eventual failure. I was not emotionally ready to see the world in the way he did. Maybe I wasn't crazy enough, I wasn't sure. The thought of having a middle man to understand Nietzsche made that failure feeling even larger, made me feel like a lesser intellectual, but sometimes you have to bite the bullet.

The book was very wonderful and did give me an insight into the man Nietzsche was and this perspective will open his work to me. In thinking about this blog and how I wanted to approach writing my experience on this topic I have fallen on blank slates. What I extracted might be different for another reader and for me to espouse that I can interpret it for you would make me foolish.

"Words reify (make more real) something experienced in motion, attempting to capture the forever unruly." John Kaag

So what I am going to leave with you in this blog, from this book, are the nuggets that pushed up something out of my soul and have made me look at the world differently. They might be ideas or quotes from the author and other philosophers. Here is what I learned:

1. "He who has attained to only some degree of freedom of mind cannot feel other than a wanderer on the earth--though not as a traveler to a final destination: for this destination does not exist." Nietzsche

For me, not being part of the mental herd does make you feel like a wanderer. I feel banished to the fringe often in which I will spend a life collecting information on a road that will never end. This is both exciting and devastating.

2. "For a child there is no such thing as a forbidden question." John Kaag

Oh. My. If you are a parent then you have experienced the boldness of children and their unabashed nature to ask questions that make people blush. But what do we do when these questions are asked? We shush them. We scold them. We divert them. I know have done this some of the time with my own kid, but I did my best to really answer the questions the best I could. I feel like this strategy has paid off because as a teenager, my child comes to me with hard questions knowing that I won't push them under the rug...that I will find the knowledge somewhere even if it isn't in my own brain. Let the children ask. Keep them curious.

3. "Distracted by two voices 'I' and 'me' and without a friend you could 'sink into the depths" J. Kaag

This shit keeps me up at night sometimes. When you are the only person you share information with you could drive yourself crazy. Communicate....often....out loud to other beings. Very important for clarity and sanity and mental health.

4. "Success in raising children is only reached after a life of battle and worry, meaning that it only ends in hardness when you die. Feeling like you want to run away means you're paying attention." J. Kaag

I have often felt that my desire to run away made me a coward and that I wasn't doing a good job, but this says to me that my innate feeling to run has more to do with the pain of realization and understanding that directing another human being through this insane world is hard business.

5. "Perhaps a pilgrim triumphs not in hardship but in the rare moment when they learn to accept something soft at home." J. Kaag

This was significant to me in the sense that as a "pilgrim" of finding information, in gathering understanding about myself and how to better navigate this world, the most important lessons are the quiet ones I allow myself when I take a moment to be vulnerable and open. The softness at home is me treating myself with kindness even if I make mistakes which I are inevitable.

6. "No price is too high for the privilege of owning yourself." Nietzsche

MIC DROP, exit stage left.

7. "We put limits on our children thinking we are protecting them but really we are avoiding coming to grips with our own anxiety." J. Kaag

Dear lord. This was the point where I felt bad for every tiny thing I didn't let my kid do because I was scared, not because he was scared, but because I let my own anxiety of the world build a barrier to curiosity and adventure.  That was how I chose to live my life, but it should not have been how I allowed my child to live his. This year I have dropped this thinking of limitation, not only towards my kid, but towards myself. Let's get living.

8. "How can one love in the right way while being so quietly dissatisfied with life?" Herman Hesse

I do believe I have spent my entire life asking myself this question, maybe not so boldly, but it has always been in the ether around my head. It isn't to say that there has been nothing enjoyable in my life, but there could have been more. I could have loved every person I ever loved, better. I could have given more of myself in a genuine way had my outlook not been so grim. Childhood trauma is a bitch that keeps on bitching.

9. "Life does not change, but the attitude you bring to it might. And this is not a trivial adjustment. It may be the only meaningful adjustment that is possible." J. Kaag

This year, as you know if you have followed this blog, has been all about attitude adjustment. Around every corner I have had to soften and soften some more. I have had to look at my stance on everything in my life to try and see where I fit in. But more than fit in, I have been trying to live an authentic life. This means something different for everyone.

10. "Some of us think that holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go." Herman Hesse

It is all about letting go. Facing fear and moving forward is the win. Letting go of the past that you cannot change allows you to build a life in the present as it is the only life worth living, in my opinion. It is challenging to say the least, but worth each minute.

What this all says to me that we are each in a state of active transformation for all of our lives. Not fighting against that idea has made life easier. Pick up this book if you like philosophy. Pick it up if you don't. It's a great read.

Thanks for reading.

Aleathia

One Thought at a Time (how I lost my monkey brain)

Aleathia says:

This week I treated myself to acupuncture for the first time in 20+ years. It isn't because I had fallen out of faith in this practice, but living in a small town it is much more expensive than when living in a city. There were colleges close by and graduating students would be able to practice acupuncture on live people and it would cost the people only 10 bucks. That was an immense deal for someone who was living check to check and had no insurance. It was point of care health on a tight budget.

I decided to start going again because my Seasonal Affective Disorder has been getting worse and worse after age 40. I expected this year to be the worst with there being so much transition in my life. Change happens. I get that, but it doesn't mean that I can fully grasp it. The comfort in my life had come from the predictable nature of it even if it was adversity, it was consistently crazy and I could count on that. I went in to address the Seasonal Affective Disorder as well as my chronic back pain and fatigue/anxiety/depression. Because I was very willing, my acupuncturist decided to "reset" my whole system and work on the back pain. When it was done colors were brighter, I felt light as a feather, and strangely.....depressed.

It seems as if the session might be counterproductive, but it wasn't. I did feel very tired and out of sorts for the last few days. I questioned if I made the right decision to have this work done; I questioned who I was without the rapid fire mind I walked in with. I spent the last few days going against the grain of this supreme calm state my mind and body was in. I literally was a salmon swimming upstream...kicking and fighting this peaceful feeling. It took everything I had this morning, but I went for a walk. On this walk, to still feel productive, I brought one of the 9 books I am reading. Do you see where my life is right now?

I have been reading "The Sanity We Are Born With" by Chogyam Trungpa which takes a Buddhist approach to looking at psychology. I have tried reading Chogyam Trungpa in the past with little result because the information is quite dense though not hard to understand. Mostly, it is mind blowing and a girl can only handle so much of that at once. But over the years I have read many Pema Chodron books who was a student of Chogyam Trungpa. I decided I was ready to pick up with the lama was putting down.

While walking I read this passage:

"The ideal state of tranquility comes from experiencing body and mind being synchronized. If body and mind are unsynchronized, then your body will slump--your mind will be somewhere else. It is like a badly made drum: The skin doesn't fit the frame of the drum; so either the frame breaks or the skin breaks, and there is no constant tautness."

Sometimes a very simple paragraph will set you on a journey. This is common sense information, right? Body and mind on the same page = good times. What I realized this morning was that I have spent so much time in mental chaos and my body has been in a separate chaos. Two things cased in the same skin doing completely different things and I wonder why I'm tire all the time. Acupuncture cleared my mind. I have had a feather lightness to my body and a sense of emptiness in my mind that is foreign and has caused me to feel like I needed to create as much physical noise as I could muster to combat the silence in my mind.

This need to fill every moment of my day possibly comes from the last year of being single. I have always struggled with what people think of me or how they might judge me. I felt as if being single at this age meant I was used up with nothing left to offer. This is a hard pill to swallow when you know you are full of life and adventure and new beginnings. I was afraid to appear lonely even though I am rarely lonely. I imagined that I should feel lonely having spent a life in the company of others but I feel more full of life than I ever have before.

The mind thinks one thing at a time even if we think we are doing "two things at once" they are just single thoughts very close together. I need to remember this. I need to not fill my day so full that I don't enjoy all the things I'm putting into it.

Thanks for reading.

Aleathia

The Moment

Aleathia says:

When I lived in Seattle in a boarding house, I met a woman named Jen. She was an elf really...maybe 5 foot with elfin features and interesting ideas on the world. In our time together as friends she always talked about "the perfect moment". Her life, everything she did, was based on finding this unicorn of an idea. After we parted ways as people do in big cities, I had that longing for "the perfect moment" swirling in the back of my mind. As a person who grew up in adversity this notion seemed unattainable, but definitely worth chasing.

In my life I have spent an exceedingly large amount of time trying to be "perfect" even after I became a Buddhist. It seemed as if it were my Achilles heel and this drive for being seen as perfect, having the perfect idea, the perfect solution, the perfect everything became the downfall of my own personal identity. In middle life, I have discovered that there isn't perfection and that frankly, perfection is boring.  It is the oddities of our character that make us attractive and interesting. But in the same breath, I understand what my friend was talking about. It wasn't so much about perfection as it was about being aware enough to see when something amazing is happening to you so that you can enjoy it. In a world where much of the population walks with their head down, void of eye contact, void of the possibility of moving outside their own circle. I understand this and still, I struggle.

Last week, I went to see Jad Abumrad. He is the creator of Radiolab which has been one of my favorite shows for years. I wasn't sure what to expect from the lecture titled "Indoor Plumbing", but I was keen to find out. It was an intimate setting with a packed auditorium of about 200 local people and Jad on the stage with a few electronics and a stool. He was warm and personable and it was acutely surreal to hear his voice while actually watching him talk. Jad's lecture was about how he lost his deep connection with his love for Radiolab, his disillusionment with journalism, and how he came back to the light.

Sometimes we are given things we need. I had been looking forward to this lecture for a month and at the last minute my friend asked me to watch her baby. I had my ticket already (it was free as I was a member of the museum hosting it) and I sat in the dilemma I have sat with my whole life. Do I give up something for myself to make someone else happy? I had such a huge guilt as I text her back to say no I can't do it. I walked to the lecture in a beautiful fall night, watched the sunset over our valley as I crossed the bridge, and felt as if I was on the verge of something I couldn't name.

Jad Abumrad's lecture had four parts:

Chapter 1: Indoor plumbing
Chapter 2: Be Quiet
Chapter 3: Little Shit
Chapter 4: There was trouble aboard the Washington Bus

I am not going to recount this lecture in detail but I did want to share what I learned from it, because I think it was pivotal for me and could be useful to others as well. More and more I learn that I am not on an island with my disparities and that knowledge lends me to be more open to the world and the people in it. It makes me look up from the ground.

Chapter 1: Indoor Plumbing

This section of the conversation was about learning to step out of your normal routine and how when you do this...even if it is a very small step, it opens up your vision and sense of the world around you. When you find you are stuck in a loop you have to do something surprising in order to find the gratitude in what you are doing. After you have this realization and step back into your life you can begin to recognize the miracle you were living in the whole time.

Chapter 2: Be Quiet

How often do we really be quiet in life? How often do we stop and listen to what people say, to what the world says to us? Jad talked about how he uses this in Radiolab episodes and calls the negative space the "sizzle silence" because it is alive. Sometimes you have to sit in the quiet space and remain unmoving and listen. He said something profound in this section that really sparked me:

"It's hard to perform in a relationship you never really had"-Jad Abumrad

Chapter 3: Little Shit

Yes, we all laughed when he said this, because we brush away the "little shit" and move on, but he says little shit is like punctuation...it's the detail that fills in the space. It adds movement or stops it. It creates a rhythm. Little shit is the tension between the cosmic and the ordinary that makes life interesting. They are the things that seem incidental but are connected to something deeper beneath the surface. Little shit helps you discern what you are truly interested in rather than what you think you SHOULD be interested in. Stop when you feel something. Take notice.

Pay attention to the "can't stops" which he says are the things you hear that you can't stop thinking about. Those are the pieces of life you have to pay attention to, the ones you follow down the rabbit hole.

Chapter 4: There was trouble aboard the Washington bus....

He said he took this quote from Octavia Butler's story "Speech Sounds" which is about a post-apocalyptic world in which half of the population can speak but can't read and the other half can read but are mute. Imagine this world. Imagine it. Is it that far off from where we are headed?

Jad talked about how in this place where he questioned his chosen career and the great podcast he had built he had to hit rock bottom first. He had to be in the space where nothing makes any sense. He said that Octavia Butler went through this too. She was having trouble getting published, her dear friend was dying of cancer, and there seemed as if there were little hope in the world for her to achieve her dreams. She was on that Washington bus; she had hit rock bottom. Then, the first line of a story popped into her head. She went home and wrote it down. Then she wrote another and another. She couldn't stop writing out this echo of a world that she felt inside. This, this is called "writing yourself back to hope".

Here I sit in the cliche coffee shop drinking tea, listening to Mac Miller, and writing myself back to hope. I am going to do my best to blog every week, to keep checking in with my "can't stops" and my silences and my off trail happenings. Keep your heads up everyone. There is so much to see.

Thanks for reading.
Aleathia

To All the Single Ladies.....

Aleathia says:

This weekend at work was very testing. There was a fire, it was super busy and we worked short, and then the last day all the patients were dramatic and challenging. It about near sucked the life out of me. Each night before I go to sleep I scroll through the YouTube feed to see if anything interesting pops up. Sometimes I find great new music or an interesting TED talk. Sometimes I watch weird surveys or dance videos.

This weekend I came upon a video of a woman who was celebrating her 7th year of being single. Her definition of single being not in a dedicated, notated relationship that would be called a couple. She had gone on dates and had many situations, but still single. This woman was beautiful and thin and the first thing I thought was "I'm doomed". But rather than shut the video off, I kept watching to see WHY she was celebrating this milestone. She also has a website called The Problem with Dating.

She talked about having been in a string of ongoing or steady relationships for more than 10 years and all of which ended poorly. After the last one she realized that she had a lot of personal work to do on herself before she could be in a couple and maintain a healthy, functional relationship with another human being. She talked about how if you are wanting to be in a relationship to validate your existence in the world, you aren't ready. If you are in a relationship so you aren't lonely, you aren't ready. If you are in a relationship so you fit in with your friend's and family's expectations of you, you aren't ready.

This sort of hit me like a ton of bricks. I consider myself to be very observant and marginally intelligent. Why had I not thought of this before? How come I could not see this? It is very interesting to me how I could trick myself into thinking all my actions were valid in the past. I'm not going to be horrid to myself about it. I was young. I was without information that was vital to moving around in this world.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family and this isn't a singular badge. I know that so many of us do and in this day and age I'm sure dysfunction is the norm. But I also know that I grew up a child of trauma from living in a house that was full of alcohol and drugs and infidelity. There was little emotional money in our family. I learned to be invisible. I learned that being lonely is very painful. I learned that despite abuse you just shut up and take it because you don't want anyone else to know your business. This was the ammunition I left home with. It didn't feel natural or true, but it was all I had.

In all my relationships I think I have tried to show my true colors, but fear of rejection and abandonment have always loomed near the surface. All people want to be loved and accepted. If someone tells you otherwise then they are lying. Isolation is a defense mechanism. It takes away the opportunity for someone to hurt you because you are not present to be hurt.

This year has been emotionally challenging for me as many of you have read on this blog in previous posts. It takes a lot from me to be able to share my pain and my misgivings with whomever chooses to read about it and I put myself in this position because I want to grow. I do it because maybe I'm not alone in the world with the life I've lived and maybe, just maybe, I can help someone else not feel alone in their pain by sharing.

I have realized that I am not ready to be in a relationship. I really do have so much work to do on myself and that requires space and time. But the hopeful thing that woman said in her video was that she recognized in her journey of working on herself that she had attracted the most amazing and creative people in her life. That was something to be excited about and despite attracting all these great men, the one meant for her had not shown up yet.  I have always loved the quote "Good things come to those who wait." I don't take the waiting to be something idle, but more like a patient observation of the world; a gathering of information and self-education.

So I've been single for 16 months. I have learned a lot, but not quite enough to feel whole yet. Thank you to all who have read my posts and watch me melt down in a public forum. Thanks for coming back over and over again. I hope life treats you all kindly. Much love.

Aleathia

It's Time to Start Living

Aleathia says:

Today is the first day of 11th grade for my kiddo and for some reason I spent the morning crying like it was the first day of kindergarten. I'm an emotional woman. I have always been. Often it is too my detriment, but more often than not it allows me to read people, to feel for them, to care for them, and to understand with some deep notion the tragedy they go through. I am also an inward thinker. I think about everything in a manner not unlike a chess player. Every move I make changes the direction of my life. New things that come alone by surprise have often derail me and cause me to make catastrophic choices. I like to collect information and make decisions based on this information mixed with my flood of feelings. It's like a balance I have built for myself.

This morning it struck me that soon my kid will leave me. The life she chooses to lead is before her and this is a free flowing, carefree type of kid. We are the opposite in this manner and we have worked hard to see how the same events strike us differently. Mostly, she just laughs at me when I'm wound up like a top over something and this is enough to make me see I've jumped overboard without a life vest again. Today I waited until she left for school and once again I was alone in this big house. One day this alone time won't be broken by end of school stories and snacks, by laughter, by deep conversations or gossip. It will take on loneliness.

Though my last relationship was an utter disaster that I am so happy to be out of, it had given me the sense that I would live out my endgame of life with someone by my side to share adventures with. The ending of that relationship may not have been so much the loss of the person, but the loss of the vision I had created for myself. The vision that I would not die alone. I am given the usual pieces of advise. Get out there and mingle. Add more activities to your day. Open up.  These are all valid and lovely words to live by, but the problem, is me.

I work tirelessly on my personality. I am not trying to be someone I'm not, but I am trying to find the outer limits of myself. I am trying to find that confident woman. I am trying to find the tiny extrovert that lives in this introvert's heart. I am trying to find a way to love again without being afraid.  The problem is whether or not I will find these things before I'm 80....if I make it to 80.

I hope to move forward never taking anything in my life for granted. It is easy to do in this generation of everything is replaceable at a moment's notice. It's easy to look past one thing to another without considering its value and worth. This year has been about survival, about climbing out of holes and seeing the sun for the first time in a long time. Now, it's time to start living.

Thanks for reading.
Aleathia

And the Lessons Keep Rolling In....

Aleathia says:

The weekend was long an crushing at work. The moon.  Oh dear lord, that giant moon made everyone a little crazy. Exhaustion is a mild word for what I felt when I finally went horizontal last night. As per usual, I scrolled social media and then YouTube. When I'm tired I watch strange things like poorly made videos on MBTI personalities or people dancing or men doing stupid things to test out ideas. It's relaxing and helps me fall asleep.

Last night I came across a video in the feed titled (loosely) 5 things women do that make you look desperate by Kevin Hick. I bit the hook, because let's be real...I'm lousy at dating, especially dating at 45. I can't tell you how much my heart sunk. I didn't qualify on all five things, but I had two or three of these desperate actions in my back pocket. Do you know how awful it is to sit and watch a video about this sort of thing and have to shake your head up and down in agreement? It is sad, but if you are living your life you have to take this moments of truth and do something with them.

As background, I met this really cool guy. We were at a bar and had 3 hours of INTERESTING conversation ie I wasn't bored out of my mind. He gave me his number, I gave him mine. He asked me to go back to his place to hang out. I really don't do that sort of thing. I tend to be super cautious, but there were many mutual friends that connected us and my guard was down. I had a great time there too and though I stayed the night, there was no sex. I left his place still interested....and here is where it all went sideways.

I can be an intense person and I can get hyper focused. I know this about myself. This night was the first time anyone has shown me an affection or interest in a year. After life with a narcissist, I had really sworn off dating or letting anyone get that close to me again, especially someone who lives in my town. But this guy had something that made me start chucking bricks off the wall. Maybe it was the beautiful feeling that I could actually be attracted to another human again? Maybe it was the joy of physical sensation for the first time in a year? I'm not sure, but whoa, I went overboard.

I am realizing now that what I did looked really desperate. Like crazy ass bitch desperate. I felt like I was showing my heart, but maybe I was just showing my crazy. His response to all of this was "I don't have time for this" which of course pissed me off and made me feel like a very small being. I actually cried. But let's look at this closely! I hung out for one night. No sex was exchanged. No commitment made. Nothing but a nice time that I wanted to stay nice. I got angry and deleted his number from my phone. I deleted him on social media (but not from messenger) and then just had to see him around town and shoot random, strange messages.

I feel it is all so awkward now and it's sad because he is a very interesting person that I truly would like to hang out with, but I'm sure I soiled the ground where any seed could be planted for that to happen. The funny thing is that I'm not looking for a serious relationship in the sense that I want to be coupled or have a live in. There is still so much work (obviously) to be done on myself and that requires private space and time that I am afforded being single and having my own home. What I want is someone to have fun with, share some laughs, have deep conversations, and maybe travel with. I am not sure how that is accomplished in this day and age. When you spend your life being a serial monogamist it is hard to know what to do outside of that even when it isn't something you actually want.

So to all the ladies and gents out there hitting the bricks in your 40's, stay cool. Try not to over think it. Relax. Laugh more. Be yourself. And take life a little LESS seriously. I took one for the team on this one.

Thanks for reading,
Aleathia

The Greedy Hands of Addiction, RIP Ted Cicci

Aleathia:

Addiction is a cruel habit. It is a millstone around an individuals neck and around the necks of everyone who cares for that person. Inside, the addicted person knows right from wrong. There are choices they wish to make, but are unable. Sometimes the places we escape to are more powerful than reality and this is a certain truth.

Sadly this week I lost my Uncle Ted to a drug overdose. He was nearly 70 and it gripped him for most of his life. It kept him from his family, from experiencing the world he loved so much, from a first person point of view. My heart goes out to what little family I have left. We have all suffered so much loss, anger, and grief.

But today, I want to share my memories of Ted as he was intelligent, funny, creative, and such a bright light. We all go through life a bit lost hoping to be found. We are not all so lucky.

Ted was my step-father's oldest brother. He was a clown. One of the funniest people I have ever met. I became included into this large Italian family at the age of 6 and spent a good amount of my youth at family gatherings and playing with cousins. I was the oldest and watching my young cousins often fell on me. Ted's children, Josh and Jerica, are two of my favorite beings. Josh funny and talented, Jerica sweet and loving. In our days in the desert, we were all inseparable. My brother was about 1-2 years old then and they all followed me around like ducklings. I loved them all as if they were my own children.

In those days, we were lonely children as all of our parents were addicted to something. We had each other. We had collective pain and joy. We had each other. I cannot speak of Ted without thinking of these two great humans. In all their trials and tribulations with Ted, they have managed to lead productive lives. They are survivors. They are champions.

Ted was incarcerated several times for his addiction. I remember the first time he was released, he came home to Upstate NY. Much of the family was here and it was our hope to look after him as he re-entered the world. I remember at 15 years old, instead of hanging out with my friends, I would go to AA meetings with him because no one else would. I wanted him to be successful. I had missed how he treated me like I had my own opinions in the world, opinions that mattered. But one drink leads to another and as the barrier of caring got lower, drugs got closer. He stayed awhile longer in NY before moving out with other family in Arizona. Here, he was incarcerated for the same thing as before.

Over the years of his last incarceration we became good friends. I wrote him letters, he wrote me back. We talked of politics and literature and poetry. I sent him books by James Baldwin. We talked about family. I shared my life with him. In my days of publishing in the small press, I even published an article by him. I would send him books. He read every issue of Durable Goods and passed them along in prison. We had a nice friendship.

In 2009, my daughter and I went to Arizona to visit Josh and Jerica and other family. While we were there, I made arrangements to visit Ted in prison. I brought my 8 year old there with me. I got a lot of flack from family and friends for exposing her to such a place, but despite those people's crimes, do you think they don't want to be loved? I brought her there for many reasons. I wanted her to see what crime gets you both physically and emotionally. I wanted her to see that despite Ted's crime, he was a warm and loving man with so much to say. I remember on the shuttle bus from the entrance to the visiting area, as we left the bus, my child looked at the driver (an inmate) and said "thank you sir and have a nice day". The driver's eyes got misty. When was the last time someone recognized him as a man, as a human being? These things would tell me much of her character later in life.

As I write this, it dawns on me that the time my daughter met Ted in prison was the only time she ever saw him in her life. She remembers that visit with fondness and any time after if I spoke of him, her face would light up. They had a small time together and he talked to her like he had always talked to me. This was important to a small girl as it is to everyone. We all want to be seen.

After Ted's current release, he got his own place for the first time in 18 years. He had started to build his relationships back with his children and grandchild. He was learning the world of Facebook and reconnecting with long lost school mates and friends. Before his death, he had a new job working with plants which he loved and things seemed to be moving forward. But addiction is hard. You are never really cured of it whether you are addicted to drugs, alcohol, food, sex, or doing something the same way every time. It takes a tremendous strength to win. You have to want it more than anything.

My heart goes out to Josh and Jerica and their family. I know this loss. It is painful. Love each other fully everyday. The cliche that is time is fleeting isn't untrue. Ask yourself what really matters to you. Do the things you always dreamed of before it's too late.

If you know someone with addiction let them know there is someone always ready to listen:

Addiction and Alcohol Hotline 1-844-244-3171

Thanks for reading.

Aleathia

Into the Abyss and Back: Let's talk about Suicide

Aleathia says:

The last month or so has been a whirlwind journey with every possible emotion felt at one time or another. My entire world was turned upside down in the end of February. I got a call from my child as she sat in the guidance office sobbing and telling me she needed me to come to school immediately.

Panic. Shut up mom heart, this is a job for ER nurse. Okay….but it’s my baby. Don’t worry, we got this.

I arrive and sit in a really welcoming office where my child proceeds to tell me that over the last few months, she has overdosed on her Prozac at least 7 times. Every day spent pretending to take this medication, to act like everything is okay while in her room she is trying to find ways to die. I was blindsided. She had seem more sullen, but it was the dead of winter in New York. Everything was grey and cold and unforgiving. Looking back there were neon signs that I didn’t see. She had told no one, not even her best friend and in my healthcare experience it is the ones who have action without words that eventually succeed.

I asked my daughter if I could write about this because struggling with mental health carries a stigma in this world, one that makes it really hard for people to get help. I wanted her permission to share her story because it is personal. I didn’t want whomever might read this to think she was in the dark about it.

The process of getting help for mental health issues is arduous. You go to the ER and very few ER’s are equipped with behavioral health units and the options in New York state are so far and few between anymore with the state cutting back funding many years ago. The mental health problem is a real one. 1 in 5 adults in the US have mental illness...that is over 43 million people with nearly 10 million of them having mental illness so bad that they cannot function properly in everyday living. These are the numbers of the diagnosed. This says nothing for the people who never seek help, yet the services and care for individuals with mental illness dwindles every year.

In New York state between 2009 and 2011 they cut $132 million dollars from the mental health budget, closed major inpatient behavioral hospitals, and local behavioral units in hospitals. In our local area we had to fight to keep our long term center open which housed people who had not been out in the world in years due to the severity of their mental health, because we would have been putting them out in the community to fail with no supportive mental health care.

Numbers aside, as a nurse in my local ER I know all too well the process. The patient comes in with great distress, we strip them of everything that makes them an individual, we take everything out of the room, and they get a sitter at arms length for their entire stay. We have had patients sit over a week in our ER waiting for a mental health bed to open up. In our case, we waited almost three days for a bed. When they finally found one it was over 2 hours away in central Pennsylvania which meant I couldn’t visit every day. We were lucky if we had 5 minutes on the phone each day. It was a nightmare, but I had to hope that I had done the right thing; that we would come out on the other side.

My daughter did not like the place, but it isn’t supposed to be a place you want to return. She and I both feel that if she had stayed there any longer there would have been a serious resentment towards me and her father. But I think she needed the reset. She needed to have someone insist she communicate her feelings. She had therapy everyday so when she came back to us she wasn’t afraid of therapy like she was before.

The discharge process at this facility was poor and no one sat down with us to explain her diagnosis and what we were supposed to do. We signed papers, collected her things, and were out the door. The whole process in general was disheartening and that is coming from very involved parents who care and were there every step of the way. My daughter said there were many kids in there whose parents dumped them off at places like this because they don’t want to deal with them. It was heartbreaking.

This event was one more thing to grieve on top of all the deaths I had not allowed myself to grieve, the failed relationship, and feeling of being utterly alone. It is amazing the strength you find when the thought of losing your only child is dangled in front of your face. Here are all the things I learned:

There is no greater pain in the world than the thought of losing a child. Hands down: worse feeling ever.


This event made me speak to her father...to him, not at him about not only our daughter, but why our marriage failed. It failed because we didn’t talk to each other honestly and openly. There were things that each of us didn’t know about the other that would have changed our actions.


You have to ask the hard questions without fear. Ask them again and again until you understand what the other person is saying. Be honest with your answers. Communicate!


Healing is a journey that has both forward steps and backward steps. It is akin to ugly crying and laughing so hard your stomach hurts.


My daughter doesn’t fall too far from the tree. Her pain is my pain and in all honesty we are going through the same motions at the same time. We are learning to communicate, to open up, to let free the demons that bind us. We are helping each other.


Art is part of the master plan. Art is the only thing that lets me empty my mind. Art is what my daughter is good at and she needs more of it in her life.


Despite all the hard work and effort by her father and I, we could not shield our child from the genetic strains of mental illness in our families. It is long on both sides and even though we gave her the best divorced parents lifestyle we could, she still fell prey to her genetics.


I have undiagnosed mental illness. I’m sure of it.


No one has to do it alone.


Being a teenager in this time is more brutal than my time. The internet and social media make it a tough world to live in where kids can taunt each other without repercussion and without being brave enough to do it to their face and risk their own ridicule for being mean. Even good students and good kids suffer things parents can’t imagine. This suffering is what hurts me the most. It pains me to think my girl suffered like this since the 6th grade until she couldn’t take it anymore. All the while putting on a good face to keep everyone else’s feelings intact. She suffered alone.

Be responsible. Talk to your kids even if they roll their eyes or say they don’t want to talk. They need someone they can trust, someone that loves them. Don’t give up on them. Don’t write their behavior off as teenage angst. Sometimes, it is deeper than you think.


Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255


Thank you for reading.
Aleathia

Balance: An Obsessive's Unicorn

Aleathia says:

So my friend said to me the other day..."you haven't written in awhile". Yes, I know. "It's brewing," I told him. It wasn't all together untrue, but I wasn't sure what I was brewing. I'm always brewing 12 things at once. Choosing is hard. Finishing is hard. Focusing often challenging.

Days before I started thinking about balance. As a Buddhist, balance is often on my mind. Finding the middle way the goal in all things. Just being can be more difficult than it sounds. One of the scariest things in Buddhism to me is "form is emptiness and emptiness is form". I am one of those people who loves things in little boxes or on lists or categories. It gives me a sense of purpose. It makes me feel safe. It is my woobie. But consumed by boxes, lists and categories one misses out on life and opportunity. I think this is in part why I chose Buddhism all those years ago. I recognized the lack of freedom in my life and the stand up nature to be brave enough to look at my own shortcomings and still maintain some loving kindness towards myself. This talk isn't about Buddhism, but about balance and discovery, though Buddhism is always present when these two things happen.

Anyway, I have been struggling through winter in Upstate NY. Grey, dark, cold, blah and repeat. February is a millstone and often my most isolated and the time when obsessive behaviors are their worst. To battle these issues, I have been listening to 2 Dope Queens comedy. They make me laugh and I can always use more of that. On one of their episodes they were bantering back and forth talking about exercise and noted that people who just talk about their workouts and exercising are so boring.

I stopped smiling immediately. Panic. Looking around in isolation. More panic. They were talking to me.

January was the start of my training for a section hike of the Appalachian Trail and it has been my obsession. I have tracked every work out. I talked about all my workouts so much so my kid retreats to her room every night instead of hanging out with me. I talked about it at work. When I was alone, I talked to my self about it and have spent much of my free time doing research. I make personalized oatmeals. In effect, I am going bat shit crazy in my house.

Having goals are so wonderful. It inspires ambition and gives direction, but when you have an obsessive personality things can derail very quickly.  I would not say I am OCD as it would be unfair to take such a label from those that are truly diagnosed. My house is a damn mess....an organized chaotic mess. I'm not overly concerned with germs. Everything does not have its own place. But I do have obsessive tendencies that can make me short sighted. I believe this comes from an early childhood of being hyper-vigilant and scared and having to grow up too fast. How many of your friends can say they were left in charge of a newborn baby with no parents in the house at 8 years old? I grew up real quick. I needed certain things to be in certain places for life to make sense. So at age 44 it is hard to begin to untangle the wiring.

So here I am having some balance and trying to not feel guilty about it. I skipped my evening workout tonight to take my kid to dinner and say goodbye to my future hiking partner and go to the bookstore. The two hours I would have spent at the gym were replaced with good food and laughter, hugs and smiles, and more fucking laughter. It was followed up with the nerd fest of non-fiction book reading with my 16 year old and exchanging information on the relationship of trees and the history of colors. That is a memory I get to keep. I wouldn't have remembered the workout past its notation in my training journal. I guess what I am saying is that balance is a struggle for me and always has been. But it's never too late.

Try something new. Give yourself a break from routine. Be nice to yourself when you don't reach goals when you planned to. Enjoy life. It sounds corny.  It is corny, but true. Oprah says "The most valuable thing you can give yourself is time." That's some gospel right there. Spring is almost here friends. We can make it....one obsessive day at a time.

Thanks for reading.
Aleathia

Podcasts! I'm Outside of Every Trend

Aleathia says:

I have come to realize that I am fashionably late to every trend that has ever been. Maybe it is my cautious Cancerian nature always approaching everything from the side after I have had ample time to research what it is all about. I have a fear of being trendy; of being a sheep in the herd. I want to be the one to like something because it strikes a cord in me, not because it is popular. I have been this way my whole life. The girl on the fringe (vanilla as hell, but there); the new kid in town; baby in the corner. Where am I going with all this? Yes, getting to the point.

My training program for the Appalachian trail next year is well under way. A whole month under my belt and as the workouts have gotten progressively more challenging and longer, I have needed something other than music to distract me from burning muscles and peak heart rates. The distraction makes me breathe easier for some reason. I'm here for the oxygen and endorphins, you know. So there are these things called Podcasts, have you heard of them? This is where most people look at me as if I have several heads and have been living under the rock of Gibraltar for the last 5 years. They smile, nod, and walk away.



I had to look up how to play a podcast. This is no joke. Bless Google. Where would we be without the answer to every question you could ever ask? So there I am with my Google Play Music scrolling through types of podcasts and having no earthly idea what any of them are about or where to begin when I see "Philosophize This!" Oh.  I like philosophy. I was the nerd that sat in the library stacks reading reference books. I was the girl who took every philosophy class she could in college.

I sat on my living room floor doing my pre-workout stretch listening to this soft voiced, super nerdy sounding guy talk about philosophy...starting at the beginning. What makes this podcast magical is that the host is able to put these really deep, seemingly unreachable ideas into something very modern and relatable. He's funny...in that peculiar smart friend way. You will find me on the treadmill pushing the inclines higher and higher learning about Plato and Aristotle. There I am in my own universe publicly nerding it out in front of all these roided up folks at the gym trying to not be self conscious as I still to my endurance workout plan...trying not to keep up with the Joneses.




One thing leads to another and on weight day I wanted something a little less mentally taxing, so there it is. Oprah's Super Soul Sunday conversations. Yeah, I see you rolling your damn eyes. Don't be a hater. You know in your secret heart of hearts you love Oprah. As I was listening to this conversation, I realized why I have been drawn to her my whole life. She asks amazing questions. Next time you watch or listen to an interview pay close attention to the pause that almost every person she interviews does. Oprah will be going along with questions and then she pulls that one question out and the interviewee, in all their life journeys and experiences, gets asked a question that no one has bothered to ask them before. We know what these questions feel like. Anxiety, bewilderment, panic. Maybe these are questions we avoid asking ourselves, which is easy to do, but when someone asks it of you, you owe them an answer. I have decided that Oprah is the queen of revelation questions and that is why I love listening to her.

Now I'm prattling on about podcasts and you are thinking, please just shush.  Ok, ok. I'm almost done. Today I woke up with an empty cold house. Most days this is fine. I have gotten used to the ringing in my own ears without need to drown it out. But today felt especially lonely, soooo I decided to make banana bread and listen to a podcast. I went in search of something new. Listened to several for a few minutes and they just didn't grab me. It made me appreciate the time before television when radio was all you had. You had to be a master of sound, have the right voice, and a gimmick that would keep listeners tuned in.




I landed on Mike Posner's podcast called "What Does All This Mean?". I don't even know who this dude is. He has a nice voice and awkward pauses. It felt right. Supposedly, he is some famous music dude, but because I am not trendy I had no clue. I listened to this his story "The Possibility of Being Here" in which he talked about having set his life to a false story he created in the second grade after his best friends moved away...a story that he would never fit in and never belong. Unwittingly, he spent the rest of his life trying to be over productive to make up for it, trying to improve himself around any corner in hopes that it would somehow make him feel like he belonged. This struck a resounding chord in my soul. I have spent my life feeling this way. It has given me a lot of heartache and one shitty relationship after another.

After this last failed long term relationship, I made a decision to be alone, to stop chasing men who don't really want me, to stop looking to others to validate who I am, to stop looking outward to see if I belong. In a few months it will be a whole year since my world crashed around me. It was the first time I had felt like dying in a long time. I look at where I am right now and feel pretty great about it all. Sometimes you need to scrap the bottom to remember what the light looks like; to challenge yourself to find a love for who you are that you didn't know existed.

I have a lot of grand plans and challenges ahead of me, but I am learning the art of temperance and patience and loving kindness. There are smiles where once frowns lived. So if you see me at the gym with a half grin on my face, know I'm probably consuming philosophy by podcast. Asked me what I've learned.

As always, thanks for reading. I appreciate every visit and every chance to share what I have learned in this world. Sharing is the best thing we can do to lift each other up.

Aleathia

Winter and "Call the Midwife"

Aleathia says:

In winter I feel the roots of my heritage take hold. Polish, Yugoslavia, Russian....possible Romanian. Throw in French Canadian and you have a recipe for hibernation. We are a somewhat contemplative, stoic bunch around strangers; full of vibrant life around those we trust and love. when ice and snow take over the land it begins a time of inner discovery.

Personally, I love the snow and quite enjoy a brisk walk in the winter sun. From my warm couch I can see the skeletal remains of trees on the hills, the ground blanketed in snow, the palest of blue skies, and ice flowing down the river. I sit here a lot and do nothing but think.

Winter is also the time when I binge watch television at night when my bones are aching and cold and the only comfort from pain I get is the distraction of needlework and television. There are some shows I put on for noise to ease the winter loneliness. The sound of conversations I don't have to engage in are a pleasure and the cadence of them makes the crocheting go faster. But once in a while I find a show that pierces the heart of me.

This week I wanted a break from my usual British crime series, so I stuck with the British theme and dove into "Call the Midwife". I have anxiety for when the series will be done. I have consumed 4 seasons already. I have cried nearly every episode.  It is not often that this happens. I admit to being an old softie, but this show has struck something deeper for me.



I am a nurse, so the show is relative to me in this sense. When I was first in nursing school I wanted to work in OB and help deliver babies. I had this unrealistic dream of how I would feel about such a thing. I felt my sensitive nature would make me perfect for the job. One evening during clinical I was able to witness the births of two babies. I am not sure I ever cried so much in my life. The screaming, the blood, the first sound of a baby crying, the look on the mother's face when she first sees her baby...these things are devastatingly beautiful. I decided that night that I could never do the job. I would need to be stronger if things went wrong and I wasn't sure that I wouldn't cry every time a baby was born. I went into the cut and dry of surgical floor nursing and then to emergency medicine where I have spent more than a decade.

"Call the Midwife" is more than strong women in the poor conditions of London's East End in the 50's and 60's. It is about finding faith in  your work, about friendship and love; losses suffered on a personal nature and ones suffered because you are in the same room. It is about standing up for patient's rights, for women having a voice in a time when they weren't supposed to, and about building your own identity from the ground up.

I had a conversation with my teenage daughter after she mentioned how much the show makes me cry. She said "maybe you get so emotional since you had a c-section instead of giving birth?" She sent this in a text from her room and I was glad of it, because I sat there crying again. Yes, maybe it was that. My body robbed me of that moment to see her after all the hard work I had done. 20 hours of labor, 6 hours of pushing, a failed epidural when it was time for surgery and having to have general anesthetic which left me unconscious for over 8 hours. Everyone in the family and all the staff had seen my baby before me. It is truly the only regretted moment of my life. The rest I chalk up to experience, but I missed the one perfect moment in life a mother can be given.

"You have to be brave to be in love, don't you? Knowing your heart will get broken at sometime."

This was a line from the show and it struck me so terribly hard. I sat there nodding, because it is one of the truest things I have ever heard. My heart has been broken so many times. My poor heart spent so much time on my sleeve where people could abuse it and do with it what they wanted. This last year has been sad and somewhat loveless for me. The bond with my daughter the only thing that got stronger besides the will to find myself again. Life is about the chances you take, about dealing with the consequences of your choices, and learning from the mistakes as much as the triumphs.

Never be afraid to dream big and fall short. Get back up again and do it all over. Cherish those small, perfect moments in life...never take them for granted. Don't let the world distract you from the daily wins and the opportunity to open new doors.

Thanks for reading
Aleathia

Appalachian Trail Goals for 2019: White Mountains Here I Come!

Aleathia says:

This year my key word for myself is Open. Open heart, open mind, open to suggestions, opening doors, opening windows. Open everything. Does anyone understand how scary this is for a woman who can be outgoing, but really plays the cards close in every situation? It's like a panic attack having a panic attack.

A week or so ago a friend at work causally asked if I wanted to hike 280 miles of the Appalachian Trail this summer. I was like "uh, no". Because with that came so much opportunity to fail physically and mentally. I thought it was weird to be middle aged and overweight and be asked to take on a journey that in my current condition could not be done.  I went home and thought about it.

My father, after Vietnam, walked the entire Appalachian Trail. He has always been my hero. He was an outdoors man. He was always in a silent conversation with nature. He looked happiest in the woods or by the river. I feel this energy whenever I venture out into nature, but I still pull myself back into my shell of home. Maybe I am afraid of what I will find when I commune with the deepest parts of my life. It is hard to say. But being given the chance to walk part of the same trail my father did over 40 years ago is something I can't give up.

So, I committed to doing a different section of the trail in the summer of 2019 so I have time to train. We are doing 230 miles from New Hampshire to Vermont...the White Mountains. I thought cool.  I looked it up and it is one of the hardest parts of the trail, but with this challenge will come the best views and the best understanding of my human limits. I am a goal oriented type person. You give me a challenge and a time to beat it in and I will find a way to do it.  If you tell me it can't be done, I will put everything I have into proving you wrong. Sometimes that part of my personality is a pain in the ass, but it often propels me to new levels.

Last Saturday I started training. Rolling hill setting on the treadmill with inclines 3.5%-10%. As the weeks go on I will increase the level, the incline, and the time. This happens three days a week with a 4th cardio session of elliptical or rowing, bicycle, and treadmill at a higher speed. Two days a week are for weight lifting small weights for 20 reps for the first month and then I go to burnouts. There is one day off from this work out regime. Everyday there is yoga. In the future months, I may add Tai Chi and Boxing to be sure to mix up my muscle groups. In the spring, it will be time to hit the trails and start doing weighted backpack.

The trek will be 230 miles with serious elevation gains wearing a 60-70 pound pack. I feel a little crazy taking this on at 44, but I also feel stronger than I ever have in my life. This year is going to be the year I get my shit together. Being an independent woman is where I need to be. I might get buff in the process.

Thanks for reading.
Aleathia

Walking by Henry David Thoreau

Aleathia says:

My whole life has been built around the adventures in books. When we are young we don't have the ability to travel to far lands, but we have the imagination--wild and verdant--to fly there in our minds. Giving a child the give of reading and a love of books means you give them the opportunity to soak in cultures they don't have access to and understand the world in a different way.

Over the years I have made a game out of reading books...what country do I want to go to? Judging a book by its cover. Reading full collections. Trying to complete all the Pulitzer winners for fiction. These were joyful, adventurous times. I learned a lot. Several years ago when everyone started dying in my family, I lost that imagination. I lost that love of reading. In all seriousness, I was lucky if I could concentrate for more than 10 minutes. My brain was a continual three ring circus I couldn't stop from spinning out of control.

On my side table, I have about 7 books that were started over the last few years and left to sit collecting dust instead of having their words devoured. This year I take my imagination back. I take the books back. I become that explorer I remember being.

The first book finished for 2018 is "Walking" by Henry David Thoreau. I found this book recently at the Library Book Sale and though I had promised myself I wasn't going to indulge on too many books since my attic was full of ones unread, I decided to get this little gem. 60 small pages. What could it hurt?

I have always been interested in Thoreau and Emerson. Both so outspoken for the things of their heart no matter what anyone thought in return.  When you don't live your life like that or have the understanding how, people who do become these unicorns of society. I have always been drawn to a few periods in American History and the 1860-1910 is one that continues to find its way into my heart. The country in Civil War, people standing up for what they believe in, and the great migration West. How I love the look and sound of the Victorian age, but also the rugged, strong faces of pioneers.

Thoreau's "Walking" starts out as a tome about getting outside and seeing the surroundings...about pushing the comfortable boundaries of the time. As this small book ends, it is more about seeking to stay wild at heart, to find adventure, to feel the sun on your face, to look at what nature has given us. This book was written shortly before Thoreau died and knowing this makes the book feel like a deathbed lesson; a pleading to the generations to come to get it right.

"When I would recreate myself, I seek the darkest wood, the thickest and most interminable, and, to the citizen, most dismal swamp. I enter a swamp as a sacred place, --a sanctum sanctorum. There is the strength, the marrow of Nature."

These places we have paved over and put up buildings for people to trade stocks in, to consume home goods and frivolities. I am guilty of using these places. We go there seeking some sort of soul reparation that we don't seem to find when we'd be better walking into the woods, hiking in the desert, swimming in the ocean. That is where we will find the peace we are looking for. How easy it is to forget these things in the bustle of life.

"In short, all good things are wild and free."

Thanks for reading.
Aleathia

Favorite Music Discoveries of 2017

Aleathia says:

Sadly, for the last 6 years I slowly gave up my music listening taste to someone else.
I absorbed their playlist because they were the dominant personality and frankly, if I
played my music outside of my headphones it would get made fun of in that tongue
and cheek sort of way. You know, the dagger with a smile variety. So I lost touch of
so many things I really enjoyed. I am a lover of all music, but there is a certain sound
that sings to my soul. With the help of my friend Brian, I was able to let loose and dig
into new beats and sounds. I learned the art of making a YouTube channel and jumping
from one video to another in search of new music. This started with a seed from
someone else and then became a desire I grew on my own. I look forward to finding
a deeper sense of musical wonder this year.

Click the link to hear some of these gems, or go to my YouTube Channel and listen to
the “Come Sniffing” playlist. Enjoy! I know I have.

Son Lux-Easy

alt-J-Tessellate

Margaret Glaspy-Somebody to Anybody

Esme Patterson-No River

Agnes Obel-Familiar

Chet Faker-Gold

K.Flay-Blood in the Cut

Screaming Females-Hopeless

Charlotte Cardin-Like It Doesn’t Hurt

Japanese Breakfast-The Body is a Blade

Beck-Up All Night

Die Antwoord-Fatty Boom Boom

Goodbye 2017

Aleathia says:

I sit down to write this in the new year and know that I should make promises to blog more and keep up with this darn things, but I don't want to make promises I can't keep.  I am going to put an effort in to sharing more.

2017 as a year in review is a painful one. Grief and sadness and death kept me from doing many of the things I hold dear to my heart, but instead of looking at it negatively, I am looking at the year as a transition period. The end of this year had me dispelling the last of my connections with my ex in the form of deleting all pictures of him and making a stand not to care no matter what the reason. It was killing me slowly and quietly because I am not good at letting things go if they are unanswered to a degree of great understanding. This in itself is a lesson to carry forward.

2017 was an interesting year for my creative side. After a very long dormant period, I rose from the ashes with a new found fury. I have taken on harder cross stitch projects (and even landed a commission), taught myself how to sew yoga bags and play mats, crocheted blankets and scarves and hats, rediscovered my love of collage, participated in photography projects, got asked to be in a fiction collection, wrote 3 poetry collections, designed some fine fabric art projects looking at mental illness, started a bullet journal, and rediscovered a love of drawing. When given the space and the time to focus on it my creativity soars.

I learned to be alone this year and discover the beautiful freedom of personality and individuality that comes with it. I do still have my daughter living at home, but I am alone in the intimate sense that one half of my bed is covered with art projects, books, and remotes rather than a man. This was challenging at first and so full of fear and loneliness, but now I can't ever see myself sharing this space again. Don't get me wrong, I love a good spooning session and affection, but at what cost does this come? I have spent a lifetime being someone that people wanted in just the way they wanted me. Now I get to be who I want to be for myself. This is by far the biggest lesson I have learned.

There has been a lot of yoga this year, though I have slacked a bit at the end, and it has done wonders for my sense of being centered. It has helped physically with my arthritis and has made me not feel so damned old all the time. It is often my mediation. My time alone. My one with the universe sessions. I hope to do more of it this year on a consistent basis and let it open my heart to being less closed off to opportunity and friendships.

Above all, this year has given me deep friendships. I have never been one to have a lot of girlfriends because most of the women I meet are a bit fake and backstabbing. It gets hard to trust them, so I have let only a few magnificent women in my life in the last 40 years. Usually if I make a female friend, I do so until they step away from me for good. I discovered what it means to be supported by another woman, to share of myself and be accepted, to find connection where I believed their would not be any. The circle of women in my life, including my daughter, is a treasure I never thought I would get to experience in my lifetime. I hope the coming year makes those bonds stronger and I can be a worthy friend.

In getting back to the roots of my personality, I bought myself a Tarot deck. I had one years ago when I had the most contact with my authentic identity...when I lived for me. Because I am older and a bit more tongue in cheek these days, I bought a Zombie deck. The art is quite fun and that is what I want my life to be about. I did a year spread to see how the months would unfold and there is much work ahead of me actually. 2017 may have been only the pre-transition year and 2018 will find me working through this transition with challenges and frustrations and things not moving along as fast as I would like, but with determination and good decision making, I will come out on top.

I know this post is long and attention spans are short. If you have made it this far, thank ye kindly. I hope to be bringing back posts of art and discovery. Music. Movies. Books! I am going for it this year. As always, thanks for sticking around these last few years while I fumble through life. It means a lot. Happy New Year. Let's make it our bitch.

Aleathia